It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup – let’s check out some new releases!
Scan-dol of the week: Suzy (miss A)
2NE1 – Goodbye
This song might be shit like their last dozen or so but at least YG finally gave me the Bom Realdoll boob presentation that I knew she was capable of all along. I can’t be mad at him anymore.
Kris Wu – Juice
Spamming yolo-lite for crappy American film soundtracks might pay the bills for now but how is Kris going to get a job long-term with “Heaven” tattooed on his forehead. Better grow that fringe.
Luna, Hani, Solar – Honey Bee
Beyonce-cloning and sax riffs combine into a shitception.
Seohyun – Don’t Say No
This song has some of the best and worst styling Seohyun has ever had. She looks great at the start as the flourescent librarian of +10 boners but all the other clothes and makeup just looks like garbage.
CLC – Hobgoblin
Kpopalypse sidebar girls always have a great year. 2017 will be Sorn’s year, I have forseen it.
Laysha – Party Tonight
White shirts and bear sex MRS
Haseul, Yeojin – My Melody / Hyunjin, Heejin – My Sunday
Loona’s company release two fairly unexciting songs that are really not a bit different apart from some very minor lyric and phrasing changes in the chorus. I flipped a coin and played “My Sunday” on the show because it really didn’t fucking matter.
San E ft. Hwasa – I Am Me
“I am me” isn’t a very profound observation but it’s about as insightful as rap gets these days I guess.
Gain, Jeff Bernat – Pray
Waste of fap potential #1: I prayed for Gain to actually be in the video of this song but my prayers were not answered.
Kasper – Lean On Me
Lean on her all you want but don’t bother asking for an interview!
BONUS SONGS
Suzy – Pretending To Be Happy
More like “pretending to be really singing live”.
I.O.I – Downpour
Well, it’s certainly a downpour of something.
Yesung & Seulgi – Darling U
One of those songs that you know exactly how it’s going to sound just from the title and who is involved.
Park Kyung ft. Brother Su – When I’m With You
Meh.
Jessi – Don’t Make Me Cry
Watch at 1:58 as that guy makes an unauthorised grab for Jessi’s fake boobies. She should be careful not to void the warranty on those things.
Puer Kim – How Are You, The Love Of My Life
Waste of fap potential #2: I’m great, but I’d be better if this video had some footage of Puer Kim in it.
Palgou – Bed Trip
At least Primary’s alter-ego visage at least has a face on it or whatever, this guy is literally a triangle.
Dasom, 40 – You And I
Wow, Dasom looks 40 alright, what happened to her? I guess anal sex isn’t that good for you after all.
That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week!
KPOPALYPSE 
Honey bee had such potential, instead they decided to just release something garbage and ride the hani hype train rather than putting in effort. The sax gives me migranes.
Releases involving Gain, IOI and Dasom come out and they all fail to deliver. Disappointing.
Hobgoblin gets a bit eerie after reading that Hyuna fanfic.
My best friend’s ultimate bias is Kris. Good to have some annoyance material to shove in her face.
I sort of liked the idea of LOONA at first, but I was assuming 12+ videos meant the songs would all be different. There’s still 8 more girls to go, maybe one of them will get some yoloswag shit. Not that it would sound any good, but at least that’s some variety.
That ‘Heaven’ tattoo probably shows how the Chinese view the stupid Chinese tattoos westerners get, with random words on their bodies, believing they have some inner mystical meaning, or some shit 😀