It’s time again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
SPECIAL GUEST REVIEWER: BETSY
Sometimes Kpopalypse blog needs the kind of searing insight that only a female blogger well-endowed with extreme writing talents who is harassed constantly by Asian Junkie to write about baseball can provide. Guest writer Betsy has therefore returned to co-write reviews on Kpopalypse roundup! If you’d like to reach Betsy you can do so through Twitter or Curious Cat, but she’s probably not going to consent to your sick, crazy demands so why not instead just read the below reviews and cry yourself into a deep depression because you will never be this cool?
SHINee – Tell Me What To Do
KPOPALYPSE: I was about to write “how about you fuck off” but the song’s not too bad, SHINee have done worse.
BETSY: Seems a lovely filler song. Like, anyone from SM could do this song? Quite surprised it wasn’t a Station song. Maybe next time leave Minho’s rap out.
Snuper – It’s Raining
KPOPALYPSE: The chorus might bother people who only ever listen to singing and don’t have the ability to perceive harmonic movement behind a static melody, but that’s their problem.
BETSY: My first thought was “what the flying fuck is this shit”, but now it’s love. Anyway, who doesn’t like a good neck rub?
VIXX – Milky Way
KPOPALYPSE: Check out this video for a fascinating close-up look at the Zerg in their natural habitat.
BETSY: Probably my favourite release from them this year, ironic because the video looked it had no effort.
Up10tion – White Knight
KPOPALYPSE: Too many vocals, just like all of these songs, but there’s an acceptable tune hidden in here somewhere struggling to get out.
BETSY: Wooshin is gonna steal all the hearts of young women. They be could be greatest thing to happen to Teen Top’s company (I dunno the name), but seriously.
Hyunjin – Around You
KPOPALYPSE: My cat just got fucking plagiarised for this video.
BETSY: Easily one of my favourites. I am so hyped this girl group. SM Station could never!!
Heejin & Hyunjin – I’ll Be There
KPOPALYPSE: Imagine the video editor having to cut and recut the backyard scenes over and over because some ugly prick kept staring out the windows.
BETSY: I was low-key worried this future girl group wouldn’t be able to dance, considering giving me IU/Lim Kim and mild Marina and the Diamonds vibes (Heejin’s song), but I was pleasantly surprised. Like I said before, I’m hyped for these girls.
KNK – U
KPOPALYPSE: Apparently KNK shelved their original video for this song because it was too shit, someone should have told them it was the song that was the problem.
BETSY: I love them forever. I would hold hands with Youjin for many many hours.
No Brain – You’re My Everything
KPOPALYPSE: This is only about average by global punk rock standards, which means it’s in about the top 1% of Korean punk, because Koreans are shit at this.
BETSY: Needs more punk.
Jia – Drip
KPOPALYPSE: The best part of this song is the very last note where it sounds like game over in a retro computer game, because it makes me feel like perhaps this whole song was a simulation and didn’t really happen.
BETSY: She should have been the dancer in miss A, she could’ve made the group 100% more interesting in recent years. The song just seems like your typical Tao-yolosweg – so I guess she’s starting off well. Better than Fei’s solo efforts, that’s for sure.
KittiB – Nobody’s Perfect
KPOPALYPSE: Look at all the makeup they have to apply to KittiB’s face so it has a chance of competing with her tits.
BETSY: Prettily boring? Can that even be a thing, well it is now.
JJCC – Freedom
KPOPALYPSE: If you want a chorus that really actually is a complete fail, here you go. Just wait for it.
BETSY: Whomever allowed this to happen should be fired quickly and quietly.
SG Wannabe – I’m Missing You
KPOPALYPSE: One of the shittest ballads groups ever makes a comeback and it’s as bad as you’re expecting. How does this have so few downvotes on YouTube? Oh that’s right k-pop is a kindergarten full of losers with special needs, how could I forget.
BETSY: I felt nothing for this song or video, I’ve watched too many dramas for a lifetime to be remotely fazed by this. *checks for scandals* At least Lee Seok Hun is cute. (not the guy in the video)
Chancellor ft. Dok2 – Murda
KPOPALYPSE: Is the upside-down cross an accident or are these guys really Deicide-loving satanists? Probably an accident, because the devil always has the best tunes and this isn’t one of them.
