It’s time for another Kpopalyspe roundup!  Let’s take a look at this week’s new releases!

Ikon – B-Day

So who wrote these new Ikon tracks?  It’s almost as if the kids decided to have a crack at it all themselves instead of farming the job out to the experts who knew what they were doing, but I’m sure no CEO in their right mind would risk that… oh wait

Ikon – Bling Bling

Oh well, nobody really cares about this group do they?  I mean, you kids already have BTS and Seventeen, right?

Seventeen – Don’t Wanna Cry

Speaking of which, Seventeen’s high success levels must be down to correct marketing because the songs just haven’t been quite there yet for some reason.  However this is probably their best attempt yet.

GOT7 – My Swagger

The crazy backings here make this song impossible to ignore and it’d possibly be the song of the week for me if it wasn’t for…

A.C.E – Cactus

Man-meat-flashing nugus A.C.E up the ante on techno in k-pop and it’s actually really good because they don’t leave the song behind, even if the production has a few issues with the vocals drowning out everything else in the chorus.  Also they do tropical shithouse but only for about two bars, which is just about matching my tolerance level for it these days.

Kriesha Chu – Trouble

The usual boring sax riff stuff, plus as usual it’s always the most generic songs possible that have top-billed limelight-hogging producers in the video title.

B.I.G – Hello Hello

This song is about half the speed that it should be, use YouTube’s settings to speed it up to 2x and you’ll see what I mean.  Still, “Hello Hello” is better than “Hello”.

Sehwang & Jungmo – Nostalgia

Okay so SM are going to use SM Station for different stuff for a while.  I’m cool with it.

KNK – Sun, Moon, Star

Mitigates the depths of ballad trash somewhat by having a swing feel plus an actual beat, but the truth is nobody listens to k-pop specifically to hear songs like this.

Yezi – Anck Su Namum

While it lacks a little in the melody department, this is still the song CL always promised but never delivered.  Also it’s very kind of Yezi to let Hwayoung guest star in her video, surely she has a heart of gold giving a girl a leg up with her failing career.

Kim Lip – Eclipse

Loona’s company chip away at the group’s sound a bit to introduce a “sexy” member (or whatever the fuck) but it really feels like Hyuna lite watching this skinny girl gyrate around as if she’s Dita Von Teese or something.

BONUS SONGS

Marmello – Puppet

Weird how they went to all the effort of plugging in the guitars to make it look “authentic” but then they leave the electronic keyboard unplugged.  You might as well compete the look, team.

Navid – Not Coming Back To Me

It’s probably the pink fedora scaring them off, Navid.  I wouldn’t come back to you either after seeing that rainbow dogshit on your head.

24K – Only You

Sounds like a hybrid of every boring k-pop trend released in the last five years.

MAP6 – I’m Ready

Yes this is all a bit unexciting isn’t it.

Coco – Wishy Washy

Making a little girl use the Shure Super 55 improperly like that is surely a form of child abuse.

FTIsland ft. Kim Nayoung – Love Sick

More like “ballad sick”.

Goretexx, Black Nut, Han Yo Han – Silky Bois

I expected more from such an arch caoniima as Black Nut, this is disappointingly weak.

Amplixx – Stay Away

Even though this video is mega-cheap, I just keep thinking of the waste of natural resources in making all those neon signs to accompany this boring Foo Fighters style bollocks.

South Club – Hug Me

So this is what that guy from Winner would rather be doing than YG’s shit.  He gives my “depressed nugus” a run for their money here.

Most Badass Asian – Officer

I’m pretty sure that this shit music wasn’t in Martin Luther King’s dream.

Jaeney – Lemonade

We don’t see Jaeney at all in this video so I assume she is over the 53.1kg gym trainer bullying threshold.

Show Me The Money season 6 producer cypher

I don’t even know why this exists really but it proves that Dean is useless compared to everybody else, which I knew already.

Dumbfoundead ft. Jessi & Year Of The Ox – Send Me To War

Speaking of useless rappers, what is it with Dumbfoundead, always with the shit beats.

Lil Yachty ft. CL – Surrender

You know how I said CL had a rare unique voice in k-pop recently?  Well I might have to take that back because she just sounds like any other sedated girl doing cocaine in Yachty’s studio on this track.

SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG

Juniel – Bad Man

Juniel’s obvious plumbing of IU’s acoustic territory is as sonically well-groomed as it is bone-chillingly tepid.  It’s like IU became a Stepford wife, with all the dynamic expression to match.  It’s not a bad song but I’m not sure what FNC were thinking marketing this to actual humans with emotions.

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That’s all for this week’s Kpopalypse roundup – more next week!