It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup – let’s check out some of this week’s new releases!
Highlight – Pls Don’t Be Sad
This combines trap, tropical shithouse, 80s synth and millennial whoop into a frightening trendception. It’s almost like they read all your complaints about me not reviewing songs properly in roundup and thought “let’s make it extra hard for that cunt to even make his mind up”.
Rap Monster & Wale – Change
Sorry kids – there’s enough English-language rap in here for me to confirm that Rap Monster isn’t exactly the next Rakim. Wale’s verses are actually significantly better, and being out-rapped by Wale is kind of like being outsmarted by Tony Abbott.
MVP – Take It
Actually really good but only if you’re listening on headphones or big speakers. Don’t bother playing this through your phone or laptop.
Sixbomb – Becoming Prettier [After]
Supposedly they got plastic surgery before this comeback hence the song name, but if you ask me they just used more makeup and different hair because they look exactly the same as before. Their tits aren’t even any bigger. Receipts from the plastic surgeon or it didn’t happen.
Cao Lu, Kisum, Yerin – Spring Again
If you’re going to do product placement, do it right. Why do they have that little kitschy TV and that pissy tiny phone and not a big-ass Samsung widescreen that records your every sound and movement and sends it to the NSA? What a missed opportunity to display a motherfucking huge Samsung logo.
Oohyo – Pizza
Starts off like the usual Fender Rhodes shitball but once the song kicks in it’s actually alright.
Minje – Welcome Lover/Yellow
Okay this is different and really interesting in a “I can’t believe some fucking loser yolotard did some weird Cocteau Twins ambient guitar shit” kind of way.
Wutan ft. Don Mills – 808
So unapologetically tuneless and talentless with that hideous organ-mashing riff that it achieves what “It G Ma” arguably set out to do but failed at, and actually circles all the way around the shit sphere to become good again.
The Night Of Seokyo ft. Hyeri – The Road
Aren’t you glad I didn’t play this boring crap on air, yes you are.
Fresh Boyz – Studio
Why do you dickheads wear those fucking napkins, is it to catch your drool you fucking babies.
Snuper – Oh Yeah
A hideous chorus melody makes sure that this song is irritating and easily ignored. How much money did they spend on buffing those faces to a perfect sheen though.
Seven O’clock – Echo
Crappy tropical shithouse is for complete nugus too!
San E – Seoul, Or The 120 Days Of Sodom
A fitting title because it definitely feels like being anally raped for 120 days.
All Right Music -All Right
Incorrect group and song title confirmed.
DPR Live ft. Crush – Laptua
This guy apparently worked with Dean once or something, which tells you all you need to know about how shit this is.
J-Min – Alive
What happened to the rock J-Min? Whether J-Min is actually “Alive” here could be debated.
Mad Clown ft. Suran – Love Is A Dog From Hell
One of the best song titles in all of k-pop wasted on the usual “guy raps over four ballady chords, then girl sings over the same four ballady chords” formula.
Cheska ft. Ja Mezz – Faded
You might remember Cheska as the girl with the glasses who was in the debut Fiestar lineup. Seems that she’s caught yolo fever. Pray for her swift recovery.
Bye Bye Badman – Island Island
I always used to hate cassette players where you had to put the tape in upside down. I don’t know why, I guess it fucked with my OCD tendencies. I was so happy when I bought my own cassette player when I was about 15 or so and the tapes went in the right way and not the faggot bitch upside down way.
Joonil Jung – Wish
This song is as boring as Park Shin Hye’s face so it’s a nice matchup really.
Pretty Brown ft, Verbal Jint – Grey
If you read the comments on YouTube you’ll notice that everyone is only commenting about how AJ from U-Kiss is in the video and that’s because the song is so dull and nondescript that there’s simply no other reason why anyone would pay attention to this.
I don’t know what this is but it sucks
This is what so-called “indie groups” in Korea do – make a ballad out of their fucking wedding photos. I’ve seen actual wedding videos that aren’t this sentimental and vomit-inducing.
That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week!