Inquiring minds may wish to know how to best ensure coverage by Asian Junkie, the most relevant true k-pop journalism site of all time. If you’ve been wondering about this, Kpopalypse is here to help you!
Asian Junkie is a k-pop blogsite, and one of the last bastions of “true journalism” in k-pop writing where all the news is true, truthful and trufaxual. It’s naturally everybody’s lifelong dream to be covered by a site with such high standards of truthful truthiness, so for the benefit of any k-pop industry types who read my blog (and I know some of you do) I’ve decided to run some stats on Asian Junkie to determine the best strategies for gaining coverage.
Strategy: be a racist k-pop idol
The above chart shows the amount posts on Asian Junkie relating to racism, since January 2015.
Accessibility: it’s easy to gain coverage via this method, just perform an act of hot, spicy racism. Painting your face to resemble a south-east Asian is enough to potentially gain entry into this category, as is singing the word “negro” in a song containing the word “negro” in the lyrics, these are two methods that have proven to be effective, but there may be others so feel free to experiment. Don’t forget to also apologise later for your actions, be sure to do so a couple of days after the event as this will generate an extra post evaluating the sincerity level of your apology. Non-idols need not apply – nobody cares if you’re racist if you’re not also famous.
Reward: racists can expect a maximum of five posts dedicated to their actions per month.
Popularity: the trend line shows that this method is gradually increasing.
Strategy: be a victim or perpetrator of domestic violence
The above chart shows the amount posts on Asian Junkie relating to domestic violence, since January 2015.
Accessibility: being a perpetrator is accessible to anybody but carries with it potential legal/personal complications such as jail time and social ostracision. Being a victim on the other hand does not have such drawbacks but however is also less accessible, as not everybody gets targeted for domestic violence.
Reward: at his peak Asian Junkie has posted about domestic violence 6 times per month.
Popularity: the trend line shows that this method is gradually decreasing. Kpopalypse recommends that anybody considering domestic violence purely for the side-benefits of coverage on Asian Junkie make the switch to racism instead.
Strategy: be a victim or perpetrator of sexual assault
The above chart shows the amount posts on Asian Junkie relating to sexual assault, since January 2015.
Accessibility: much the same accessibility issues as domestic violence above.
Reward: a phenomenal 23 posts per month were made by Asian Junkie when covering a sexual assault case last year. That’s a lot of media coverage on the world’s most trufaxy true k-pop journalism site! You probably couldn’t even buy this coverage off Asian Junkie given how committed to journalistic integrity the site is.
Popularity: despite the huge spike, the trend here is only increasing very gradually, therefore despite the extremely large amount of potential traffic, the costs in jail time (for perpetrators and victims, this is Korean justice, remember) may outweigh these factors.
Strategy: be in K-Tigers
The above chart shows the amount posts on Asian Junkie relating to K-Tigers, since January 2015. K-Tigers are a relatively new group, hence the coverage has only commenced recently.
Accessibility: you will need to be a member of K-Tigers to gain coverage via this method. This presents a potential barrier to many, as not only strictly choreographed dancing but also extremely finely-honed martial-arts skills are required.
Reward: at their peak K-Tigers were receiving 16 posts per month on Asian Junkie, that’s one post every second day! However as a member of K-Tigers, you’re also less likely to appear in the sexual assault and domestic violence graphs above, so the coverage likelihood stat has to also factor this influence.
Popularity: the trend line shows that this method is exponentially increasing. It could definitely be worthwhile auditioning for K-Tigers to reap the benefits of future coverage.
Strategy: be in Crayon Pop
The above chart shows the amount posts on Asian Junkie relating to Crayon Pop, since January 2015.
Accessibility: you will need to be a member of Crayon Pop to gain coverage via this method. However with Crayon Pop one member short and the group’s future in doubt, now seems like the opportune time to offer them your services. Membership in Crayon Pop’s flower-picking, cats-out-of-trees-getting good-deed-doing organised-crime-what-never-heard-of-it-nope fanbase offshoot Way’s Girls may also potentially qualify you for coverage under this method.
Reward: Crayon Pop has been written about up to 12 times per month in the past, however…
Popularity: the graph shows that Crayon Pop coverage is gradually declining.
Strategy: be in T-ara
The above chart shows the amount posts on Asian Junkie relating to T-ara, since January 2015.
Accessibility: you do not need to be a member of T-ara to gain coverage via this method, as ex-member Hwayoung has proven by getting her tits out in public whenever a T-ara comeback is near and absorbing article coverage like a cum-sponge. Mentioning that you were once in T-ara or nearly in T-ara or maybe did nail styling for them one time ought to be enough.
Reward: T-ara has been written about up to 16 times per month in the past, that’s as much as K-Tigers!
Popularity: the trend line indicates that T-ara coverage is gradually increasing. Don’t expect Hwayoung’s propped-up titties to be going anywhere anytime soon.
Strategy: be not-Raina
The above chart shows the amount posts on Asian Junkie relating to not-Raina, since January 2015.
Accessibility: you might not be Raina, but only not-Raina is not just not Raina but also not-Raina. Therefore you are not not-Raina, or Raina, unless you are not-Raina, in which case you are also not Raina, as well as not-Raina.
Reward: not-Raina can expect up to five posts per month, maximum, for not being Raina.
Popularity: the trend line indicates that not-Raina coverage is decreasing. It does not appear to be worth being not-Raina, even if you are not Raina.
Strategy: be an Asian Junkie writer
The above chart shows the amount of posts written (or claimed to have been written) by Kpopalypse that were published on Asian Junkie, since January 2015.
Accessibility: I have no idea what Asian Junkie’s selection process for writers is. He just emailed me one day. I guess it’s a bit like the Skull & Sones “shoulder tap”.
Reward: you can expect at most six posts per month, if my experience is anything to go by. However also expect long stretches with no posts at all because Asian Junkie couldn’t be fucked editing your articles.
Popularity: Kpopalypse posts on Asian Junkie are gradually decreasing, what could be the reason? Could it be that Asian Junkie is holding out publishing space for writers with better boobs?
Strategy: be an Asian Junkie writer with better boobs
The above chart shows the amount of posts written (or claimed to have been written) by Betsy that were published on Asian Junkie, since January 2015.
Accessibility: I don’t know the story of how Betsy came to write for Asian Junkie but it probably had something to do with Betsy having better boobs.
Reward: you can expect a whopping sixteen posts per month, which is a lot! However there will also once again be long stretches with no posts at all.
Popularity: frequency of Betsy articles are also gradually decreasing, however still are at twice the level of Kpopalypse articles.
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Thanks for reading, hopefully this post has provided some help for those struggling with media coverage! Don’t forget to read Asian Junkie and check it often for important updates (mostly about K-Tigers). Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!