It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
PSY – New Face
The song isn’t great but I appreciate the public service PSY provides for k-pop’s fappable ladies by introducing a new one to the west occasionally, that’s his real cultural value.
PSY – I Luv It
This song isn’t great either but… oh wait there’s only the PPAP guy in this one, that’s good, it means I don’t even have to give a shit.
Hitchhiker & Taeyong – Around
Okay so SM Station heard my complaints and finally made something that isn’t a fucking ballad. I guess next week it’ll be back to the usual bullshit so enjoy this while you can.
Unnies – Right?
I don’t even know what this is really and I don’t usually cover OST stuff and I don’t even like it at all but I know people will ask about it if I don’t put it here. Also is that Hong Jin Young in 0.5 seconds of this video, I think I can squeeze out a fap in that time.
Navi ft. DinDin – Are You In Love?
Reasonable enough MBK-style mid-paced trot ballad ruined with scat vocal and too much trying to be “funky”. Also stop doing that vertical letterboxing shit, nobody wants to see that.
Jay Park – Hulk Hogan
Yeah nah. I’m good, thanks.
Loona ft. Jinsoul – Everyday I Need You
Everyday I need you to fuck off.
Navid – Not Coming Back To Me
She looks like someone gave her a guitar for the first time 30 seconds ago. “Oooh look at me – with a guitar!” – whoop-de-doo you boring cunt.
Defconn – Bobae Dream
It’s a bit sad when some TV show host has better rap songs than most of the rappers. I’m not sure if that says more about TV in Korea or rap in Korea.
Soom ft. Sanchez – TBH
A slightly better beat than usual for this type of trash, but it’s still trash.
Young Cream – Night
The night is probably the best time to experience young cream.
Don Malik – Yellow
Oh look he’s wearing a flag, that must mean he agrees with everything that flag stands for, because context is never important.
Rich Chigga, Keith Ape, XXXTentacion – Gospel
This song makes me want to write a review of it that doesn’t give my opinion of the song.
Stylo-Bille ft Chillin Ovatime‚ Da Soul – Dope Shit
And this is the lame crap that we now have to put up with thanks to Keith Ape.
Cherry Factory – Don’t Be Mad
That blonde girl is trying to pull off “cute” but she looks like a heroin addict in rehab, it’s unsettling to watch. I kept watching her expecting her to suddenly start crying and demanding food.
Rex.D – some acoustic bullshit
Some acoustic bullshit.
Ovan – For Real
This is like tropical shithouse where he couldn’t be bothered with the music part so he just wore a Hawaiian shirt instead and figured that’ll do.
Boheme – I Am Me
Dull jazz-lite ballads aren’t just for the big artists. Boredom is a democracy.
Year 7 Class 1 – Oppa Virus (acoustic version)
You know it’s a shit week in music when Year 7 Class 1 get their only good song and try to make it as shit as possible. Also the Rhodes is an electric piano and shouldn’t be allowed on “acoustic” songs. I feel like they released this deliberately to fuck with me. At least they look great.
Rose – Knock Knock #2(20:32)
You know you need to report your ex-boyfriend to the police when he makes a song and titles it with the exact time he turned up unannounced at your door to try and “save the relationship” even though you told him firmly to fuck off six months ago.
Lee Hanchul & Now – Have A Good Time
I’m sure these kids were just roped into this because it was for school or something. Don’t special school projects suck.
Cool Jae Hoon Lee – Jeju Island
Despite how they’re trying to make it look, no they did not record this shit song on the fucking beach. Nice try though.
GIRLS BEING BORED IN BALLAD VIDEOS CLEARING HOUSE SECTION
Richard Parkers – Today
That woman looks as bored as I am.
Ha Dong Qn – The Maze Of Reality
This girl doesn’t even give a shit about all the acid-trip stuff happening around her, it can’t break her out of her ballad coma.
Letter Flow – Enough
And this woman looks completely devastated. Forget the North, maybe America should invade South Korea and liberate girls from ballad oppression instead.
SPECIAL RETRO BONUS SONG
Psy – Gangnam Style
I guess I can get a review for this song out of the fucking way, finally. The first time I heard Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway To Heaven” I was probably about 12 years old and I thought it was a cool song. I probably also enjoyed it the next 20, 30, maybe even 50 times after that, but now I’m on about the 1206th listen and FUCK that song. I only pity the poor Led Zeppelin members who surely must be even more sick of the fucking thing than I am. That’s kind of how I feel about “Gangnam Style”. At first it was great to randomly hear a k-pop song blaring from a neighbour’s backyard party in a suburb where that would normally never happen, but now when I hear it I just want to throw a brick over the fence, preferably with T-ara’s “Absolute First Album” attached. “Gangnam Style” of course isn’t that bad a song once you strip away the annoying overexposure generated by its cultural impact, but it’s also not that great of a song once you strip away the funny video that makes so much of it work. I think we all know that the only reason why people liked the song so much back in the day was because they were imagining the video content inside their heads as they were listening. The silver lining is that it’s always good to rub it into whatever fandom is crowing about their idols’ supposedly amazing American successes this week that a tubby Korean guy nearly my age broke through the American market in a way that they’ll never be able to.