The Kpopalypse guide to giving less fucks about stupid k-pop shit

It’s quite often that I’m asked variations of the following question:

If you’ve ever been having trouble giving less fucks about stupid k-pop shit, or wondered how I manage to keep my life free of giving unnecessary fucks, then this is the post for you!

When it comes to k-pop, it’s well-documented that I give fucks about the following things:

  • Primary concern – is more good k-pop music being released that I like
  • Secondary concern – are there occasionally k-pop idols who are hot

I care about these things because they directly affect the quality of my life.  More good songs being released means I can enjoy listening to those songs.  K-pop idols being hot means that I can find the contents of k-pop music videos and related promotional material more aesthetically pleasing and occasionally potentially save such material for later use.  These are both definite quality of life enhancers that contribute directly to my continued holistic well-being as a caonima.

Now here’s a list of things to do with k-pop that I really don’t give any fucks about, and how I manage to not give a fuck about each one, with friendly easy-to-read dot-points.

Music video teasers

Music videos are essentially advertising, on three levels:

  • They are advertising the idol to you, to be a fan of the idol (and buy the song, but that part is actually less important)
  • They are advertising any of the products that the idol is seen with to you, so you buy those products once you’re a fan
  • They are advertising the idol to companies, for them to spend money using those idols for more advertising for more products for you to buy

So it’s a three-way advert, and like any good three-way, you’re getting fucked at both ends of the spectrum.  On the other hand in a music video teaser, they are advertising the advertisement itself.  Not only that, they’re often not even advertising it correctly, as far as the one aspect that I do care about the most (music) is concerned.  Compare this incredibly cool teaser with great Jean-Michel Jarre sounds….

…to the completely blandified, uninteresting finished product:

No wonder “Whoo” is the last fucking feature track that Rainbow did, what a way to kill off the group by basically lying to all the music fans.  You’re simply a sucker for punishment if you watch music video teasers – these companies are insulting you and you’re lapping it up.  I bet that the creators of television advertising never dreamed of a society where people would willingly not just watch advertising, but watch advertising for the advertising.  Speaking of Rainbow’s commercial failure, this brings us to:

Idol group disbandments

You really shouldn’t give a fuck about this.  The following are certain whenever an idol group disbands:

  • Their last song will be some tacky godawful “oh my god fans we’ll miss you so much” bullshit, which not only will musically suck but isn’t even emotionally honest, as…
  • The girls or boys themselves will probably be quite happy that they’ve escaped the cruel k-idol meat-grinding shit machine to do other things
  • Music fans remain unaffected as any songs in reserve for the group just get shuffled over to one of the same company’s other groups
  • Fap fans actually benefit as the now ex-idols have more time to post pictures of themselves on Instagram in between photos of all the new food they’re suddenly allowed to eat

A “clean” disbandment is also nothing to celebrate.  It just means that the company is better at lying to you about how messy things are internally, which they always, always are.  This brings us to:

Scandals

You really have to be a special kind of person to care about k-pop scandals, and I mean special in the Welcome To The Dollhouse sense.  However if you are one of the unfortunates who finds caring about the endless, pointless scandals of k-pop to be one of your “special needs“, consider the following:

  • Many scandals are just “noise marketing” designed to build web traffic around the idol, by being outraged you’re playing the game the media wants you to play
  • Only the tiniest sliver of fans actually care about any scandal involving anybody, because most people have their own lives to worry about
  • Scandals only ever paint situations in terms of black-and-white, good-and-evil, don’t worry about the truth being reported as nuanced trufax doesn’t generate clicks

Look at how difficult it was for Asian Junkie to find out the simple truth of the fairly basic situation of T.O.P’s overdose, it took him twenty seven fucking updates before we knew what was going on, and his information was still better than most.  Not his fault (although blame him anyway because it’s funny, tell him I sent you), it’s just nearly impossible to get good sources when there’s so much to be gained by various parties from lying about any given situation.  Lies travel faster because people spread data based on what touches their emotional buttons the most, not based on what’s more honest, because it’s hard to verify information but easy to be outraged, scared, upset, happy, touched, etc. and click “share”.  Unless you have Super Boram ESP powers like Kpopalypse to discern the trufax in any given situation, it’s better to just not give a fuck, because whatever you’re being fed is usually bullshit, written by people who love or hate your idol a little too much.  Which brings us to:

Popular opinion of your idol

It doesn’t matter what people think about your favourite most-loved, most-fapped-to idols, because there are always benefits.

If your idol is liked you obtain the following advantages:

  • More articles with fappable content
  • Maybe they’ll come back a little sooner (probably not though – lol)
  • Increased social status, more k-pop deludus will have a reason to talk to you wait that’s not an advantage

On the other hand if your idol is hated you benefit in the following ways:

You definitely shouldn’t give any fucks about what other people think, especially those pesky…

Netizen comments

Very few things in life are less important than what some dickheads write on an Internet comments section.

