With the emergence of YG’s new girl group Blackpink who in true YG fashion have debuted a cool, casual 32 months behind schedule, curious caonimas now wish to know what I think of their fandom.
However, I wasn’t sure that answering this question was a good idea. Kpopalypse blog has always been about teaching k-pop fans to think for themselves rather just go along what what’s trendy or accept what some dickhead on the Internet spoonfeeds them, even if that dickhead is me. So rather than just answer these questions simply, I thought – why not give readers the tools to determine by themselves exactly how insane any given k-pop fandom is? Enter the Kpopalypse Fandom Insanity Scale!
Step 1: I’ve devised a series of sixteen questions, that will determine exactly how insane your fandom of choice is! Please do your best to answer them honestly and candidly!
Does your fandom have a colour?
- A – Yes
- B – Yes, and other groups should try to pick a different colour
- C – Yes and other groups should try to pick a different colour or we will send toilet paper
Does your fandom have a special lightstick?
- A – Yes
- B – Yes, isn’t it pretty, you’d better appreciate it asshole
- C – Yes and IF YOU PLAGIARISE IT I WILL STAB YOU
What does your fandom chant sound like?
- A – Rhythmic chanting
- B – Extremely fucking loud rhythmic chanting
- C – The territorial screaming of long-extinct creatures
4. FANDOM NAME
What is your fandom name?
- A – Something really stupid
- B – Something really good, stfu haters
- C – OMG WHY DON’T WE HAVE A FANDOM NAME YET WHY ARE YOU NEGLECTING US ISN’T IT ENOUGH THAT YOU HAVE OUR MONEY WHY DO YOU ALSO HAVE TO BREAK OUR HEARTS
How does your fandom behave at fanmeets?
- A – polite and respectful
- B – slavering and Zerglike
- C – attention-whoring nutcases with daddy issues
6. FANDOM RELATIONS
How does your fandom feel about other k-pop fandoms?
- A – we love them because we’re united by k-pop
- B – we’re obviously better than them but it’s okay, we stay out of each others’ way
- C – LETS GO GET EM, TEAM
7. SONG QUALITY
What is your fandom’s opinion about their chosen idol’s songs?
- A – the good stuff is great but there’s also some meh songs that I don’t care for
- B – I like everything my idol does
- C – clearly my idol’s songs are superior to all others and if you don’t care about them all you are objectively wrong
8. VOICE QUALITY
What is your fandom’s general opinion about their chosen idol’s vocals?
- A – honestly I couldn’t pick my idol in a blind listening test, and besides, don’t they all use Autotune anyway?
- B – my faves are obviously the most vocally talented
- C – I’m going to start my own vocal pedagogy ranking/thread/forum/website/shrine to prove to you all that MY bias is best (no links provided because let’s not encourage this cancer)
9. AGENCY MATTERS
How does your fandom feel about their idols’ agency?
- A – who cares what company they’re with, I just hope the idols get to make money and have a sleep-in occasionally
- B – my idols are with the BEST agency and if you don’t like them you are a dirty hater
- C – I love my idols but their agency needs to listen to the fans more because us fans know more about how to run an agency than managers who have years of experience in artist management and nuanced knowledge of the inside business world that is completely hidden to us, WHY WON’T THEY LISTEN TO US
10. INTERNET CONDUCT
How does your fandom’s community leaders behave on the Internet?
- A – pleasant and nice
- B – psychotic and controlling – to their community
- C – psychotic and controlling – to their idols
11. SUSPECTED DATING
Your idol is seen with another idol of the opposite gender, could there be dating happening?
- A – who the fuck cares
- B – I’m sure something is going on but it’s not like I can stop it
- C – I’m sure something is going on and it’s not like I can stop it but GODDAMN I WILL TRY MY HARDEST FOR OPPA
12. ACTUAL DATING
How does your fandom respond to news of their idol dating?
- A – I’m happy for them
- B – I guess I’m a little heartbroken but tomorrow is another day
- C – I’m going to translate eight different sets of article comments about this breaking non-news so all the English speaking fans can see how that slut should have stayed away from oppa
13. GROUP TENSION
How does your fandom respond to news of inter-group tensions?
- A – slight disappointment but hey, shit happens
- B – denial followed by deep depression
- C – pick a side in the dispute and throw stones at the other side, despite having no insider knowledge of what really happened
14. JELLY SNACKS
Your idol is caught in a drug scandal! How does your fandom respond?
- A – oh well, it’s the music business *shrugs*
- B – my idol seemed so pure, I’m devastated
- C – drugs are harmless and besides he never did it before it was just this one time the press release said so and you can trust those
Your idol is caught emulating the men in Gain’s music videos – in real life! How does your fandom respond?
- A – Gosh that’s a bit messed up, I hope he didn’t do it
- B – I really believe he’s innocent, after all the court let him off and courts in Korea aren’t sexist or culturally biased in any way
- C – KEEP THE FAITH, ALWAYS
16. OH&S COMPLIANCE
Mysterious bruises start appearing on your idol’s significant other! What could be the most likely explanation?
- A – obviously, he beats the crap out of her
- B – they just train dance together really hard
- C – those bruises are clearly makeup, she’s after his moneyz!
Step 2: Count up all the answers that you gave, using the following system:
- for each answer A – allocate 1 point to your fandom
- for each answer B – allocate 2 points to your fandom
- for each answer C – allocate 3 points to your fandom
Step 3: Use the following guide to find out how batshit crazy your fandom is!
You’re such a sad, desperate psychotic fan that you’re willing to lie about your fandom’s virtues on a stupid Kpopalypse test just to feel better about yourself. Please answer the questions again, this time honestly.
Congratulations, your fandom is probably reasonably normal. If I were the supreme dictator of the planet, I may consider allowing your fandom to exist on some kind of limited basis with strict curfews.
Your fandom is potentially wasting oxygen that others could breathe. Consider leaving this group of crazies before you get sucked as deep down the rabbit-hole as they are.
How do you sleep at night, knowing that your fandom is this insane? Only with a body pillow of your idol, obviously. Seek professional medical attention.
Humanity didn’t crawl out of the caves just for you to be part of a contingent of dickheads like this. How must your parents feel? You haven’t stabbed them in a ritual sacrifice to oppa, have you?
How are you still even reading this far? Don’t you have people to stalk?
There is no hope for you, your fandom or humanity in general. It doesn’t matter what any of us say or do because we are all doomed. Might as well vote Trump 2016, fuck it.
Now you know exactly how crazy your fandom is! Sweet dreams and stay safe until next post!