It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
Nine Muses A – Lip 2 Lip
Ultra-lite ska-pop, fun times.
Up10tion – Tonight
They actually sing “shoobedoobop” here, but it’s not a doo-wop song so they’re wasting their time, and yours.
Monsta X – Stuck
From what I can tell from its usage in k-pop MV channels “special clip” means “this song has been out for a while but we only got around to doing a video for it now because we didn’t think you gave a fuck”. Definitely one of their better songs so I guess it’s by popular demand or something.
B.A.P – That’s My Jam
Like all those crappy recent SM songs that we all hate but half of us are in denial about how shit they are.
INX – Alright
Accurate song title #1 – this is alright.
Basick ft. G2, Hwasa – Nice
Accurate song title #2 – this is too fucking nice for its own good, like 99% of hip-hop these days.
Y Teen (Monsta X + WJSN (Cosmic Girls)) – Do Better
Accurate song title #3 -they could do better, surely.
Suran – Paradise Go
Another woman who has that Lim Kim “garling jizz and trying to sing at the same time” kind of voice doing some mediocre bollocks.
Unpretty Rapstar 3 – She’s Coming
Isn’t it cute how the narrative of the Unpretty Rapstar TV show is that it’s a “competition”, yet they all have to co-operate together for a whole day doing a video shoot? Kind of gives it away as the sham it is, don’t you think?
Brand New Music – Respect The Name
This one goes along nicely until they completely get rid of the beat at 3:50 and replace it with a bunch of firetruck noises for the rest of the song. Listen to the very end – San E even knows how awful he sounds.
GUEST REVIEW BY ASIAN JUNKIE
J-Mezz ft. The Quiett – Memento
The fuck is this?
OTHER BULLSHIT SONGS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT
Dusky80 – I’m Not Worried
The reason why in the 1930s Gypsy Jazz was always played fast is because if you played it slow, it sounded like this.
Jannabi – Summer
There’s actual kissing in this video which makes it pretty much porn by Korean standards. That’s the only reason why it’s here, really.
Code Kunst ft. BewhY, YDG, Suran – Beside Me
They look like they’re being tortured by their own crappy music.
Green Face – Do Re Mi Fa Sol Wind
Just when you think Korean ballads couldn’t get any more shit, here comes Jethro Tull.
Koh Nayoung – Bucket List
The term “bucket list” being derived from the expression “kick the bucket” a.k.a. “you’re fucking dead” rubs against this song’s bright feel in a way which is uncannily hilarious and surely unintentional.
In & Choo – Vacation
In & Choo have come a long way since their Nugu Alert feature… oh wait no they haven’t. Never mind.
Sugardonut – So What
It would be cool if the inclusion of bass, drums and guitar actually synchronised with the guys sitting on the benches, but I guess they decided in the end that it was too hard bothering with something like that for such a shitty song nobody will listen to anyway.
Pia ft. Nucksal, Deepflow – Kick Flip
Crappy groove-metal isn’t just for racist Americans with heroin addictions.
Jin Won & Lee Ji Ae – Play Hot And Cold
I love the YouTube commenter who asks “does anyone know any more songs similar to this style?” – answer – yeah, about 50% of all new k-pop songs by anyone lately.
K.shin – Overmind
…and the other 50% sound like this.
Benji ft. Heyne – Duet
…sorry, I meant like this. Yes, “Duet” is actually the name of the song, talk about running out of ideas (as if the music alone wasn’t proof enough of that).
Girls’ Generation – Sailing (0805)
… or maybe like this. So many flavours and they all taste like grey. You know a song from an A-list group is total shit when it doesn’t even make the playlist even despite the fact that I know you’re all interested in it.
Two girls from Lovelyz do some bullshit song
When people start talking about how they like a song and the only reason that they can give for liking it is the singer’s voice and talent, then that says a lot to me. It tells me straight away that the song must be fucking crap, because if the technique of the singer stands out to the point where it doesn’t occur to you to say anything at all about why you like the song itself (other than that you like it because of the singer, which is circular logic), then the song must not have been very engaging to become so easily overshadowed. The whole point of the singer is to strengthen the song to the best of his ability, not to create a bunch of stupid fawning over his/her own voice. It’s like buying a dress because the workmanship on the cross-stitching is really good and not even caring if the dress actually fits or looks any good on you when you put it on. But then there are actually people out there who buy toys and leave them in boxes and never open those boxes ever and there’s a big business in selling shit to those people so I guess if stupid people can be robbed and the money can be used for something useful it could be said that they do contribute to the greater good. Notice that I’ve left any specific reference to the singer or the song itself out of this write-up, that way I can just copy and paste it the next time some bullshit song exactly like this comes up for review, which will probably be pretty soon given that about 25 songs are released exactly like this each week in Korea.
That’s it for this week’s Kpopalypse roundup!