It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
BeatWin – Your Girl
Gavy NJ – Shubirubirub
Did you know that Gavy NJ is the longest-running girl group in k-pop? Well now you do, mind you there’s no original members left so I’m not sure if it counts. In fact I don’t even know who these girls even are. Fuck it, song’s okay I guess, plus they look good, what more do you want – just don’t tell them that it’s “shoobedoobedoo”.
Solbi – Get Back
Solbi’s obviously after Dara’s crown as k-pop’s queen of stupid hair.
D.Action – Millionaire
Actually this isn’t too horrible but I want him to do a song with D.Holic just for the puns.
Dynamic Duo, Primary, B.Bio, Crush – Highfive
The Korean hip-hop veterans are here to show all those nu-school trap assholes that they can yolo just as lamely as anyone.
Jiyeon & Junhyung ft. Yoon Yo – Summer Love
Essentially this is part 2 of that MBK project song from a year ago as it has a lot of the same melodies and textures. No video for this yet because life is cruel, but here’s a video of Jiyeon showing off her fighting skills, no doubt honed in the danger of the jelly arena.
Laysha ft. Nassun – Chocolate Cream
They could have left out that sax riff, as those are getting annoying these days, but the rest of this is actually pretty decent and I’m not just saying that because I want to look at the video because I’m all for putting pervert stuff in the bonus section where all the shit songs are for later use.
CHINESE BRACKET WHICH TAKES UP AN UNREASONABLY LARGE CHUNK OF EVERYTHING HERE JUST LIKE CHINA’S TERRITORIAL CLAIMS
ZTAO – Black White (AB)
Don’t worry kids – World War III totally isn’t going to happen. The US and China will just wave their floating metal penises at each other for a while and then both will go home happy that they’ve shown the other one that they mean business. Unless that shit’s still going on if/when Trump gets in, then all bets are off because he’s clearly nuts and capable of whatever. Or Hillary for that matter, she’s a warmongering cow with a track record of making stupid military and trade decisions. Oh wait, those are the only two choices the USA has? Okay, so we’re probably all fucked soon. Which means I’ve got nothing to lose by saying this song ain’t all that (although I’ll admit the piano that comes out of nowhere is pretty cool). China, come at me bro.
Zhou Mi – What’s Your Number?
The Chinese government probably already hates me for the cao ni ma thing anyway. But hey, if their warships have commanders who look as good as Jiyeon I guess I don’t mind surrendering, as long as they promise not to play me this Zhou Mi song in some kind of Guantanamoesque torture facility.
f(x) – All Mine
People are saying that this sucks and I agree but what the fuck the same people liked about “4 Walls” I dunno because they sound pretty similar to me. Maybe the novelty of f(x) doing this bullshit style of music has just worn off now.
Fei – Fantasy
My fantasy is for Min or Jia to have been given this concept instead. Can you imagine Min doing this with the curves she has now? It would be the best k-pop video ever, but instead we get Fei who looks like she donated 50% of her body weight to Project Luhan.
Kris – From Now On
From now on he’s going to release shitty ballads and generally suck, I guess.
OTHER SONGS I DIDN’T PLAY
Boni – It Was You
Just your typical bullshit cancer song. Keep scrolling, do not hit play, thank me later.
LaLaSweet – Garden Heart
Not sure of the translation here, it could actually be “Heart Garden”, or perhaps even “Garden Of Love“. I don’t think Bletch would have signed this group though.
MoonMoon – Roach
His guitar has no strings on it. If only! Mind you the song does get better about two and a half minutes in but that’s a long time to wait for a pop song to stop being shit.
Seoul Siblings – Breakfast Of Holidays
This is boring Bob Marley style reggae that everyone hates and has given the style the reputation as worthless hippie garbage, and not cool dub reggae. Pity.
Seoul Siblings – Seoul Real Eastate
Their other song is better, but not by much.
The Solutions – Ticket To The Moon
Wow, look how bored they seem when playing their own song. Who can blame them.
Yellow – Ainos
This band are so boring and shit that they named themselves after a Coldplay song so you know exactly what to expect. Thoughtfulness 10/10.
That’s all for another Kpopalypse roundup! More next week!