The Kpopalypse Awards 2016

The Kpopalypse Awards is back!  Are you tired of all the blah blah of regular Korean awards ceremonies?  Then read on to see who was given accolades by Kpopalypse for their outstanding work in 2016!

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THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2016

Nominees:

Jimin (AOA) – for not acknowledging war history enough

Tiffany (Girls’ Generation) – for acknowledging war history too much

Sulli (ex-f(x)) – for a near-endless stream of selca joy

Yoochun (JYJ) – for absolutely nothing at all, move along everyone it’s not like anything happened, man

and the winner is:

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SULLI

Jimin, Tiffany and Yoochun all had scandals that were quite severe, that followed the usual scandal pattern, of which we all know the drill by now:

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However chief caonima Sulli went one better than this basic template, because she found a way to reset it into an endless loop.  “What if I could do something where this cycle repeats and never reaches a conclusion that pleases anybody?  Would that not fuck with the maximum amount of people?  Would this not be entirely appropriate given that netizens are human garbage only fit for conversion into garden mulch?” she must have thought to herself.  So when netizens started reacting to her selcas with insipid fake concern about her supposedly being mentally ill despite her obviously being quite healthy and the selcas resembling every other stupid photo that everyone in the world posts on SNS every day, Sulli made sure to keep posting more and more of them.  She even candidly admitted that she’s riling people up for her own amusement.  Look at that gorgeous smile, she’s having a great time.


THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2016

Nominees:

Tzuyu (Twice) – for waving two nations’ flags at once, violating China’s “one dickhead” policy

Sulli (ex-f(x)) – for selca domination

CL (ex-2NE1) – for making religious people request others to NOT sing stupid boring songs about their religion for a nice change

Minzy (ex-2NE1) – for breaking up the baddest-meaning-goodest group in k-pop

and the winner is:

tzuyu

TZUYU

Lots of people in k-pop had scandals in 2016 that upset international netizens, but how many managed to piss off stupid people so much that the Taiwanese president started stanning her in defence?  Let’s hope that Tzuyu has a bright future ahead of her and a long career in giving international netizens the shits.


THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2016

Nominees:

Mobb (Mino & Bobby) – for exciting ultra-realistic gangster roleplay

Iron and Kidoh (ex-Toppdogg) – for exciting ultra-realistic gangster roleplay… oh wait, they weren’t roleplaying

CL (ex-2NE1) – for covering Wu-Tang Clan’s only shit song on their debut album and actually making it even worse

I.O.I – for covering Salt N Pepa’s worst song ever and actually marginally improving it

and the winner is:

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I.O.I

Take a good, long look and behold the new face of hardcore hip-hop.  Right now nothing anywhere globally goes harder than I.O.I – sure, their cover of Salt N Pepa’s “Whatta Man” was unmitigated garbage, but in a near-impossible feat of musical magic and genius it was still slightly better than the ultra-shitty original.  If I.O.I have the ability to actually improve on one of the worst rap songs of all time, surely they are the hip-hop legends that the world needs.


THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2016

Nominees:

Mobb (Mino & Bobby) – for embracing the language of black American culture

Seventeen – for embracing the language of black American culture

Hwasa (Mamamoo) – for embracing the language of black American culture

Shannon Williams – for embracing the language of black American culture

and the winner is:

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SHANNON WILLIAMS

All the other naughty people in the list said “nigger” like the bunch of dirty racists they are, I bet they also prance around in KKK gear in the practice room and refuse to download interracial porn in their dorms while thinking up ways to rid the planet of black people.  Shannon being far more culturally sensitive than those other knuckle-scraping philistines used the academically correct “negro” in public instead, because she’s very smart and educated.  In a double-whammy of political correctness, she even used the current academically correct term when describing spasticated retarded fucking fruitloops, “special needs“.  This makes her a better, more sensitive person than you, now we’ve just got to stop her from singing along to Beyonce completely and she’ll be perfect.


THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FANGIRL CRITICAL THINKING 2016

Nominees:

Sulli (ex f(x)) – for roleplaying an insane person by posting the same stupid selcas your friends do

Jimin (AOA) – for being too hot, fresh and fly to remember her boring high school history lessons

Yoochun (JYJ) – hey why is he even listed here he didn’t even do anything, okay?

CL (ex-2NE1) – for using bits of the Koran in her songs because they sound better than anything YG’s songwriters have written in the past 4 years

and the winner is:

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JIMIN

K-pop fans everywhere all got upset about Jimin’s skillset not including such random things as “famous Korean person whack-a-mole” or “pin the tail on the independence leader”.  Sorry but Jimin is a music industry professional and is too busy being hot, fresh and fly to participate in your games.  As an Australian, I know who dickhead historical figures like Captain Cook and Matthew Flinders are, but don’t ask me to recognise the pieces of shit in a photograph or drawing.  I probably couldn’t tell you what Malcolm Turnbull looks like either, most of these people in politics have a face as memorable as a Fly To The Sky song.  The only reason why I recognised Tony Abbott is because of his striking resemblance to Gollum.


THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2016

Nominees:

Block Bfor being raped

Infinitefor being raped

B1A4for being raped

Gainfor not being raped

and the winner is:

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GAIN

Gain broke incredible new ground for her personal career in 2016 by releasing a music video where not only is she not raped, there is not even any suggestion of rape at any stage.  Sure, her overused blush makes it look like she’s been dating Kim Hyun Joong, but I’m pretty sure that’s consensual and she’s just into that.


THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2016 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF

Nominees:

I.O.I – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Gugudan – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

I.B.I – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Momoland – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

and the winner is:

gugu

GUGUDAN

All the other debut controversies in 2016, although all complete bullshit nobody cares about, still actually had a very slim basis in something tangible, but Gugudan’s controversy purely boiled down to them “copying other groups“.  When k-pop groups are becoming controversial for following their own tried-and-tested format and taking no particular chances, you know that k-pop fan stupidity has reached a nadir.  This is the equivalent of a heavy metal band being considered controversial because some of the members have long hair.


THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2016 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS

Nominees:

Tao (ex-EXO) – fighting with SM for cash, and winning

Hyuna (ex-4Minute)signing with Cube as a solo artist for the dollars while the rest of her group panhandles

G.na – supplementing her idol income with the world’s oldest profession

Beastleaving their label so they can actually get paid one day

and the winner is:

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G.NA

Prostitution is a handy go-to occupation for many people who want to make a lot of money in as short a time as possible, such as people deeply embedded in organised crime who need to pay off debts fast, and k-pop stars… oh wait, that’s the same thing.  Anyway, in recognition of this achievement Kpopalypse supports G.na and so should you!


THE KPOPALYPSE “IN MY EYES, EVERYTHING IS SEXY” MOST BUTTHURT-INDUCING “SEXY” VIDEO OF 2016

Nominees:

Hyuna – for being Hyuna

Stellar – for being Stellar

Hyosung – for being Hyosung

Hyomin – for being Hyomin

and the winner is:

stellar

STELLAR

People got variously upset about all the performers in this list and their raunchy videos, but only Stellar had a video concept that had their response prepared in advance, specifically incriminating nosey, scandal-obsessed hypocritically virtue-signalling viewers as the catalyst for their antics.


That’s all for this post!  Kpopalypse will return soon with the first roundup of 2016 and the top 10 most fappable MVs!

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6 thoughts on “The Kpopalypse Awards 2016

  1. It’s strange that having sex with someone for a few drinks is okay, but (allegedly) doing it for many thousands of dollars is unacceptable.

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