There’s two things that really stick out to me whenever I get the results of a Kpopalypse survey, and they are:
- A lot of you are in tertiary education
- A lot of you are struggling like fuck with tertiary education
Many caonimas seem like you could use the wisdom of an older wiser k-pop fan who has been through the “system”. Read on as Kpopalypse attempts to make your university life approximately 0.0582% more tolerable!
I currently hold a Bachelor of Music (Honours). It’s a completely useless qualification in terms of the music industry, however I didn’t go to university to get more qualified in music (I was already “qualified” just through experience in the business), I went to university because I thought it would be fun to go to university. I was right – music university was great! I cruised through everything easily and passed my course in the top 10% of graduates, with little effort or stress. Here’s how I led a successful and worry-free university lifestyle.
Do you want to really do something with your life other than fapping to the abs of some guy in SM’s new boy group and squealing like a bitch every time a new YouTube video is released? Do you also want to earn slightly more money than a crappy entry-level retail job? Yes? Then university might be for you! The best thing you can do before you embark on your chosen field of study is immerse yourself in it ahead of time. If you’re doing a music degree like I did, buy a music theory book and read it. If you’re doing some other wacky shit, find out about that topic. Being able to hit the ground running is valuable. Even if you’re doing a generic catch-all degree like a Bachelor of Arts (hereafter referred to as BoA, and also known in Australia as a “would you like fries with that”) where you have no way of really knowing exactly what they’re going to make you study, then at least read a few books and improve your literacy skills.
GETTING INTO UNIVERSITY
There’s three ways to get into university in most countries:
- Have good school grades
- Wait until you’re mature-age and sit a mature-age entrance exam
- Buy your way in
The third option is great if you’re loaded with cash. In 2016 stingy governments don’t want to invest money in educational institutions, because they figure that a stupid population is more likely to blindingly follow government policy without question than an educated population. The last thing most tyrannical governments want these days are smart young people who can think critically and independently, so the shadier and more corrupt a government is, the less they will fund education properly. Therefore most universities are in serious financial trouble and won’t say no to somebody who is willing to front up with some money for the chance to do a degree, so if you’ve got more money than brains, consider this path. This wasn’t an option for me however, as I was dirt broke – I also had shitty school grades so there was no way my high school grades would get me in. Fortunately, the mature-age exam to get into university wasn’t actually that hard, just a bunch of basic maths, spatial and reading comprehension questions, and I aced that test, getting in the top 6% of applicants.
That would have been enough to qualify me to do a generic degree like a BoA, but because I was more interested in music university, I had to also prove my musical worth and do an audition. Music university won’t take total noobs, you have to already have a fair bit of aptitude before they will consider you. I decided I might try to get in through classical guitar, and if I failed I could still fall back on the entrance exam results and do the BoA. So I warmed up some classical guitar pieces and played them for a bunch of stuffy old cunts who were going to be my tutors if I passed. I don’t think they appreciated my technique as I play classical guitar more like a rock musician (think how Sungha Jung plays, not really strict classical technique) than a true classical player, so their response was lukewarm. It was pretty clear that I wasn’t going to get in on the strength of my guitar playing. I then thought “hang on, I’ve been releasing albums on my own record label for a few years now, perhaps I could submit those and get in through composition” so I spent an hour chatting to one of the music composition lecturers and showing him my crappy music and at the end of the chat he said “well, you’re pretty weird – but do you want to do a degree?”. I was in.
Here’s what I learned from my music university application experience: firstly, if some university official tells you no you can’t do something, don’t be disheartened – just keep asking different important people until someone says “yes” or even “maybe”. You don’t need everyone to agree, you just need to find someone who can open a door to what you want. The other thing I learned is that how likely you are to get your favourite course has a lot to do with intake levels. For instance, it’s piss easy to get into my music university if you want to do vocals, because the university wants enough entrants so they can make up enough members to form a full choir each year (yes that’s right, not only is vocal talent not needed for k-pop stars, it’s also not needed for university!). However it’s really hard to get in through guitar or piano performance, because there aren’t many tutors, and the tutors are lazy and don’t want many students, so they’ll pick only the very best applicants. It’s easy to get in if you’re a violinist too, but much harder if you play the timpani because the university wants to be able to form an orchestra, and an orchestra has several violinists but only one timpani player. For the BoA, there’s no intake maximum – they’ll accept as many people who pass entrance that want to do the degree, because the lecture halls are huge and one professor can easily lecture to two hundred people as easily as they can lecture to two, and the more people they can cram into that lecture hall, the more money the university can make.
