It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s take a look at this week’s new releases!

EXO-CBX – Hey Mama

Funk influences are really ruining a lot of k-pop songs with potential lately.

Kei & The Solutions – Beautiful

Kpopalypse nugu alerters The Solutions borrow not only Kei but also her group’s core synth-heavy sound.  Lots of flouncing around with “real” instruments here but in the actual audio mix they’re a distant shadow.  Probably just as well.

VIXX – The Closer

The war medals on their chest are all bravery awards for putting up with their songwriter’s R&B crooners.

Hyolyn ft. Dok2 – Love Like This

This is what I was talking about in the last QRIMOLE about duets.  I bet Hyolyn probably couldn’t even pick Dok2 out of a police lineup.

Miryo & Giantpink – Rock, Scissors, Paper

I expected the worst but this clone of GD&TOP’s “Knock Out” is surprisingly okayish and it’s nice to see Miryo wearing clothes again.

Block B Bastarz – Make It Rain

Seemingly aiming for a similar feel to the debut Bastarz song with the big brass riff but this one’s nowhere near as good.

Block B Bastarz – Selfish & Beautiful Girl

A young girl with expensive sleeve tattoos jumping around to k-pop on a widescreen TV in an inner-city apartment, none of which she can afford – this is why I never will have kids.  They’ll be having all the fun and I’ll be the one paying for it.

Hyungdon & Daejune – Sexy Side

K-pop parodies are all unfunny and redundant because k-pop is so comically exaggerated and hyper-real in the first place that when someone does a parody who can even fucking tell the difference.

N.CA – Next Station

I’ve probably been reading too many of my own fanfictions, but this looks like a porn casting reel to me, probably due to the singer’s chubby face resembling a Korean Cody Lane (a pretty NSFW Google search, but if you’re reading this at work you clearly want to be sacked anyway).  I keep expecting her to collapse after drinking that soju and wake up in a basement chained to a lime-green couch with transparent plastic over it next to three guys wearing chicken masks and speedos.

Yoon Do Hyun, Reddy, G2, Inlayer & Johnny – Nightmare

Prog rockers Inlayer try their hand at an actual song this time, where everyone is credited except that girl who dances at the start who looks like she weighs about as much as IU’s salad.

BONUS SONGS

Lay – Lose Control

Focuses mainly on the dancing and SM’s gorgeous box design, which is wise as there’s not much else of note here.

Crucial Star ft. Kim Na Young – Fall

Some k-pop videos you can tell are going to be shit just from looking at the thumbnail.

Sung Si Kyung & Jung Yumi – Andromeda

If someone could shoot this one over to Andromeda that’d be good.

Jay Park – Me Like Yuh

Imagine going up to some girl and saying “me like yuh”.  That’s a homeless-grade pickup line right there.  Mind you Jay Park probably is that desperate.

Jay Park & 1Million ft. Hoody, Loco – All I Wanna Do

When I watch Jay Park videos I sometimes briefly forget that there’s a whole different strata of society that is out there that considers this acceptable music.  I wonder if I’ll ever meet any of these people.

Band11 – Take The Memories

Warning sign: acoustic guitars + office shirts.

Flat Feet – Office Romance

Exhibit B.

Astronuts – Astronomy

Korean rock music is boring conservatism all the way.  You can see why their pop music exploded and their rock music didn’t.

Na Aram – Chill Hea

sorry cbf release something worth caring about this ones not even worth proper punctuation

Paloalto – Victories

What victories?  Not this song, obviously.

Grace – Trick Or Treat

You’d think that the entire political system of Korea being flushed down the toilet faster than jelly snacks during a police raid at YG would be enough for netizens to redirect their priorities from bitching about idols having fun doing harmless things that hurt nobody onto issues that are actually important, but no.  The latest hot topic for Korea’s legions of computer-savvy fucktards is complaining that people are celebrating Halloween like it’s some great affront to the country, which is ironic as the stupidity of the netizen hive-mind is far scarier and more damaging to their country’s psyche and reputation than any Halloween costume could ever be.  At least Grace doesn’t give a fuck so caonima points for her.  Just like T-ara’s “Jeon Won Diary“, the song is shit but I’m morally obliged to support it anyway because lyrically it’s the right song at the right fucking time.

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That’s all for this week – more new songs next week!