Frustrated that you can’t get an accurate translation of trashy gossip articles that you shouldn’t even care about but you do anyway because you’re one of life’s losers?  Annoyed because the information within your favourite stupid articles about the private lives of people whose lifestyles shouldn’t concern you in any way whatsoever conflicts with the narratives that certain k-pop sites want to portray, and therefore those sites won’t translate any of it?  Irritated by the biased and subtle editorial spin that some translation sites add to their translations?  Time for Kpopalypse to help redress the balance of trufax, with the Kpopalypse Language Interpretation Team Of Ridiculously Important Scandals!

In this post, the Kpopalypse Language Interpretation Team Of Ridiculously Important Scandals will take a look at an Instiz article which dropped a load of hot super-true trufaxual trueness which nobody else is translating because nobody dares mess with their own narratives.  The original article is here, and following is the super-accurate translation!

연예부 기자가 언급한 최신 연예 소식들 (트와이스, 마마무, 방탄, 무한도전)

THE LATEST ENTERTAINMENT NEWS, FROM AN ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER WHO WILL REMAIN ANONYMOUS AND STIR SOME SHIT (Twice, Mamamoo, BTS, Infinite Challenge)

스포츠조선 야구부-연예부

CJ E&M enews 방송팀

경력 8년 차 연예부 기자

아프리카 방송도 가끔 하심

마마무2명 방탄1명 애인있음

정채연 착하고 귀엽다고 트와이스 걸그룹중 최단정산 아직까진 편가르기없이 착함

I would actually bang DIA’s Chaeyeon, I like it when she does the Girl’s Day move in “Mr Potter“, that always gives me a fucking boner.  Also, Twice have surprised everyone by basically becoming the next huge girl group, everyone thought SM would do it but JYP has taken over, we didn’t see that shit coming, although we did see JYP coming because his pants are transparent.

인성좋고 호감인 연옌: 방탄,전효성,정채연,고아라,부산행정유미,강동원,유주엄지, 서강준,ㄱㅅㄹ제외 아역배우들,푼수현,이해인 등

These celebrities didn’t piss me off or send me hate tweets during my 8 years of writing shit articles about them to milk their celebrity status for quick cash, so they’re okay by me: Hyosung from BTS, Chaeyeon from DIA (have I mentioned that I would bang her yet, because I so would do that), Yuju and Umji Dickinson from Gfriend, Lee Haein and Soohyun from Produce 101 and some actors and actresses that Kpopalypse doesn’t care about so I’m sure he won’t translate that part when he does his stupid article about this.

노홍철 무도 합류함 까칠하다고 함

Noh Hong Chul will return to some shit TV show he used to be in that nobody watches.

원더걸스 재계약 안 함

Wonder Girls don’t give a FUCK about JYP anymore.  Wonder Girls actually had to do almost everything on “Why So Lonely” on their own because JYP kept jacking it to Twice under the studio desk, he was so turned on that he forgot he was wearing plastic pants and Wonder Girls could see everything, it was so gross watching the jizz running down the inside of his pants leg.  The Wonder Girls realised that JYP is all about those Twice bitches now that they’re his new cash cow so they’re flying the coop hoping to end up with a label that actually gives a crap.

aoa 불화설 살짝 있음

AOA are starting to get the shits with each other a bit because Choa and Seolhyun have the hot bodies and are collecting all the attention and endorsements, Jimin gets all the “hey” lines and raps, and the rest of the members are out in the cold.  Their agency did that crappy “AOA Cream” project to shut up the ungrateful ones who are being carried, but they still whine as if they’re capable of making any real contribution.

티아라 왕따아님 류화영이 나쁜년

T-ara didn’t bully Hwayoung.  The fact is that Hwayoung is a cuntfaced fucking supermole of the highest order, and although Hwayoung didn’t get bullied, she certainly deserved to be.  I would bully that bitch myself if I could, but she’s not relevant enough for me to write hate-articles about without my boss wondering what the fuck I’m doing with the time he’s paying me for.

개그맨들 실제론 좀 까칠함

Comedians aren’t that much fun to be around, they’re kinda cunts when they’re not onstage, which makes sense really because you would be a cunt too if you had to pretend to be “funny” all the time.

공유 김고은 까칠함

Gong Yoo and Kim Goeun are kinda fuckheads too.  “Who?” you may ask, and rightly so.

전지현 한예슬 별로

Actresses Jun Jihyun and Han Ye Seul fucking hate each other.  Not that anyone cares, but just saying.

남주혁 이성경도 좀 그렇다캄

More cuntfaced fucking cunts in the acting world who can’t stand the sight of each other, or anyone else for that matter – Nam Joo Hyuk and Lee Sung Kyung.  The way these actors and actresses bitch around, you’d think that they actually earned money or something.  Ha!