PAYING FOR UNIVERSITY
If you live in a proper real country run by smart people who understand the economic value that an intelligent population who can do more than push a broom in front of them provides, you’ll have free education. However there aren’t many proper countries in the world like that, maybe you live in a ridiculous banana republic fake country like Australia with a long history of idiotic non-leadership in which case you’ll have to pay heavily for your degree. How to pay for a degree when the whole reason you’re doing the degree in the first place is that you have no money? Here’s the best ways to go about this, from the most preferred method to the least.
- Rich parents
- Prostitution/sex industry
- Work a part-time job
- Welfare payments
- Extortion of famous people
- Run a website and attach annoying intrusive ads
- Release music and hope somebody buys it
Rich parents is obviously the preferred method. Prostitution and sex industry work might be occasionally unpleasant but makes a lot of money quite quickly, with very little time investment and is definitely the easiest way to pay for a degree if you don’t have rich parents, ask any k-pop star. Just don’t whore yourself out for one of those “we’ll murder you if you leave” type places, do your research, maybe ask your slutty friends which brothels and strip clubs they work for. If you’re not a person someone would pay to see naked, the part-time job has the benefit of providing a fair bit of money, but also robs you of some of your time. Welfare gives you more time but less money and you have to worry about staying eligible and being witch-hunted by a rabid billionaire-controlled media that has an agenda to demonise poor people. Extorting your local celebrity isn’t really ideal as it comes with risks such as jail time, however incarceration does give you more time to do the recommended course reading. The last two options are really not recommended (guess which one I chose).
GETTING THE MOST OUT OF LECTURES
Lectures are boring as fuck, even for a topic that you actually do give a shit about. Fortunately, it’s easy to get the most out of them. Here’s how.
Turn up – what a difference this makes. Attend every single lecture, without fail. Don’t ask your friends to write lecture notes and give them to you later so you can watch Music Core or whatever the fuck, it’s inviting disaster. Your friends are morons, they’ll fuck up and spill drinks on their notes, or lose them, or just forget to give them to you, or just write the wrong shit down, or even worse they’ll realise Music Core is on as well and stay home. They don’t give a shit whether you pass or not, and half of them are probably stoned. Every lecture has a lot of boring bullshit but it also has something you need to know, don’t rely on your loser buddies to figure out what that might be.
Pay attention – stop talking to your stupid bitch friends about k-pop and actually listen to the boring person giving the lecture. Also don’t bring in your headphones and listen to MP3s on your phone you dumbass. Most importantly don’t blow all that education money on asking the person sitting next to you if they like Gfriend or BTS because there’s a real risk that they might say “yes” and then you’ll be trapped in a stupid conversation with them about how great your bias is for the next half an hour and you’ll miss all the important shit in the lecture.
Paraphrase – don’t write down every single thing the professor says. Professors love to ramble and talk about bullshit nobody cares about (just like k-pop bloggers, right?). Just write down the important shit. The ratio of actual shit you need to know versus pointless crap is about the same as the ratio of English to Korean in any given k-pop song – the important shit is in English, the Korean is just the details. The really cool lecturers will telegraph the really important shit and say stuff like “this next bit might be in the exam, so listen…” and you can bet “might” means “is”. The more deranged fuddy-duddy lecturers who look like Einstein will just jabber away about crap and you’ve got to figure out what’s important, which is usually not too hard, just keep an ear out for “shit you don’t know yet”.
Copy – write your lecture notes in the lecture, with a pen and paper. Then, when you get home, type all that shit up again into a word processor, so it looks nice and readable and not in your shitty scratchy handwriting. Now you’ve got some cool study notes you can come back to when it’s exam time. If you’re too povo to afford a computer just write them out again by hand, but neatly. Don’t be tempted to drag your laptop into the lecture hall – the copying of the handwritten notes into the computer reinforces the memory and is actually useful.