A quick summation of Korean netizen portals:

  • Naver – the popular one, comments here are about as intellectual and relevant as YouTube comments (i.e not at all)
  • Nate – the less popular trolly one, full of trolly trolls who troll when they troll, and general angsty kidlets
  • Pann – the one where all the fans live, full of the usual insane overreach and general nuttiness that comes with fandom life
  • All the others that nobody dare translate from

If you want to troll these portals yourself, go right ahead using this helpful guide, but don’t worry about what they think about you – or anything else for that matter.  Which means you should also give no fucks about

Netizenbuzz

What’s less relevant than a Nate comments section?  A website that translates a Nate comments section as if it’s important.

I’ve been doing my best to get myself banned from Netizenbuzz lately…

…but the mods are so shit that for some reason I can still post there, in the “Sea Of Cancer”.

Maybe one day they’ll do their job and I’ll have a good laugh as I join the “banned by NB” honour roll.

Here’s some more bonus shit to not care about:

Your idol’s hair

I used to care about hairstyles a lot, and I had a fairly strong preference for long, dark hair.   That was before I got into any real relationships of any worth.  The thing that cured me from my hairstyle fetish once and for all was my current girlfriend, who I’ve been seeing for seven years now, and still going strong.  Since we’ve met she’s gone through:

  • Short black Uma Thurman Pulp Fiction bob
  • Medium length red hair
  • Long deep red hair
  • Deep blue hair
  • Straight and loooooooong deep blue hair with fringe
  • Super wavy black hair
  • Straight black hair
  • Dita Von Teese mega-styled black hair
  • Maybe there was some green in it at one point I can’t remember
  • Ash blonde
  • Some other blonde which is what she has now
  • Some cool shit with purple fuck I dunno
  • Some other weird shit

…and those are just the ones I remember off the top of my head, there’s probably about 50 others.  K-pop girls are similar in this respect, it really doesn’t matter what hairstyle they have because just like my girlfriend it’s going to be something completely different next week probably.  So with my chameleon girlfriend I got over that shit because she’s hot with all of the above, and I suggest that you do too.

Music show wins

I always think it’s so cute when the groups cry when they win an award, especially the young girls.  Sure, the tears are genuine, they’re thinking about how many meals they’ve missed and how many times they’ve been yelled at by the dance coach up until that point and it was all for that one little win on some shitty TV show nobody watches and that everybody except a dozen die-hard fans will forget about by this time next week, when there’ll be a whole bunch of other different nugu groups on there and one of them wins the same bullshit.  The dumb ones are up there crying thinking “oh my god I’m so happy, it’s my dream” and the smart ones are up there crying thinking “all that, for this bullshit?

Who your idol fucked

Your idol not only isn’t a virgin, but has been getting laid for quite some time now.  Why do you think that young boys in Korea even want to be idols in the first place, probably for the same reason that young western boys want to play guitar – if you get good enough at it, it increases the odds of a potential hand-shandy behind the bike shed (at least theoretically).  There’s a few gay/lesbian idols who fuck others in the same group, but that’s a lot rarer than the fandoms wish it was, the truth is that cross-group romances within the same labels are more likely.  I’m sure CNBlue blew over a few members of AOA etc, after all the opportunity is there so why not?  SNSD cougars jerking off young EXO cocks was the least shocking thing about SM Entertainment to surface ever, and you can bet that there’s a lot more “short-term” relationships going on that you never even hear about.  Just accept that your idol is doing something with somebody somewhere, and that you the fan are well and truly out of the picture.  Then you can stop giving a fuck and start chasing guys or girls in your real life with those saesang skills.  Just appreciate your idols for their looks, which brings us to:

Objectification

There’s no point giving any fucks about this, especially as you’re all completely complicit, whether you agree with objectification or not.  Remember kids:

  • The music business is the objectification business
  • You’re objectifying your idols every time you look at them on TV or unwrap a photocard
  • It doesn’t matter if they dress “sexy”, “smart” or “cute”, it’s still objectification
  • People are sex objects, so objectification makes sense, after all it’s not like you really know their personalities
  • Dressing sexy is one of the few chances these people actually have to make money, before you criticise it consider that maybe, just maybe, the boys and girls are cool with it, and it’s probably one of the least unpleasant things they have to do
  • Idols who have “sexy” concepts in Korea are tame as fuck, you fucking child
  • None of you are reading this, you’re watching the Hyosung video

People like to complain about dumb shit like “objectification” so they can feel better about the fact that they’re supporting an industry where half of the idols up there on stages are dancing through their own tears after being cruelly mistreated by their own companies for years on end.  Of course I support it too, I just don’t try to claim the moral high ground at the same time, unlike shitty sites such as

Allkpop (aka The Great Satan)

Does anyone still visit this site?  If so, why?  You shouldn’t visit Allkpop if you’re a fan of:

I always have to laugh especially when I see so-called T-ara fans still visiting that fucking shit hole.  How many times do they have to shit on your favourite group until you learn?  If someone hands you a big pile of shit constantly you don’t have to keep eating it and saying “yum yum”, you’re allowed to refuse.  Anyway you should give no fucks about this site, or indeed

Any k-pop site

Let’s look at the other kpop sites.  They are all not worth giving a fuck about.

