It’s that time again – Kpopalypse roundup time! Let’s look at some new releases!
BOA – Camo
I guess bOa called her new song “Camo” because in k-pop nobody can even fucking see her from the trees these days. Poor BOa. BooooooooooA.
Stellar – Arcangels Of The Sephiroth
Okay so Stellar just became The Tea Party and I’m cool with it, but get the fucking aspect ratio right jesus fuck. How am I supposed to assess this new girl if they can’t even film her correctly.
Apink – Five
Look at that grumpy half-smile right at the start of the video. Apink just don’t give a FUCK right now. To think these girls all just resigned their contracts. Did they all murder people in previous lives or what.
Up10tion – Runner
You already know exactly what I’m going to say about this one so let’s just move on and not waste each other’s time.
Lee Hyori ft. Killzgramz – Seoul
The unusual harmonic choices and production make this unexpectedly decent, I’m sure it’s ripped straight off some 90s trip-hop record but whatever, it works.
NC.A & Sugarbowl – Love Me
NC.A looks like that girl in school who everyone hated because she always had perfect marks and sucked up to the teacher. Stop singing and fetch me some bread.
Imlay & Sik-K – Decalcomanie
Better than average production (which I’d expect from SM) but it doesn’t matter because you can’t polish a yoloturd.
Hyolyn ft. Kisum – Fruity
It’s like Sistar19 except the rapper actually gets lines this time.
Shannon ft. L’il Boi- Love Don’t Hurt
Politically-correct Shannon may be more woke than racial scientist Asian Junkie, but that doesn’t make this song any less dreary. I at least wanted to play the Amber version instead of this one on the show because I figure people give even less of a fuck about some douchenozz called L’il Boi than they do about Shannon or Amber, but the versions are honestly not that different anyway.
Heize – Don’t Know You
Heize’s swag-lite R&B bullshit these days is just a fucking no.
Heize ft. Shin Yong Jae – You, Clouds, Rain
Also what the fuck did she do to her face. She looks like Steven Tyler now.
Ramisu – Oh! Boy
People probably figured that I should like this, because it got requested a lot, but the song just isn’t there.
D.Hong – Stay There
The girl actually meets required standards and shouldn’t be associating herself with songs like this.
L.A.U – So Sweet
Cruisy but unexciting like a trip to the country with your dad to pick up some farm vegetables. It’s a nice enough drive but you can sure think of things you’d rather be doing.
Crush ft. Beenzino – Outside
Beenzino continues his quest to feature as guest on every crappy song that nobody wants to listen to ever.
Crush – Summer Love
Crush is no more or less worthless when he’s on his own.
Hippy Was Gipsy – Cold
Combining post-rock and that yolo Autotune swag sound into a k-pop song is like mixing cancer and AIDS and then selling it.
Standing Egg – Cuz It’s You
In Korea even the acoustic balladeers have perfectly primped supermodels and big 1950s cars in their boring videos.
Bernard Park ft. Changmo – Blame
This is boring. I blame Bernard Park. Maybe that’s what the song’s about.
G.Soul ft. Hoody – Tequila
Tequila is a shitty drink with worms in it that people consume to forget existence and attempt suicide, so this song being crap kinda fits.
YunB ft Kid Travis & MaseWonder – 2099
People are funny when they’re trying to be all “future” or whatever. In 2099 people will listen to this and think “boy that sounds so 2017”.
LambC – Eenie Meenie Minee Mo
Look at how bored these people look. Why did they think we would be any more interested in this than they were.
Parc Jaejung – Focus
This video doesn’t have enough bicycle accidents. As someone who has actually had a car hit me while I’ve been on a bicycle, I’d still rather see more bicycle accidents in this video. In fact it’s so boring that if this guy contacts I will offer to get hit by a car again in the next video just to spice things up, for a small fee plus my medical bills. Trust me, it doesn’t hurt that bad, as least not as bad as listening to this bullshit song.
SPECIAL RETRO BONUS SONG
Teen Top – Rocking
Do you remember that time in k-pop years ago, when every new Teen Top song was a great track and they were your favourite group? Me neither.
That’s all for this week – more k-pop songs rounded up by Kpopalypse next week!