COPING WITH EXAMS
Most university exams are crappy because rather than test your aptitude, they mainly just test your memory at following instructions, which isn’t quite the same thing. Fortunately, this means that passing exams is easy as piss, because it’s ultimately just a memory recall test. Get those nice study notes that you typed out for yourself back during lectures, and type them out a second time, the day before the exam. That’s it – that’s all the study you need to do, that’s certainly all the study I ever did for any of them, and I never passed an exam at university with anything less than an 80% score. However it only works if you followed the lecture instructions above, and if you’re basically a smart person and you understand shit.
“But oppa”, I hear you say “this advice is great and all, but it’s too late for me! I spent my entire semester dreaming about being bukkaked by BigBang members, I’m going to bomb this fucking exam, please help me!” Don’t panic, Kpopalypse has got you covered! Most universities consider 50% a passing grade, so you only need to half know your shit to get through, and you can fake half-knowing something, here’s how.
Step 1. Go through the entire exam at light speed, and fill out all the answers that you absolutely 100% know for sure. Don’t spend more than 10 seconds thinking about the answer to any question, if you’re stuck for more than ten seconds or even if you’re about 80% sure, SKIP IT and move onto the next one.
Step 2. There should be plenty of exam time left. Go back through the questions again, do the stuff that you’re pretty sure about. Spend one minute maximum thinking about each answer, if your brain is taking any longer, don’t dwell on it, SKIP IT.
Step 3. Exam time is coming close to the end. You should now have left all the stuff that you either don’t have a clue what the fuck the answer is, or requires actual brain power (which you have none of because it’s all leaked out of your genitals during the semester of rigourous fapping). Time to complete that shit.
Now if it’s multiple choice, you’re laughing. Most university exams are multiple choice because it’s easier for underpaid professors to mark, and exams that are multiple choice usually:
- are put together by the same person who does your lectures
- have a non-randomised answer order (once again for ease of marking)
So a quick personality assessment of your lecturer will give you the most likely response. Firstly, strip away any “nonsense” invalid answers, all tests have a few of these. Then look at what’s left and think – is your lecturer an arrogant alpha male douchebag like Kim Hyun Joong or a bossy cantankerous mole like Kahi? Expect the first seemingly valid answer to be the right one. If your lecturer is a stuttering, mealy-mouthed victimised nervous wreck like Tzuyu, the last seemingly valid answer will probably be the most common. For other lecturers with personalities approaching normal well-balanced human beings, remember:
- If there are two seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably B
- If there are three seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably B
- If there are four seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably C
- If there are five seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably D
- If there are six seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably D
- If there are more than six seemingly valid answers, you’re probably doing a Kpopalypse quiz, which means you’re doomed so just tick anything
Don’t ask me how I know this crap, just know that it works and thank me later when you scrape a pass out of an exam that you thought you were doomed to fail.
Step 4. It’s four minutes until the end of exam time and you’ve still got a bunch of unanswered questions! Just fill out the answers left with any old crap. You can’t get “negative marks” in most exams, so don’t worry if you’re wrong or you think you’ll look stupid just gogogogogo kekekekekekekeke (if it is an exam where you can get negative marks – and don’t worry they’ll tell you if it is – then skip this step).
There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?
DEALING WITH ESSAY-WRITING
Unfortunately you can’t fake a good essay as easily as a good exam. Here’s some tips that might be useful.
Learn correct spelling and grammar – don’t write like a bitch, learn how to do it properly. It’s not that hard to use language correctly if it’s your native tongue. If unsure, just open up one of those “book” things and have a read, I’m sure you’ve seen them about. Then observe the patterns of what you see and copy them. Just make sure the book isn’t “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and you should be fine. You’ll get plenty of marks just if your essay reads nice, even if it’s wrong.
