Show me someone downvoting my lists and comments because of “offensive material” or “objectification” and I’ll show you someone with their own private k-idol fap folder who jacks it to their faves in private while virtue-signalling and concern-trolling in public. My website data collection always proves this beyond a doubt, and so do my anonymous questioneers:
I know what you want. Here it is. Let’s get to it.
10. Laysha ft. Nassun – Chocolate Cream
“Chocolate Cream” probably has some of the most memorable ass-jiggling in all of k-pop music video-making, and I’m pretty sure that Nassun only agreed to guest on this crappy song on the condition that he was able to be directly involved in the derriere flesh viscosity experiment that occurs at 0:22. Importantly, the girl keeps her ass fairly still while the guy slaps it – this is a valuable fap enhancer. When girls twerk it’s confusing to the eye, and slapping a butt in this context makes no sense as there’s so much movement anyway. A nice slap on a relatively stationary ass is better because there’s a greater difference between “ass before slap” and “ass during/after slap”, there’s a more solid impression of where the vibration begins and ends. Art is beautiful because it exists within a selective confined space – if the whole world looked like Van Gogh, Van Gogh would cease to be notable. Not that this is completely visually pleasing – the clothes in particular all look fucking stupid but the girls are popping out of them to the extent where the clothes don’t really make difference anyway. It’s enough to make you want to toss a zebra.
9. Wanna.B – Why?
A while back I was talking to a guy I know in the punk scene about what was sexier – fake boobs or natural boobs. I explained that I liked natural boobs more just to look at, and probably to feel as well, although I was unsure of this as I didn’t have any experience in touching fake boob. The guy replied that he liked fake boobs, because although even though they sometimes didn’t look or feel as good, he appreciated the effort of girls modifying their bodies to increase their sexiness, and that this indicated a better personality. “It’s like they’re willing to do that for people like ME, and I like that willingness to cater to my desires”, he said. I didn’t really fully appreciate this perspective until I got into k-pop, but now when I see a girl who looks like she has been through 25 applications of Luhan’s bone-enhancement cream like the girl in this video with the red hair and the cute chubby face that barely moves when she winks at 1:04, I can appreciate it more. All hail Bom 2.0.
8. Hyomin – Sketch
Forget about this video and what I think of it, let’s instead talk about the real question – why does the “normal” version of Hyomin’s “Sketch” has way more views than the One True Version (the “Sexy” version above)? What are the Hyomin fans not watching the correct version of this video doing with their lives? I think we need some kind of intervention to help these poor people. Maybe I can inspire them with this poster of Sailor Hyomin:
Or failing that, there’s always Sideboob Hyomin:
Let’s all hope together for a better world where the “sexy” version of “Sketch” has the most views, and where there is uncannily firm sideboob for all.
7. Puer Kim – Pearls
There’s a unnerving moment in “Pearls” from about 1:30 where I’m fairly sure Puer Kim’s hands come directly into contact with her boobs at some point. It’s a tense moment, because if Puer Kim ever does a “Dr Pepper move” it will surely be the greatest moment in k-pop history, as well as one of the most terrifying. First there will be the wave of heart attacks across Korea from fappers caught by surprise who pulled that one muscle too many. Then there’ll be the collective mass of several megalitres of sexual fluids from fappers being flushed into the sewerage system at approximately the same time, flooding infrastructure of major cities. After that will come the wave motion disturbance from Puer Kim’s rack shifting air particles of hitherto unexperienced volumes, leading to a butterfly effect of molecular disturbance that could result in chaotic events such as seismic ruptures, magnetic polar shift, and changes in the Earth’s rotation. People laughed at Puer Kim’s comically trussed-up tits in this video, but they should have been grateful – those boulders are constrained for your safety.
6. Stellar – Sting
It’s 100% Stellar’s haters’ fault that Stellar are still active, popular, and as sexy as ever, and Stellar themselves won’t let anyone forget it. Stellar’s video director has characterised their critics as either a bunch of hypocritically prying, prurient, rapey mouse pointers clicking where they’re not wanted, or annoying bugs aching for the ladies’ flesh until they get inevitably squished. The leering portrait of Clark Gable (a notorious cheater) underlines their true intent, and the rapid fire uncomfortable questions of the lyrics finish off the deal, making this conceptually as close to Whitehouse as any k-pop group has ever dared to come:
Judge as you wish, I am too tired
Your excuse and cheap lie
Your hesitating face
pretending not to know
Judas Kiss or What?
