Spring is in the air! That is, unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere like Kpopalypse does, or a tropical part of the world, in which case you can rest assured that your experience doesn’t fucking matter to hemispherocentric k-pop fans who thinks that the whole world shares their exact weather patterns so as far as they’re concerned you might as well just fuck off and die you narrative-wrecking piece of fucking shit. For the rest of you with Northern Hemispherian privilege, it’s a time of warmth and hopes of new beginnings. It’s never too late to start over, and what more perfect season to do so than spring? Check out Kpopalypse’s playlist below for the perfect songs to listen to while enjoying the warm spring air!
When I think of spring, I don’t think about the weather.
When I think of spring, I think about springing Iron from jail.
When I think of spring, I also think about the springs in Gain’s bicycle seat.
Not to mention springing a boner over Hyosung’s tits.
However for the most part, when I think of spring I think of all the stupid people who like “spring songs”.
Do you ever think about what a lovely place the world would be, without all the stupid k-pop fans that make Korean pop music so unpleasant?
All the small, petty people. All the ugly, annoying people. All the people who put “Cherry Blossom Ending” back in the charts each springtime. It’s hard not to think about it.
I like to think about what could be done to these people. Something cruel, something mean, something just. But the meaner the better – goodness knows they deserve it.
Have you ever dreamed of killing all the stupid k-pop fans? Not just the unintelligent ones, but the sort that don’t know anything about anything in k-pop – yet seem to have opinions about everything.
They’re only too ready to offer you their advice about how to run your life, and yet look at how they run their own lives.
For the most part they’ve accomplished nothing, they’ve contributed nothing, their lives are miserable. But they talk, talk, talk… at the very least their tongues should be cut out. At the very least.
Do you ever want to kill all the people who tell lies? Some certainly deserve it. Not necessarily the big liars, or even those who teach lies as truth. I’m talking about people who say one thing and do another, or those who share with you k-pop teaser videos that you know will sound nothing like the final song.
Did you ever want to kill all the slow people in the world? The people who are in front of you when they should be behind you, or those that try to make you appreciate k-pop ballads. It’s a crime that the swift should be held back by the slow, and it’s criminal that nothing is done to rectify it.
And what about all the really ugly people? Add them to the list as well.
Some people try not to think about life’s ugliness. I’ve thought about it – I’ve thought about it quite a lot. Something should be done to these k-pop fans. Something to make them suffer, the way they’ve made us suffer.
I say, bring back the Circus Maximus for starters. Unless these weeds are dealt with, they’ll poison everything. They are poisoning everything. We need a gardener. A brutal gardener. A thorough, thoughtful gardener. An iron gardener.
Whatever happened to Vlad the Impaler? Where’s Genghis Khan when you need him? Or Roi d’Ys? Ayatollah Khomeini? Boyd Rice? Kim Kwang Soo? Sulli? Way’s Girls? Come back! Come back!