It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
BTS – Come Back Home
I couldn’t relate to this song until I got to about 1:10 and now I like it. Who the fuck invented those stupid metal dispenser pencils? They’re so frustrating how you can’t even put any decent pressure on the lead before it snaps. BTS clearly understand me, they feel my pain as a writer. Never mind that their last decent song was over two years ago, BTS are my favourite boy group now just for that scene. At least for this week.
Red Velvet – Red Flavor
Halo – Here I Am
It isn’t great but I guess until whoever was writing for History finds a new group to sell songs to, this will have to do for me for boy groups I suppose, at least until 100% do something else decent.
Day6 – Hi Hello
Hey girls, if you want to pick up cute k-pop boys just drive around the Korean countryside in a ute until you find some slumming it on the side of the road and offer a ride, they’ll get in. It helps if you’re blasting shitty Coldplayish rock music from the stereo system.
Xiumin & Mark – Young & Free
Young and free, well I guess they’re half right. The irony of anyone in SM singing about freedom. Maybe if this was Luhan and Kris doing a duet it would make more sense.
Dreamcatcher – Lullaby
Even groups that I “like” can do crappy ballads, but then this isn’t really a ballad, but an upbeat song hiding behind half-time rhythm.
VAV – ABC (Middle Of The Night)
I thought we might have a lucky week free of tropical shithouse – guess not.
Favorite – Party Time
This is strange and kinda cool and as a result I’m sure nobody is interested in it, but it’s also a bit kind of wrong with the gutless-sounding chorus production. I guess I’ll forgive them for spelling “Favourite” the butchered American way instead of the One True Way.
Badkiz – Give It To Me
This group’s writers are still doing that Beyonce/sax riff thing which really should be dead by now. Oh wait, it was dead back when Beyonshit did it.
Taemin – Flame Of Love
I know this is supposed to look and sound all dramatic but I can’t stop thinking about how he’s just lighting his own farts and that just kills it for me.
Junho – Ice Cream
When you’re 10 years old, the ice cream truck arriving down your street is amazing, because your parents feel like cunts if they don’t let you go and get some ice cream so you almost certainly get to eat ice cream that day and ice cream is great. However when you’re Junho’s age you’re a fucking adult and you can go and get ice cream anytime you want… unless you’re a Korean pop idol, where your managers are way more assholish than your parents and probably still don’t let you go. No wonder he looks so happy here.
Sungwoo Junga – Courtship
Jazz sinks its cancerous hooks deeper into k-pop one shitty slow Rhodes-fuelled comeback at a time.
Park Hi – Higher
I know all k-pop girls are skinny, even the fat ones… but this girl seriously looks like she’s about to drop dead. No wonder they make the music so boring, if she danced any faster she’s pass out from malnutrition. Let’s hope she gets some fame so she gets enough fans to do a “food support” or fifty.
Bang Yongguk – Yamazaki
More of that fucking mumble-yolo fucking bullshit, although it does improve a little as it goes, which I definitely didn’t expect. By the end it almost sounds like a proper song.
The Barberettes – Summer Love
On the other hand here is a group that SHOULD do yolo mumble fucking trash, just for a change from their usual hideous sunny-time “like 50s doo-wop but without any of the fucking songwriting” bullshit.
Jang Jinyoung & The Barberettes – Stranger’s Love
And here they are again with SM’s vocal coach (aka “Mr. Serious” aka “man with the easiest job in the world” aka “the man who taught dozens of ‘visuals’ to half-mumble over a backing track like they mean it” etc) doing some bullshit song nobody will remember in a month. However I would pay good money to see The Barberettes do a cover of “Fuck Nigga” as long as they promised not to harmonise.
Luhan – Set It Off
The deer is back! This time he’s having sex with a cat or something. If only I waited a few years to write the “Project Luhan” fanfics imagine how much more fucked up they would have turned out. Truth really is stranger than Kpopalypse fanfiction.
PPL – Shoot U
This starts off like one of my fanfictions where the guy passes out after being drugged, unfortunately the video skips out on part 2 which I guess I’ll have to write myself.
Cool Running ft. Seulki Oh – Bolt & Volt
This video is so leery and pervy that even I’m a little disturbed. Yes, that’s a recommendation, let’s not pretend it isn’t like other k-pop sites do where they show you tits with headings like “glamourous body” and then practice complete moral distancing while the sparks fly.
Yun Min Soo – Daylight
This video looks like it has some kind of good story to accompany the shit generic ballad music but I just thought “that’s a cool looking knife at the start of the video, I’d sure like to chop some garlic with it, or maybe stab the guy who invented dispenser pencils, seriously, fuck that guy” and kinda vagued out after that so I don’t really know what’s going on.
YunB ft. YonYon – Ritalin
Look, girls can do boring mumbling over ultra-slow shit rap beats too. There’s nothing ladies can’t do, man. Equal opportunity y’all.
Ham Sunghee – The Night
IT’S NOT A REAL ANIMAL YOU DUMB BITCH. IT’S NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WHEN YOU PUT YOUR BLANKET OVER IT.
Kassy & Basick – See You In Heaven
I’m not sure what they really mean by this but “see you in heaven” just sounds like a death threat to me. It reminds me of when I was watching some American douchebag soldier in Iraq or wherever and he was all like “these Muslims all want to go to heaven and it’s our job to help”. Could he have pulled his own dick harder for the camera?
SPECIAL RETRO BONUS SONG
Hurricane Pop – Bing Bing
Did you know that Crayon Pop were once called “Hurricane Pop”? You probably did, because plenty of Crayon Pop fans read this blog thanks to both the Way’s Girls fanfic and my stanning of them as k-pop’s queens of punk, but some of you may not, so have this early promotional video plus some dance practice footage of the old “Hurricane” line-up. This is probably like from 1963 or some shit.
That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup – more next week!