It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup – let’s check out some new releases!

Triple H – 365 Fresh

The song title sounds like an antiperspirant commercial tagline and the song actually fits the theme of advertising by being something you wouldn’t listen to by choice but which you might tolerate because it happens to be scheduled between other stuff you’re actually interested in.

BoA – Spring Rain

I can’t wait for the complaints about the shoes hanging from the power line.  Nobody gives a shit about your lame gang culture, we just like shoes and power lines, okay?

Loona 1/3 – Sonatine

One again Loona do a tango-themed slow song that maybe about two people will understand.  Oh and if any of you are wondering what “vocal soup” sounds like, this is a perfect example.

Hyukoh – Wanli

Hyukoh released several songs this week, but this is the only good one, once it gets going.

Henry – Real Love

This is B O R I N G

DIA – Boyfriend

Koreans hate good music so much that groups now have to introduce it by stealth, by being as boring as possible with a song until the chorus hits.

Varsity – Hole In One

I’ll get around to that “healthy porn for women” post at some point but in the meantime check out these pink jackets!

Sechskies – Sad Song

Despite the title it’s actually one of the better songs this week even if it sounds like a second-rate remix of BigBang’s “Monster“.

Momoland – Wonderful Love

Just stops short of blowing me away due to a chorus melody that is just a bit too one-note.  Still pretty cool though.

Skull, C.Jamm, KKIA, Jah Vinci – Killa Dreads

Actually alright, Skull is generally better when he’s rapping rather than doing reggae.  I appreciate the attempt to crack the record for “amount of guys standing around in the background of a video for no reason”.

BONUS SONGS

Sechskies – Be Well

And here’s the “other song” from Sechskies which is the usual boring slow bullshit, because I guess they want one of these to chart.

Jonghyun ft. Taeyeon – Lonely

Never mind the song and the video, read the YouTube comments, they’re actually more syrupy and cheesy than the song itself.

Charlie & Shinba ft. Zingo – Good Zombie

You can thank T-ara for every zombie comeback ever.  They probably inspired Michael Jackson to do “Thriller” as well.

OLNL – Oh Yeah

That thing wrapped around his head is just a no.

Hyukoh – Leather Jacket

No song called “Leather Jacket” has a right to be this mellow.  Rob Halford is crying somewhere.

Hyukoh – Tomboy

Stop animating our kangaroos crappily thank you Korea.

Reddy – Supreme

Supremely dull.

A$AP TyY ft. BeWhy & Cjamm – Like Me

Okay so what is actually going on at 0:17 with the bicycle and the smoke, I’m not giving you my opinion of this song until someone tells me.

Minzy – Superwoman

It’s a shame that Minzy killed all the stock invested in her as a visual outlier by fucking with plastic surgery, but that hideous millennial whoop chorus is still worse than whatever she did to her face.

Stella Jang – Vanishing Paycheck

Just because it’s different to everything else coming out lately doesn’t mean it’s any good.

Bumkey ft. Beenzino – Surprise

If these two ever do a decent song that really will be a surprise.

Jea ft. Ra.D – You’re Different

Maybe they’re called Brown Eyed Girls because their ballad songs are about as much fun as having someone take a shit on your face.

Mind U ft. Madclown – Loved U

This group isn’t new, they used to be some other group called Acouvre or something but nobody cares because this is horrible.

Fana – Power

I would have thought that this guy who sounds like the Korean Joe Pesci could have rapped over a better beat than this.

Eluphnat ft. Yang Da Il – Invitation

Boring.

Martin Smith – Paint On Spring

Your anglicised name doesn’t fool me you are still boring Korean R&B

Boi B ft. Sik K – ADY

Imagine if this many songs came out each week in Korea that was in a genre that was not R&B but something actually decent.  Imagine the huge lift in global music quality that would account for, week after week.

Yu Ha Eun – Answer Me, My Love

I was waiting for a scene where the two try to kiss each other but end up headbutting each other because they forget that they have space helmets on.  If I was directing this, I would have put that in.  Korean music video directors get 35% off my consultant fees if they email me asking for MV ideas and quote this post.

Some other songs people asked me to review, fuck knows why because they’re all dogshit

Keith Ape – Swanton Bomb

Professional wrestling is stupid and fake so it fits Keith Ape’s music quite well.

Keith Ape ft. Ski Mask The Slump God – Going Down To Underwater

South Park on the other hand is quite intelligent and funny and therefore has no place being paired with this music.

B-Free & Brian Chase – Takeoff

Maybe if Hwayoung’s umbrella glowed like this she wouldn’t have broken it and blamed Boram.

FMT – Touch It

Produced by Areia, they of the universally horrible k-pop remixes, so you know it’s bad, but I do hope that they keep up this sort of thing and kick the remixing to the curb because then at least I have a reason to care that they’re doing something.

SPECIAL RETRO BONUS SONG

Dal Shabet ft. Bigtone – Hit U

This was the song that first made me aware of Dal Shabet, and while the track is pleasingly heavy and stomping in a way that so much of k-pop really isn’t these days, the main thing I love about “Hit U” is actually the music video.  No real “point”, no weak moralising, just a pure and simple tale of “you pissed me off, so I killed you, the end”.  I love it how she also bumps off four other random people just because they happen to be in the general vicinity, and treading on the corpses is a nice touch.  Sure it’s a bit tame with the pink blood that has no doubt been included to appease censors, but by Korean idol pop standards this is still practically a Slayer video.

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That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week!