  • Asian Junkie – boring moralising tone but also thinks baseball is acceptable and fetishises a fat egg
  • Anti Kpop-Fangirl – draws one penis a month since “coming back”, Hwasnake levels of determination to post
  • Netizenbuzz – milking tragedy and misinformation for clicks and ad revenue, ex-Allkpop writer and it shows
  • Soompi – only good when they’re copying my shit with those big-ass articles
  • Seoulbeats – mega-hate site turned cray-cray SJW but we all know how those people really are
  • The Grand Narrative – like Seoulbeats if the writers all got a Cert III in Gender Studies
  • KpopKfans – better than NB but that’s like saying a shit is a chocolate cake if it doesn’t have maggots in it
  • Pann-Choa – why are you cunts all so nice, it bothers me
  • Omonatheydidnt – I’m sure this site sucks too but I can’t think of a reason right now
  • Reddit/kpop – the “mature k-pop community” who subscribe to rules that they don’t even obey
  • Korean Indie – hates Gfriend but actually listened to three whole 10cm albums, wasting his life
  • Billboard – one k-pop writer but it’s a waste because he likes BTS (Armys come at me)
  • Koreaboo – like Buzzfeed if Buzzfeed thought that everything else in this post actually mattered
  • Arcadey – I’d call Jacques a faggot bitch but he actually is one so that’s kind of left me nowhere to go… fuck

Definitely you should not give any fucks about any of these sites, and especially not the one site above all that you should give the least amount of fucks about as it’s worse than all of these:

Kpopalypse

If it were possible to give negative amounts of fuck, you should do that for Kpopalypse, by far the worst k-pop site on the Internet, far more shit than anything else listed here.  My site is truly not worth giving any fucks about.

  • I’m just some asshole
  • I don’t actually know what I’m talking about, except when I do and then I’m even more annoying
  • Massively self-important egocentric wanker
  • I’m probably trolling you, or if I’m taking this shit seriously that’s even worse
  • I don’t have ads but I link my Patreon all the time because I’m a cunt
  • I’m not even funny
  • I would probably bash a glitter-throwing k-pop fan like Andrew Bolt
  • Stupid default WordPress theme because fuck you
  • I basically can’t write, but I write a lot
  • I’m probably a rapist because I’m always talking about Gain
  • Lame comments section, why don’t I use Disqus like every other site – that’s right, to annoy you
  • Only posts three times a week and it’s all bullshit
  • Stupid post layouts with dumb meme-style header images, what’s with those header images
  • Fucking red text, I can’t even read it so why do I think that you can
  • Worthless song reviews that I clearly write while taking a dump
  • Too much fucking swearing, fucking edgy tryhard fucking cockstain
  • Is basically Hitler, did you read that Frenchface article, sacre bleu or whatever the fuck
  • I’m even more annoying when I post on other sites
  • What a cunt in general
  • Spending the entire post being a dodgy cunt and then ending with some ultra-positive “see you next time friends” bullshit
  • Fuck

That’s a lot of good reasons to not give a fuck about Kpopalypse blog.  Maybe you should stop reading this bullshit.  Oh wait you’re already at the end.


Hopefully by now you have felt the fucks draining from your body and have stopped giving any fucks about everything listed here and you can now carry on enjoying k-pop!  Thanks to this therapeutic post you should now be in a complete state of calmness, relaxation and non-fucks-giving!  Kpopalypse will return with more posts for your enjoyment soon!

17 thoughts on “The Kpopalypse guide to giving less fucks about stupid k-pop shit

  1. I know I shouldn’t give fucks about this blog but I’m a sado – masochistic Cao Ni ma so I can’t help myself. I’m sorry great one, I’ll go reflect and comeback with a better image only to still give fucks about your blog.

  2. I know, that a point or 2 were also inspired by the recent SISTAR disbandement and I even believe my posts might have influenced 1 or 2 sentences. I the end you are probably right, I mean Starship forcing Soyou to dance with a back injury was not cool, Starship promoting WJSN 1 day after SISTAR disbandement was not really beautiful. Many things, that I imagined are absolute bullshit.
    I know, why I wanted to believe those things, but they were shit.

  3. As what I have observed, you’re too honest to be banned by NB, Oppa. It’s fairly easy, actually, just go against the flow of the article but write in the same way others in NB will write.
    And I just knew you’d be bothered with PannChoa lololol

  4. AKF may not post much, but he is certainly more entertaining than a boring 10,000 word essay on how everything is “problematic”.

    Give me “OMG Devil Nayeon fap fap fap” any day.

  5. Your comment about music show wins reminded me of what AOA’s Chanmi confessed: Feeling completely empty during promos and that her life led up to a piece of plastic on stage.

    She was probably silenced after that, but it surprising to hear such a confession from the group during their popular upswing (Miniskirt and Short Hair eras)

  6. K-pop teasers aren’t the only ads for ads. Super Bowl ads can get their own teaser for the commercial. I remember when the “Ferris Bueller” Honda commercial teaser was released and everyone was excited and couldn’t wait to watch it on Super Bowl Sunday. At least k-pop doesn’t trick you into watching sports.

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