It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out this week’s new releases!

G-Dragon – Untitled, 2014

Just because something is piano and vocals only and they couldn’t be fucked giving it a proper song title and the album is the real name of a person who has been using an alias for years doesn’t mean it’s suddenly “deep” or “honest” or whatever the fuck YG are fooling you into thinking this is.  Whether you like the song or not, this is as cookie-cutter and formulaic as anything else out there.

Pentagon – Critical Beauty

The intro and rhythms are from “Jailhouse Rock“, but over a trap beat.  Makes sense when you consider that Elvis occupied the same market position as k-pop back then.  The original teen idol.

WJSN (Cosmic Girls) – Happy

The video directors overlaid the music with a bunch of annoying Korean-drama-level non-humour and stupid sound effects because they didn’t want to hear the song either.

Day6 – I Smile

Kind of bland and non-interesting, which makes it one of the better songs this week.

Chungha ft. Jucksal – Why Don’t You Know

This week’s token tropical shithouse.

Top Secret – Mind Control

Whenever I squirt in girls’ faces they don’t ever dance like that, unless they slip on the bathroom tiles on their way to the shower.

FTIsland – Wind

I like it how the group are trying to look like they’re “rocking out” but the distorted electric guitars are buried under 57 layers of orchestra instruments in all but about ten seconds of the song.

 

Elris – You And I

Some cruisy bossanova sort of thing which would fit perfectly if this was an intro to a porn film but just feels deep in the uncanny valley as feature track material.

SS301 – Hello Mello

No video for this exists but I’m sure it’ll come out 5 minutes after I publish this roundup just to fuck with me.

Eddy Kim – Heart Pound

This is R&B but for some reason I don’t hate it.  Well, not completely.

 

BONUS SONGS

Taeyang – So Good

If you want to see a more “sincere” song from a BigBang member this week, here’s a much better example of true emotional honesty.  Taeyang and Lexus sincerely want you to buy this fucking car.  Why are you still reading this?  Go buy the car, cunt.  What do you mean it’s too expensive, are you a real fan or what.

Ina – Love Doll

Proof that having a cute girl sing Busker Busker style bullshit instead of three dorky dudes doesn’t make the song any better.

Clara – Hitchhiking

Both things that I wanted from a Clara comeback are correct and present in this video and that’s really all that matters.

Vinicus – Easy

SM hop aboard the boring R&B trend… oh wait they were already riding that trend.  I don’t even know what I’m talking about.  This sucks anyway.

Lutto ft. Don Mills – Simple N Honest

Still waiting for this style of rap to go out of fashion.

Ma Eunjin ft. d.ear – I Understand

She looks as bored as me.

ATO – Hello There

Look at the sleaze in the comments asking if she has a boyfriend.

Sweet Sorrow – First Love

Sometimes you hear songs like this and look at the traffic in the video and you start thinking about Ladies Code and maybe it was boring ballads that were being played in the car stereo that were the real catalyst for that accident.

Gummy – I I Yo

Gummy must be fug these days because she’s not even in the video.

Little Psy – KaTalk Song

I’m convinced that he’s just trolling us all at this point.

Kim Ki Peum – Out Of My Way

A request I couldn’t play because I can’t find any audio for it.  Did you know that it’s almost impossible to play YouTube videos directly on-air because even if the video has an uncluttered sonic field with no stupid sound effects or mid-video segues, the Internet at the radio station sucks ass?  One of the big reasons why I have far less technical problems on my show now compared to previously is that I gave up on stream shit live through our crummy Internet.  The other option for short-notice airplay is to rip the YouTube in advance, or rip the audio out of the YouTube, but this seriously reduces the bitrate to the point where it often sounds no good on air and sometimes even has chunks of sound missing – this is by design as YouTube are caonimas and it’s a fairly recent development, a few years ago you could rip at full quality but you can’t anymore.  Also many audio rippers are shady and misadvertise the bitrate, or are spyware-infected like Allkpop or do other weird things so it’s best not to use them.  I’ll do my best to find songs that people request but it’s not always possible!

SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG

Wonder Girls – Be My Baby

Why do “flat-earthers” and “anti-vaxxers” plus the dozens of batshit crazy organised religions still exist in today’s world of advanced science?  Why do people still believe in debunked bullshit like chemtrails?  Why did JYP always give Sohee horrible mullet-esque hairstyles worse than any Dara ponytail?  All questions that deserve a better answer than today’s modern philosophers can provide.

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That’s all for this week, Kpopalypse roundup will return with more new songs next week!