Having difficulty coping emotionally with your favourite k-pop group’s disbandment?  Then this post is for you!

Times are tough for k-poppers in 2017.  Here’s a list of groups that have disbanded recently, listed with the groups people care about the most at the top, and groups people care about the least at the bottom:

Wonder Girls
2NE1
Kara
2AM
4Minute
miss A*
After School*
Rainbow
SPEED
Tiny-G
Bob Girls
EvoL
ZPZG
Wings*
Global Icon
Delight*
The Ark
Vividiva
Spica
CSJH The Grace*

Could your favourite idol group be among them?  Probably, or you wouldn’t be reading this post.  However never fear, because it’s now time for:

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Kpopalypse’s 12 steps for coping with k-pop idol group disbandment

Step 1 – admit powerlessness

No matter how much you stan your faves with lengthy rambling social networking activity, you can’t control their inevitable disbandment.  Popularity is no guarantee of staying power – 2NE1 broke up despite having the most rabid, mouth-breathing, one-eyed fandom in existence outside of EXO and BTS, yet they still succumbed to the tides of change in the fast-paced world of k-pop.  After School’s constantly rotating membership structure, seemingly an iron-clad insurance policy against ever having to retire the group as theoretically they could be rejuvenated endlessly with new members, still wasn’t enough to prevent them for imploding in a barely-contained frenzy of Kahiesque bitterness.  Improbable as it may seem right at this moment, even T-ara will one day disband, probably after collecting their 25th consecutive Billboard fan army win and buying their fifth Chinese palace each.  It makes sense to take off your rose-coloured glasses and psychologically prepare yourself for the inevitable.

Step 2 – find a power greater than yourself

Other 12-step programs suggest a religious deity or similar non-denominational higher power, but such drastic brainwashing measures are not required in this case.  When you’re a k-pop fan sniveling pathetically over the fate of some guys or girls in some group that broke up whom you don’t even know personally, just about anything qualifies as “a power greater than yourself”.  An ant crawling around in your back garden will probably do, or maybe a particularly attractive pebble or plank of wood – all probably have more resilience and practical use than your lowly self at this point.  Just don’t make the higher power you select a k-pop idol of any sort or they will just quit k-pop next week and then the cycle begins again.

Step 3 – learn to depend on your higher power

Since you clearly can’t depend on yourself to think rationally, and your idols are no good because the dirty whores keep disbanding and breaking your heart, why not become co-dependent on your newfound higher power instead?  Co-dependency is like love but with more creepiness and less objectivity, so it should be only a small adjustment for any k-pop fan.  Once you learn to transfer your co-dependence from your now-defunct idol group onto something else slightly more reliable, you’re 25% of the way toward recovery!

Step 4 – make a moral inventory

Look deep inside your soul.  Think about all the times that you felt embarrassed, guilty, angry or regretful.  Perhaps you were embarrassed by saying that 2NE1 would last another ten years just the other month and then you were proven wrong the very next day.  Perhaps you are angry that YG broke them up because he only cares about Blackpink now.  Maybe you feel guilty because you stanned your bias too much.  Maybe you feel regretful because you didn’t stan them enough.  Whatever the case, know that them breaking up is probably at least 0.0001% your fault and that this makes you a terrible person.

Step 5 – be honest about your mistakes

Let’s be honest – you fucked up.  Getting into k-pop was just the beginning, but you had to become a fan of a group doomed to failure, didn’t you.  T-ara was right there ready and waiting for your support, but you chose another group incorrectly.  In a genre with such disposable music, where idols are thrown away once they reach their 30s and often before, what did you expect?  Did you really think your bias group would outlast T-ara?  As ridiculous a notion as David Bowie, Michael Jackson or Lemmy living longer than Keith Richards.  It’s time to reflect and admit your failings.

Step 6 – become ready to remove your flaws

Now that it is certain that you have behaved with poor judgement and are generally a terrible person, you are ready for a higher power to intervene and remove your laziness and lack of determination.  If you’re finding it difficult to achieve a state of readiness, then it may help to watch the music videos of k-pop groups with high determination levels and righteous longevity.

Step 7 – ask a higher power to remove your faults

As mentioned previously, the higher power that you select doesn’t really matter much.  People brainwashed by organised religion may wish to select their chosen deity but such drastic measures are hardly necessary.  As a k-pop fan of a disbanded group you are the lowest form of life and perhaps even more worthless that most of the universe’s inanimate objects, so a “higher power” won’t be difficult to find.  Just choose anything, it’s okay.  Maybe not Johnny Noh though, he has too many faults of his own to be able to remove yours.

Step 8 – make a list of people you’ve hurt

Think about all your delusional stanning.  How much have you hurt the people around you in your daily life, as well as strangers on the Interweb, by peddling lies and misinformation about the potential longevity of your favourite group?  How many gullible people have you hoodwinked and swindled?  These are not rhetorical questions.  Make a fucking list, cunt.

Step 9 – apologise to people you’ve harmed

Now that you have your list, you can apologise to each and every one of the people that you have turned into crazy delusional fans as nutty as you were before you woke up to yourself using steps 1 to 8.  This may be time consuming to do on an individual basis, so to save yourself typing maybe make a shitty Tumblr post about how fandoms are dumb and just link everyone to it, or make a post on the k-pop Reddit, OneHallyu or any other high-traffic, mature, well-balanced Internet community.

Step 10 – monitor yourself and admit mistakes

Are you starting to realise by now that you’re a complete piece of shit?  Fantastic, this means that the steps are working!  Now you can keep tabs on yourself and self-flagellate as often as possible whenever you catch yourself slipping.  Give yourself strict limits to your k-pop-following behaviour and be sure to…

Step 11 – commit to a spiritual practice

It’s important to stay spiritually grounded.  As Swings says, people look after the mind and the body, but not the soul, and we all know that Swings is a trusted authority on moral character.  If you’re struggling to find a religion with sufficient credibility to invest yourself in spiritually (as well you might), Kpopalypse suggests Rainaism, the religion of k-pop peace.  Remember that sending a regular tithe to Kpopalypse via Patreon is highly encouraged, it won’t actually achieve anything for your life but at least Rainaism is honest about the fact that your money is basically wasted on the creator’s Internet shopping unlike other religions who take your cash and actually promise something in return.

Step 12 – help others

Why not use the power of the Intertube to spread the word that following and becoming emotionally attached to k-pop groups in general is a crazy delusional practice which is bound to leave participants emotionally shattered while wasting their time, money and sanity.  If nobody will listen (which is likely) you can always start a snarky sarcastic, condescending blog that becomes wildly popular and hugely successful and routinely offend people just by being yourself and having an opinion about it.

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That’s all for this post!  Good luck on your road to recovery from emotional anguish and torment!

*these groups haven’t officially disbanded yet, so there’s probably still some hope… nah just kidding.  lol