BETSY: This is shot incredibly well, and the song is a chill as fuck UNTIL DOK2 COMES IN AND RUINS IT. Ugh.
Joosuc ft. Sanchez – I Know
KPOPALYPSE: It’s got a lot going against it: beaches and hummers and hard Autotune and stupid raps and even a shitty trap breakdown, but the backings get it over the line.
BETSY: We get it, you like drones. The song is whatever.
Cando ft. Louise of Geeks – Good Night
KPOPALYPSE: More of those great synth pads at the start and far less of every single other element would have made this song a lot better. Should have just made it a keyboard instrumental.
BETSY: I would recommend listening to this before sleeping.
Kebee – Ya
KPOPALYPSE: Someone linked me to Pauline Hanson’s twitter account while I was listening to this and it kind of fit perfectly, which was scary.
BETSY: I don’t like what he is wearing, but other than that the overall product is decent.
Voisper – Learn To Love
KPOPALYPSE: Why not learn to not be shit first.
BETSY: I just want them to stop. They scare me. I literally can’t listen to the whole song.
Ashmute – Heaven
KPOPALYPSE: Another song that would sound way better without any singing at all.
BETSY: Holy shit, this is my aesthetic. I may have to do a longer review for a certain overlord. Holy fuck balls.
Vibe – A Lonely Guy
KPOPALYPSE: Where’s a motorcyclist riding illegally on the footpath when you really need one.
BETSY: 10 seconds in, I stopped. I don’t really care if you’re a lonely guy.
Sugardonut – Piece Of Yellow
KPOPALYPSE: At least it has some distortion, but that’s kind of counterbalanced by the most boring video ever.
BETSY: This type of song/possibly their album would be in the background whilst I clean my apartment. It reminds me of being 16 – that can be a good and bad thing.
Jungigo ft. Paloalto – Hew Bae
KPOPALYPSE: I though they were showing the video through a TV in someone’s lounge room so some could drunkely stagger into it and break the thing halfway through, now that would have been more fun than this song.
Car, The Garden – Gimme Love
KPOPALYPSE: This week’s Rhodes entry is slightly faster-paced than most of them but not any less boring.
BETSY: Another video that’s up my alley for aesthetics. Song isn’t that amazing, but something I would happily listen to whilst painting or editing.
Take – Lost
KPOPALYPSE: Her reaction to hearing this bullshit song is exactly the same as mine.
BETSY: I fucking hate watching people cry because it makes me cry, and I hate crying. First 5 seconds of the song sounds like every other Korean ballad.
Tei – Only You Only You Only You
KPOPALYPSE: Anime, like k-pop ballads, is only good for porn. Any time someone tries to tell a story with either, it’s a gigantic fail.
Park Won – Try
KPOPALYPSE: Notice how this song is called “try”, not “succeed”.
BETSY: Another whatever song, and he has an ugly af neck tattoo. I hate Jay Park for making ugly neck tattoos a thing. If you’re gonna have a neck tattoo or hand tattoos, please choose something nicer.
Oddity – Next Dimension
KPOPALYPSE: Horrid It G Ma clones always go for that same shitty washed-out green and purple colour scheme in the video. This is good because as soon as you see those colours it saves you time wondering how the song is going to turn out.
BETSY: I think the whole point of glitch art/collage art/clip art or “vaper wave” is not have a shit trap song with it. Keith Ape has a lot of explaining to do. The song doesn’t even amount to anything.
Wings Of The Isang – Lost
KPOPALYPSE: Some songs are just too fucking long.
BETSY: Not today, Satan. I’m pretty sure we’ve all go down this super emo 16 year old music project road. Even the band name, jesus christ.
Choyoung – Mmm
KPOPALYPSE: Whoever programmed this wasn’t sure whether to use swing or sixteenth-beat quantisation for the backing track, so they used both at once. The result is one of the most awkward non-smooth “smooth” songs in k-pop.
BETSY: I know there’s gonna be a lot of people who would like this, but this isn’t my cuppa. Her voice is easily cable for an EDM/garage song.
FINAL THOUGHTS FROM BETSY
In my K-pop stan heart, Hyunjin and KNK are definite standouts this week. Pleasant surprises are Ashmute and Car, The Garden. Now I want to shove my head into the sand. How on earth do you have the patience to do this every week.
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup will return next week!