You say bullshit every time you open your mouth
Nobody hold you, soul-ri (i’m sorry)
You are beating around the bush
I don’t want to hear
Time goes strangely too slow
It troubles my mind
Does my word make you feel something?
Do you have a guilty conscience?
Are you tired of our relationship?
You can’t hide. You show always
Does my word make you feel something?
Do you have a guilty conscience?
Are you trying to break my heart?
Your awkward smile
This is a song designed for self-hating Internet critics to secretly flagellate themselves to. The people who get on their high horse about Sulli and Rotta as if their moral questions have any currency in the real world, while simultaneously consuming product from an entire industry based on exploitation of teenagers with deep roots in organised crime and prostitution, pretending that their interest is virtuous and “innocent”. Stellar are chipping away at k-pop’s biggest, most insidious lie, but importantly, without compromising on the fap value that allowed them this inertia in the first place.
5. Ailee ft. Yoonmirae – Home
I discussed the virtues of fapping to Ailee in my worst of 2016 list where this horrible Luhan-solo B-side style song also appears, however I probably should discuss it some more, seeing as how Ailee fap is a fairly rare topic with k-poppers. Some of Ailee’s clothing choices here are suboptimal but she does have the courtesy of trying out many different outfits so on average she does quite well here with plenty of curve on display. Also Ailee is definitely a bit thicker than the average k-pop star, she’s certainly gained some weight so this makes me feel compelled to fap even more to show my appreciation before she inevitably diets and loses it again. K-pop stars are always on such a weight yo-yo because of the incredible pressure of the industry to want them to be skinny, combined with the incredible pressure of fans who want them to thicken up – many of these poor starlets who are susceptible to these pressures don’t know what to do with themselves. Let’s all send Ailee high-carb fan presents to help her make the right decisions for her life.
4. Hong Jin Young – The Moon Represents My Heart
If there’s anything hotter than Hong Jin Young, it’s Hong Jin Young in a cardigan singing Chinese restaurant ballads. I also really like the fake-ass parts in the studio where she’s talking to the audio engineer, I feel like these parts of the video are very exploitable.
3. GAPP – Do You Know Hip-Hop?
People will naturally whine about sexism in response to this post (like they comically did last year) so here’s one for the ladies. As a heterosexual man with very little self-awareness and fucks to give in general, I don’t really have much insight into what women are attracted to, but I’d like to think that if I were a female who was into guys, I’d be into GAPP. He seems to have everything – the hot denim look, the cool moves, and even a gun which is probably very sexy and important for you American readers. The great dancing starts at a high level and just keeps getting better as this video progresses, culminating in an amazing pelvic thrust move which I am unable to describe fully with mere words, you will just have to watch it yourself. Just rest assured that any blurring on the screen isn’t a visual effect – it’s you, about to pass out from all this sexiness.
2. Hong Jin Young – Thumb Up
If there’s anything hotter than Hong Jin Young in a cardigan singing Chinese restaurant ballads, it’s Hong Jin Young in a tight sweater and pencil skirt bouncing around to some shitty trot song. I also really like the fake-ass bits in the classrooms or whatever, I feel like these parts of the video are very exploitable.
1. Apink – Cause You’re My Star
Fucking hell the Apink girls all look amazing here. Finally a Christmas comeback that actually has a (later) use. Can anyone beat Apink in the Kpopalypse most fappable list? Probably not until Apink disband, such is their monopoly over k-pop fapping. However our #2 entrant got very close. To explain how, let’s take a look at the following dramatisation:
KPOPALYPSE WHITE-COATER COMICS PRESENTS
THE SUPER-TRUE TRUFAXUAL STORY OF HONG JIN YOUNG VS APINK
THE STORY BEGINS IN HONG JIN YOUNG’S STUDIO…
LATER, IN A SCHOOL CLASSROOM NOT FAR AWAY…
THE STUDENTS OF FAP GET TO WORK. LATER THAT DAY…
THE NEXT DAY, ON THE SET OF HONG JIN YOUNG’S MUSIC VIDEO…
A FEW WEEKS LATER HONG JIN YOUNG LOOKS AT KPOPALYPSE’S LIST DRAFTS…