It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup – let’s check out this week’s new releases!
T-ara – Tiamo
There are unopened Christmas presents in the background in some scenes. That makes “Tiamo” k-pop’s first Christmas song for 2016 and therefore it and all other Christmas songs that come to my attention as feature tracks between now and when Santa sticks his dick in a reindeer’s anus will be reviewed in the upcoming 2016 Christmas list instead of here. This list will be published on December 25th or thereabouts, in the meantime enjoy asking me again and again what I think of “Tiamo” and not getting a response, lolz.
Imfact – Feel So Good
Up until 0:16 it sounded like it was building into something cool, and then… oh dear.
Toppdogg – Rainy Day
Why do they have the group’s name 50 metres down the alleyway where you barely even notice it’s there?
Hyolyn – Paradise
Enough with the fast buildup to half-time choruses with boring sax riffs in them already. At least Jay Park isn’t on this one.
MOMOLAND – JJan! Koong! Kwang!
Like a few people I thought this had something to do with Twice’s Momo so I ignored it. Then I realised it was an actual song by an unrelated group so I listened to it, only to realise that I made the right decision the first time around.
BOYS24 – E
I don’t know if you’ve been following the male version of Produce 101 but I sure haven’t.
Victon – I’m Fine
So much music from boy groups lately seems to be either yolo or Rhodes. There are other flavours, guys!
Bolbbalgan4 – Hard To Love
It’s hard to love this song when there are so many like it in Korea right now, even if it is one of the slightly better ones.
Astro – Confession
This video is fantastic because it features a crushingly realistic depiction of the life of a k-pop fan-art maker.
Bizniz ft Basick & Microdot – Dead Great Names Society
Flute is one of those instruments that was useless until sampling and loops were invented. Who wants to hear a flute that isn’t on a rap track, besides Jethro Tull fans?
Kim Hyoeun – Picture Me Rolling
Damn I had my “actually I can’t picture that” response all prepared and then the backings turned out to be decent.
Hyun Jin Joo – Break The Mirror
Those ultra-long dissolves are really annoying, because Hyun Jin Joo seems quite attractive but I can’t see her because Hyun Jin Joo is in the way.
Sunday and Kim Taehyun – Still
Nobody cares about CSJH The Grace.
Jiyoon – Magnet
Nobody cares about 4Minute members called “Yoon” either but this isn’t bad. Pity nobody will listen to it because it isn’t Hyuna.
Jiyoon – I Do
This other song can go and get fucked though. When she walks tentatively into the ocean I just want to push her right in there.
D.I.P – Fizz
It breaks my heart when I actually can tell how much money was poured into a video for some nugu group but it still looks “cheap” anyway.
Kyuhyun – Blah Blah
A Korean ballad like every other. At least they got the title right.
Kyuhyun – Still
And this one’s almost exactly the same! Fuck, come on SM mix it up a little for the poor guy. Make him do “Hammer Smashed Face” or something, I would pay to hear that.
J’kyun ft. Ken – Ponytail
The “Rappers Delight” style beat is okay but the R&B chorus plopped over the top just ruins any fun that could be had.
Kris Wu – July
Another boring yoloish song that hardly even has any beat. Remember when pop music had upbeat rhythms? T-ara’s “ballad” is faster tempo than this.
BLVN – All I Want
It’s almost semi-okay, at least it starts off alright before 57 layers of Nickelback ruin it.
Eyedi – Not Lonely
Holding a decoration light up to your face while you sing makes you look like a bitch.
Min Chae – Day
More boring shit, some lame wah-wah guitar isn’t enough to save this.
Phonebooth – Home
Primary should sue them over those cardboard box heads.
Yu Seung Woo & Yoo Yeon Jung – I’ll Be On Your Side
Wow I just wasted 10 seconds of my life writing this review. If there’s a god, when I die I’m demanding this time back.
We Hate JH – Divert
Sounds like every shit group that ever lived in Melbourne (or wanted to live in Melbourne) during the 90s. I think I hate JH too, if he’s responsible for writing this.
Jvcki Wai ft. PNSB – Exposure
Don’t worry girl, exposure isn’t likely to happen to you.
Rude Paper – Blue
This is the shitty weed-smoking life-wasting Bob Marley type reggae and not the cool reggae that people actually like.
That’s it for this week’s Kpopalypse roundup – more next week!