It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
IU ft. G-Dragon – Palette
IU had a much better song ready for her comeback but swapped it out for this because she knows boredom is what Korean audiences want.
K.A.R.D – Rumour
K.A.R.D actually have a pretty good (for fucking once) diet-reggae track here, until the tropical house melody comes creeping through the back door after the chorus like a pedophile abducting your children.
Snuper – Back Hug
More tropical house sneaking shadily into the background of everything and trying to ruin a song which is actually pretty good. Why shit on your own music like this?
DIA – Will You Go Out With Me
It’s hard not to like this song just because it’s upbeat and everything else this week is so dreary, but DIA have consistently evaded the iconic T-ara style song that they need.
Apink – Always
It’s weird how all of a sudden all Apink’s Korean songs are the ones that suck now, but at least they remain fappable so it’s okay.
EXP Edition – Feel Like This
I don’t know why everyone is complaining and they’re not hugely popular, this is pretty much just K.A.R.D with more facial hair.
Bonusbaby – If I Become An Adult
Much better than their other song because at least someone remembered to turn up the backing track this time.
Kim Young Chul & Hong Jin Young – Ring Ring
It’s been a while since a video with Hong Jin Young in it has had really good boob presentation, so this is very welcome. For some reason this music video is about a minute shorter than the song itself which is a pity because I could have handled another minute of staring at HJY.
14U – Very Very Very
I spent ages thinking “why is it called Fourteen You when there’s only six of them” and then I realised that it’s supposed to be “One For You” and there actually is fourteen of them, and now I’m even more confused.
SF9 – Easy Love
This song shocked me by actually being decent once the chorus arrived.
Jessica – It’s Spring
I talked over the top of this one on-air, saying it wasn’t as good as EXP Edition, which it isn’t. Just because.
Ra.D – Day Off
I want a day off Korean R&B ballads.
Double Eight – Booster
The chanting and stuff is pretty comical and this is really quite poo but it’s not tropical shithouse, R&B or a ballad so I’ll take it.
IU – Ending Scene
Oh look IU is being boring again.
Haeri – Hate That I Miss You
Of course Haeri’s quality control unit found out about “Pattern” actually being decent and said “right, that’s quite enough of that – back to boring ballads for you!”
Yesung – Paper Umbrella
Paper doesn’t work very well as an umbrella, and this new single doesn’t work very well as a song.
Honey G – Healing You
I won’t tell you what western groups this sounds like because that might prompt some of you who disagree with me to listen to them and you might enjoy it.
TheEastLight – I Am What I Am
It’s not that exciting, but if it’s still too high quality for you I guess you could try the tropical shithouse remix.
Double K- Used To
More Rhodes garbage with basically no beat or anything else interesting about it.
Jan Hanbyul – Dumb Love
More extremely unexciting music. Fuck.
Jungigo – Across The Universe
This song is so bad that I actually wish it was a cover of the shitty Beatles song with the same name instead. That’s when you know you’ve really hit rock bottom.
Chung Ha – Week
I like the chewed-up tape because back when I was growing up that was the simple solution to shit music. Now with the Internet this shit spreads like a cancer.
I don’t know what this song is and I don’t care
Stanley Clarke band ft. Chris Clarke – To Be Alive
Okay so Stanley Clarke isn’t k-pop or anything even related, so this is just an FYI. Stanley Clarke’s boring-as-fuck jazz fusion wank has been around forever and for some weird reason SM Entertainment have picked up a song of his to distribute on their channel. It makes sense in a way – jazz fusion is the perfect music for k-pop fans because it’s all about technique and “ooh my, look how talented they are, oh gosh, wank wank wank” instead of actually having good songs, because nobody in jazz fusion has any songs worth a shit, which is why most of you cunts don’t even know what jazz fusion is even though Stanley Clarke is even older than Kpopalypse.
SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG
Jiggy Fellaz – Jiggy Get Down
Take a listen to this great posse rap track which features a pre-EXID LE and almost everyone here going way harder than any of them ever have on anything since.
That’s all for this week – more new songs next week!