여자친구는 신인같지가않다캄 한명이 물흐리고 유주랑 엄지는착함

Yuju and Umji Dickinson are the only girls in Gfriend who are still reasonable human beings.  The rest of them act like they have broomsticks up their asses just because they’ve got a little bit of fame and had a massive hit song.  Fucking fame goes straight to these young bitches’ heads, I swear.  Soon they’ll be like Mariah Carey requesting that people release 100 white doves at every show or some shit.  Why do I work in this shitty industry, I hate my life.

아이오아이 다이아 우주소녀 구구단 문제로 회사간, 멤버간 마찰있음 물흐리는 멤버1명있는데 노코멘트

I.O.I, DIA, Cosmic Girls and Gugudan all have issues with one or two cuntfaced moles on their team fucking it up for everyone else.  Always the way with these sluts.  No, it’s not DIA’s Chaeyeon, I said that she was alright and that I would shoot my hot load over her, do you really have that much of a goldfish memory that you don’t remember me writing this you dumb cunt?  No more clues though.

ioi에선 센터급으로 잘해주는데 자기그룹가면 쩌리라고 투정대는 찡찡이 1명있다고 함

One of the most important members in I.O.I is never given any importance in her own group.  The girl is kinda shitty about this and always whines but nobody really listens because fuck her, it’s not up to her, right?  Bitch needs to know her place and just shut up and smile and do the dances like everybody else.  Once again, it’s not DIA’s Chaeyeon, she pretty much carries DIA’s ass these days, pay attention kids.  Also, I would bang her.  No more clues though.

시크릿 송지은,징거vs한선화 결국 적자라고 함

Secret have finally stopped being a bunch of cunts to each other and have called a truce.  I guess their menstrual cycles have finally synchronised.

전효성은 열심

Gosh, Hyosung has some great tits.  Oh and she works really hard and is very keen to do well with everything she does.

아이린은 소극적이라함 방송보이는 그대론듯

Irene from Red Velvet is very introverted and much the same on-screen as off, I have no idea what the fuck she’s even doing in this industry.

예리는 정반대 활발

Yeri from Red Velvet on the other hand is a very bright, energetic person.  Guess she hasn’t been in k-pop that long and isn’t savvy to how things really work.  Give her a few years for SM to drain the life and soul out of her.

이병헌 여자많음 지창욱 작품마다 여배우랑 사귄다고 함80%는

Actors Lee Byung Hun and Ji Chang Wook are fucking sluts.  They probably have AIDS.  Ji Chang Wook banged 80% of his costars.  Given that about 50% of his co-stars are male, he mathematically is therefore surely bisexual.

이휘재 별로 유아인도 별로

Lee Hwi Jae and Yoo Ah In are two people that you don’t care about, and neither do I, and they don’t care about you either.  They are cunts, mark my word.

양현석이 sm에 열등감이 있다고 함 이수만이 회장님이라 불리니 자기 별명인 양싸를 못 부르게 함

YG has an inferiority complex, so you can’t use his nickname around him, because Lee Soo-Man’s nickname is cooler.  Just in case you needed more reasons to think that YG is a dickhead.

sm팸콘때 yg팸콘을 급하게 같은날에 잡았는데 sm은 꽉터졌고 yg가 덜 차서 언론에 보내지 말라고 함

While we’re on the topic of YG being a shithead, SM and YG had big concerts on the same day.  SM’s concert sold out but YG’s did not, so YG tried to get the media not to report on SM’s concert at all, probably by paying for hookers or something.  Fucking dodgy, yeah?  What a cunt.  Ugly, too.

jyp가 수지를 매우아껴서 재계약할거고 민이는 안할거같대

JYP is going to keep Suzy but get rid of Min, because Suzy makes money whereas Min just makes Kpopalypse fap, and Kpopalypse fap doesn’t pay the bills.

조권가인 안사겻고 가인주지훈 헤어진건지?기자 반응보면 바람난거같기도하고 암튼 리액션을 애매하게함

Gain never fucked Jo Kwon.  Knowing her, she probably tried to get him to rape her and he reacted like Louis CK.  Also I’m not even sure if Gain is still fucking Jo Jihoon, he might have gotten tired of re-enacting The Human Centipede with her, or maybe he just decided to bang someone normal on the side, I’m not sure.

일급비밀 경하는 너무 빼박이라 함

You’re a cunt.

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Nobody cares.

That’s all for this post!  Do you have any articles that nobody else in k-pop dares to cover, that could use the eagle eye of the Kpopalypse Language Interpretation Team Of Ridiculously Important Scandals?  If so, get in touch!