It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
Highlight – It’s Still Beautiful
Oh great, now that they’ve had a breakup from their label Beast 2.0 have their token “mourning” song, let’s hope they don’t transform for good into a shitty ballad group. Mind you I’m sure the only reason why they put out a crap ballad first is because they wanted to warm up a song quickly to capitalise on the controversy of the label shift/name change and learning dance routines for upbeat comebacks takes time.
GOT7 – Never Ever
The tropical shithouse is kept to the far background here and it’s just as well.
B.A.P – Wake Me Up
TS Entertainment have no money these days but they’re still spending shitloads on fancy B.A.P videos to keep up appearances. They could have just sold me that car instead of smashing it up, I would have given them $50 for it. They could have bought a lot of sweet potato and brown rice with that.
BTOB – Movie
Everyone’s blown away by this but only because BTOB did about four years straight of nothing but dull ballads so this new song is like Slayer in comparison. Oh and non-Korean speakers notice how corny the English rap is. That’s how corny all k-pop rap parts in Korean are in all k-pop everywhere, it just doesn’t bother you because you can’t understand it.
Loona 1/3 – Love & Live
This is the sequel to “Ah-Choo” that everyone wanted Lovelyz to do. I guess when the boss man owns a private arms company, he’s got the muscle to get you what you want, he probably hired Way’s Girls to influence Woollim to part with this track.
Brave Girls – Rollin’
Brave Girls continue to be the group that gets Bravesound’s shitty offcuts while he farms out all the songs people actually want to listen to over to other groups for cash. This time he’s dabbling with tropical shithouse just like every other composer in 2017 and the results are as boring as when everyone else does it.
Cherry Coke – Like I Do
This is not a “short version”, this is how long the song actually is. I guess I should be grateful. The sounds are okay, someone just forgot to write a song with them.
Romeo – Without U
Romeo continue to be Infinite on a budget, and that’s not a bad thing as long as you don’t expect too much.
Produce 101 Season 2 – Pick Me
Actually it’s slightly better than the girl version, but rest assured I won’t be writing about this series anywhere on Kpopalypse blog unless something really bizarre forces my hand. Which it unfortunately probably will.
Eric Nam & Somi – You, Who?
The book and film Lolita were both highly overrated, overlong essays about an older man and an underage girl meeting up and doing a bunch of boring shit that nobody cares about. Eric Nam and Somi have recreated this in all its dull authenticity and in the process out-lolitaed every lolita concept in k-pop for all time.
LambC – Love Like That
This video is cool because it shows just how much effort and technicality goes into making the most boring music in the world. People waste their entire lives learning to do this.
Park Ji Yoon – Without You
I swear I’ve already included this in a roundup, but I checked back and maybe I haven’t? I just vaguely remember thinking that it was cool someone shot a video on the set of my Tzuyu fanfic, and then I had a massive sense of deja vu, like I’d already mentioned this very recently. So either I’ve reviewed this before, or everyone’s just using the same fucking sets over and over.
V-Hawk – Blow
Hard-Autotuning rap verses is like shoe-shining an ugg boot.
Heyday ft. Jason – My Earth
There’s a book on the table called “Scam-Proof Your Life“. Sounds like a good read, I wonder if there’s a chapter in there about not buying shitty Korean R&B songs.
Ashmute – Scenery
Well, this is better than all the other ballads this week, mainly due to not being super-smoothed and oversung to oblivion.
Corona – My Way
Shure Super 55 used correctly alert. They’re finally learning! I wonder if the knowledge will ever filter up to SM Entertainment.
Nyla ft. Davii – Can’t Find No Reason
Even the comical swearing can’t save this. Lots of talk, no action.
So Ji Sub ft. Changmo – Are You With Me?
Here’s a project – edit together all shots in this video that don’t have someone wearing a cap in them, and see how long the song lasts. I’m tipping under ten seconds.
Hyungdon & Daejune – Rap Impossible
No beat of any worth but it’s just a joke song so it doesn’t matter. This will help you if you’re learning Korean pronunciation. All Koreans talk exactly like this at all times.
Justin Oh ft. Hyolyn – Jekyll & Hyde
This is like Hyomin’s “Sketch” if it just repeated one fucking melody all the time.
Maydoni – Don’t Speak
Song is dull but the girl and the outfits all MRS. Apparently she was a YG trainee which makes me think that perhaps YG doesn’t make decisions with his dick after all.
Look at these bitches. Just look at them.
No I don’t mean the girls on stage but all the meatheads clapping along. Seriously, what the fuck – just because some performer tries to get you to clap to their bullshit song doesn’t mean you actually have to do it, you fucking sheep. Don’t you just wish you were that kid’s parent so you could give him a slap across the head and yell “DON’T CLAP YOU LITTLE FUCK”. Of course he will start crying and asking “whyyyyyy?”, but you can’t explain to someone that age that this type of music is cancer, how as a concerned responsible parent its your duty to protect him from mentally corrupting influences, and that a little pain now will save him from a lifetime of torture by shit acoustic clap-a-long garbage later. You just have to exert your parental authority and leave the long justifications for parent-teacher night.
That’s all for another Kpopalypse roundup – more next week!