Last year I made a post predicting events in k-pop over the course of 2016. It’s time for Kpopalypse to revisit this post to see how right/wrong I was, and also to predict what’s going to happen in k-pop in 2017!
If there’s one word that defined 2016 as a year it was certainly “unpredictable”. So, how well did Kpopalypse’s super Boram ESP powers do?
RESULTS OF 2016 PREDICTIONS
Apink will begin their transition to a “more mature image” – INCORRECT. K-pop’s creepiest dog-whistle team are still fucking around in pedo-friendly baby-doll dresses and shit.
IU keeps on chooglin’ – CORRECT. IU activities since this prediction was made include:
- hosting for SBS
- performing her hit songs for SBS
- commercial film work
- endorsements up the ass as usual
- being cast in a drama
- being cast in a feature film
- making fap calendars
IU’s brand has remained all-powerful and shows no sign of slowing down. So much for her “controversy” having any impact, in a post T-ara scandal world netizens now need to realise that their power is gone forever.
AOA replace Sistar as the group that more Korean men fap to, more of the time. CORRECT. Browse the archives of Reddit/kpopfap and count the amount of AOA threads vs Sistar threads.
Mamamoo replace Sistar as the Korean pop group that people endlessly bang on and on about the “talents” of, regardless of their musical quality or lack thereof. CORRECT. You don’t even need me to provide a link to prove this one, such is the fever pitch of annoying Mamamoo fans crowing about how their faves are the most talented ever at every opportunity.
Yolosweg for all – CORRECT. We got yolo fucking bullshit music not just from the usual suspects like CL, Hyuna and Jay Park but also from places as unlikely as miss A’s Jia, proving that peak sweg has truly been reached. The good news is that at least we’re already at the maximum so it can’t increase from here.
f(x) finally get that fucking fandom name – CORRECT. And I was also correct about it being a shitty name that everyone complained about. ME U? Bet you wish they never bothered.
Korean netizens officially recognised as worthless human garbage by the Korean government – UNCONFIRMED. I don’t think the Korean government realises much of anything right now, but who can tell.
Classy-sexy concepts come back – CORRECT. Mamamoo came back with a video that was so classy-sexy (in the Kpopalypse meaning of the term, which is the only true meaning) that it actually needed to be edited to appease the lame international fans that k-pop usually doesn’t even give a shit about. And that’s not even counting the classy-sexiness that happened in k-pop in cold harsh reality outside the harmless fantasy world of music videos.
Crayon Pop continue to not have another BarBarBar – CORRECT. Nobody cared about DooDoomChit apart from Crayon Pop’s existing fans who stuck with them through the post-BarBarBar slump, plus anyone in debt to Way’s Girls who probably bought ten copies out of fear.
Way’s Girls takes a hit as operatives get caught – CORRECT. Music video director, friend of Korean president Park Geun Hye and secret Way’s Girls operative Cha Eun Taek got caught for just about every fucking thing you can imagine, proving that the Crayon Pop crime empire extends right to the top of Korea’s political sphere.
Puer Kim gets the girls out – CORRECT. In 2016 Puer Kim boosted her pearly volume like never before.
K-pop agencies and promoters will continue to fuck up tours left and right – CORRECT. Just making a tour happen at all proved impossible for many as US visa restrictions continued to bite.
15&’s Park Jimin finds out about Kpopalypse’s lust for her, and freaks the fuck out – CORRECT. Park Jimin privated her Instagram on 29/12/2015 to prevent Kpopalypse from fapping to her pictures. She then tweeted that she had this whole Internet thing “under control”.
Plagiarism keeps being a huge obsession for k-pop following morons, but nobody in the industry cares, and nobody gets sued successfully – CORRECT. Gfriend were accused of plagiarism and the accusers were shut down hilariously.
Eat Your Kimchi finally agrees to do Kpopalypse Interview – INCORRECT. Simon and Martina became so disgusted with k-pop fans in general telling them how to run their shit that they fucked off to Japan instead… with all of their money, lol. Kpopalypse is still cool with it though because Martina’s boobs look pretty good in a kimono.
Asian Junkie is outed as a Raina fapper – CORRECT.
An Anti Kpop-Fangirl author gets pegged – PENDING. However the most likely future peggee seems to be Anti Kpop-Fangirl himself who has a new cute girlfriend who may be eager to take the relationship to the next level. Watch this space!
Qri still doesn’t care – CORRECT.
She’s even adjusting her microdot in public these days. Does Qri look like she gives any fucks to you?
As usual I got almost everything right, wow! My super Boram ESP powers have come through for me yet again! Now let’s put them to the test once more with some…
Yolo in k-pop decreases gradually – unfortunately it gets replaced with some other horrible bullshit.
A k-pop star gets AIDS – you might not hear about it in this coming year, but it will happen behind the scenes. Like everything else in k-pop, it’ll get closeted up until they just can’t get away with hiding it anymore.
Every other shit group from 15 years ago that you wish would fuck off has a disgusting money-grubbing reunion – get the valium ready.
Sulli stays happy – forget all the concern-trolling and confirmation bias going on every time she posts a new photo, Sulli is doing just fine. She has been very obviously happy as shit ever since she left f(x), and she will only get happier as she spends even more time doing what she wants and even less time caring what you think. She might also finally marry Choiza.
After School come back – no, really! It’ll totally happen soon. Honest! Okay, I’m not fooling any of you, am I. After School are fucked now, Lizzy has taken to talking about them in the past tense so that should tell you something. It’s over, kids.
T-ara release “Absolute Second Album” – except it might not be called that. But expect a full-length from T-ara. Eventually.
Allkpop goes bankrupt – putting it here in the hope that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe I can use my super Boram powers for good. Do your part by not visiting or linking the site, ever, for any reason, not even to criticise it. How many times do they have to take a shit in your mouth before you stop eating it?
DIA, Gfriend and Mamamoo all get dragged into some stupid shit – netizens will do their usual “grab one thing out of context and attempt to crucify the group” business. All three groups will have their popularity outside of Korea increase as a result.
More lovely readers grateful that Kpopalypse doesn’t have ads decide to donate to Kpopalypse’s Patreon – sorry just testing out those powers again.
The stupid MR Removed fad gradually starts dying out – no really, if I use these super Boram powers enough they will grow stronger and I can change the future of k-pop.
One of k-pop’s “adult dance” nugu groups gets popular – you know the groups I mean. Bambino, Pocket Girls, PPL, Dimepiece, etc. One of them will suddenly blow up big – but only temporarily.
An agency debuts a k-pop girl group where no member has had surgery – as a reaction to netizen complaints, an agency tries this bold move. It of course backfires as the same netizens who complain about other idols getting plastic surgery all swiftly bully the new group into getting nose-jobs and double-eyelids.
Beast blow the lid off of some crazy dirt that went down at Cube – wait for it.
Another really fucked tragic accident happens – because nothing has really changed in k-pop in terms of how managers look after their artists. The same market conditions and behind-the-scenes practices exist which makes more tragedy a certainty.
Asian Junkie and Anti Kpop-Fangirl have sexy online feuds – I’m personally really looking forward to seeing these two k-pop blogging titans step into the ring in 2017 and face off about all sorts of fun topics.
K-pop fans continue to be insufferable vocalfaggots – the pointless obsession with vocal technqiue in a genre where 100% of artists have an electronically-created voice continues to thrive, baffling all rational people who encounter it.
Kpopalypse continues to annoy the fuck out of everyone in 2017 – you can count on it.
That’s it for Kpopalypse predictions for the next 12 months – we’ll see what the future holds! In the meantime, there will be more Kpopalypse posts, so expect them fondly!