It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup – let’s take a look at some new releases!
Winner – Really Really
Yes, YG’s songwriters have really dumped their signature sound they spent all those years crafting with BigBang and 2ne1 for trendy tropical shithouse bullshit. I guess why make effort when it’s only some crappy boy group they don’t care about.
Oh My Girl – Coloring Book
Like being fist-fucked by a thousand baby penguins. The crappy CGI dolphin and blimp in this video definitely outcraps the crappy CGI train in DIA’s “Mr Potter” but nobody will complain about how Oh My Girl’s agency sucks and don’t know what they’re doing because k-pop fans are hypocrites.
Taeyeon – Make Me Love You
This is a lot better than most Taeyeon tracks because the chorus is fairly disciplined and doesn’t go off into woo-woo-ooh la-la land, but it does go just a little too far in the other direction by basically flattening everything out to one note. I guess if that’s what it takes to get this bitch to stop her fucking improvs then I’ll settle for it.
Ten ft. Lucas – Dream In A Dream
Just what the k-pop world needed, miss A’s “I Dont Need A Man” at half speed.
Imfact – Tension Up
It has to be hard to skate in such a small area, I wonder how many workplace accidents they had while filming this. I guess nobody cares if nugus break their shins, it’s not like they have anywhere to be.
Dreamcatcher – Good Night
See, adding members CAN work. New members should be added to all girl groups at all times. More options!
Inx – 2gether
Whoever owns the building they’re dancing in must make a fortune in renting it out to these groups all the time.
Black6ix – Please
Look at these cunts making me reach up into the number line to type their band name when there’s not even six of them. If I break a finger I’m suing their company.
Say Yes – I Miss You
It’s a bit sad when the reconfigured Minx goes harder than this group. Korean boy rockers are always so shit. This song has exactly the same chorus melody as some 80s rock song but I can’t remember which one.
Day6 – I’m Serious
Here’s some more crap Korean boy rock. Just burn the guitars and make it a dance band, why even pretend that you “rock” at this point. At least the doo-wop inspired breakdown here was kinda cool.
EXID – Night Rather Than Day
Four members rather than the full group. Banana Plan rather than some Korean label. Boring rather than interesting.
Hong Jin Young, DIA, Kim Yon Ja – You Are My Flower
Hong Jin Young really needs to lay off the plastic surgery, she looked better before.
Winner – Fool
Those girls blindfolded and dancing in circles are probably YG’s creative team having a tropical shithouse songwriting brainstorm session.
Gaeko ft. Rap Monster – Gajah
Why is it in 6/8 time, sorry but that’s just fucking stupid. This has all the rhythmic flow of Elvis’ last toilet visit.
SBGB – Kidult
Sorry but editing your boring-as-shit ballad music video at T-ara speed isn’t going to make me like it any more. It just stops me from fapping to the girls playing instruments.
Corona – Holding Your Hand
My first car was a Toyota Corona from 1970. It was a piece of shit, and so is this.
Babylon ft. San E – Ocean Drive
San E was way better when he was in JYP, because he didn’t actually get to release anything and that was great.
Laybacksound – Where
Sounds like all those boring new post-Sulli f(x) songs.
Hong Dae Kwang – Fall In Love
HEY YOU LITTLE SHITS GO AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK STOP THAT RIGHT NOW
We Are Young – Truth
It’s like they listened to that IU song from last week and thought “if we sing really close to the microphone really quietly and then aurally excite the fuck out of our vocals maybe we can hit #1 too”.
April – Pretty Brown Dog
I always knew April were debuting too young, this dog doesn’t look a day over 10.
Young Cream ft. J-Boog – Better Know
I want Young Cream to guest on an April track, just because “April ft. Young Cream” is going to trigger so many people.
SPECIAL RETRO BONUS SONG
People have asked me to review older songs, because they enjoyed when I used to drop an odd older song into the Roundup. So I will make a regular thing of it. Perhaps not every week, but I’ll do one song most weeks, whether I play any old songs on the radio show itself or not. Feel free to request a retro bonus song for future roundups! FYI I’m defining “retro” as “anytime between two weeks ago and the invention of charcoal drawings on cave walls of girls with big boobs giving blowjobs”.
E.via – Shake
All of E.via’s early singles were the fucking same, but they were also mostly pretty good so it was okay. They all have that speeding-up thing in the second verse to try and help along the silly hype at the time that she was apparently the fastest rapper in Korea, even though she never did rap very fast in any of them, it’s just the beat that is fast. I never heard her do anything faster than Outsider so I’m not sure where exactly it was that she broke that record, if she even ever did. Anyway I liked this song regardless of the content of her pointless press releases, she’s far less interesting now as Tymee where she just churns out the usual mid-paced boring stuff, she’s lost the fun element that she used to have. The best thing about “Shake!” in particular is all the butthurt whining from westerners generated about how the models in this video “got nothing TO shake because they’re so skinny” and while that may be arguably true it takes all types, man.
That’s all for this week – more next week!