Don’t plagiarise – there are plenty of essays on the Internet should you care to search, and even sites that will essentially write your exam for you, don’t use them! You’ll get caught easily. Universities these days are wise to the sneaky caonima ways of students and the first thing they’ll do with your exam if it reads well is select a particularly impressive random sentence and throw it into Google search. If the same sentence absolutely word-for-word comes up somewhere online you’ll experience your own little plagiarism controversy just like your favourite k-pop stars and you can kiss your entire degree goodbye.
Get an early start – as soon as you get your exam topic, raid the library with as many books as seem relevant, then read up and…
Reference like fuck – no shit, you’re halfway towards passing an essay if you can reference and footnote correctly. Professors get a serious hard-on for correct referencing, so use your reference guide and make a big ass reference list of all the shit you’ll need, that you can just copy-paste into the essay as required and make sure you use all the correct formatting. The more references the better, you can never have too many, and where possible try to reference books rather than websites because the lecturer will probably check a website to see that you’re not full of shit but they’re unlikely to dig out every book that you read and check it, especially if you reference over a dozen of them. If you read up and reference well you’ll find that the essay writes itself in your head before you’ve even started writing the essay properly.
Hand that shit in early – I used to hand in my essays a week early, and then hang around the essay-submission box a week later fifteen minutes before closing time on the day the thing was due and laugh at all the sweating, freaked out students handing in their poorly-written shit at the last minute. But then, I’m a cunt. Getting the shit done early is beneficial for other things besides gloating, it mainly means you’re not competing with others for resources to write your essay with at the very last minute and it’s also less stress.
Don’t moralise – you know those boring as fuck articles that other k-pop blogsites write and that you hate, that are basically nothing but “here’s two paragraphs about a k-pop issue or controversy, and here’s another two paragraphs of my opinion about the person involved and whether I think what they did was morally right or not”? Well, nobody wants to read that shit in your university essay either. Opinions are like assholes – everyone has one, yours isn’t special. Stick to the facts and don’t lecture your audience on how you feel about the situation (unless that’s specifically requested in the essay question) because nobody cares, your job is to present your argument with trufax, not bash people over the head with your feelings like a fangirl sad that it wasn’t her tits that Seungri splattered his jizz all over.
Every student needs a break from the hard studying, so why not get out and about and meet your fellow students? Universities are full of people keen to socialise, and many of them will start up clubs with shared interests. There’s a very good chance that your university will have some sort of k-pop appreciation club, but be careful! These clubs can be populated with some of the most crazy, deluded, shambling, drooling k-pop fans you can imagine – do you really want to meet these types of people face-to-face rather than just on the Internet? You may be also dragged into scary club “activities” which might involve insipid yet harmless party games but may also involve creepy “fan support” type events or even religious cult brainwashing operating by stealth with a k-pop front-end. With luck you’ll be able to find such a club and cherry-pick out the one or two sane people there to have conversations and socialise with, dragging them out of the craziness without getting yourself dragged into the insanity of the physical equivalent of a k-pop forum, or worse.
In some countries universities have “fraternities” which are dumb organisations that have weird rules and strange, often fatal hazing rituals. To my knowledge these don’t exist in Australia or at least I never encountered any, but just know that being in a little kool kids klub doing Freemasonesque secret-squirrel things certainly sounds to me like an activity for faggot bitches.
Other things to remember:
- You’re not in high school anymore, punching out a cunt actually carries with it criminal charges now, no matter how much they deserve it
- The above also means that bullying is a lot rarer in university than high school
- University campuses are filled with rooms that are vacant 98% of the time, use this knowledge wisely
- Avoid student politicians like they all have herpes and want to tongue-kiss you
GETTING FUCKED UP
All Australian universities have a Unibar, this is a safe, friendly place where students of 18 years or older can buy tasty alcoholic beverages and socialise with others in an environment supervised by professional bar and security staff. Unfortunately not all countries are this enlightened and many forbid alcohol on campus, thereby enabling and promoting a lively alcohol black market where students sneak in beverages and get shitfaced in their dorms or other secret areas, often dying as a result of the lack of supervision of their drunken antics. Unless you’re a resident of Portugal drugs are probably illegal too, so there’s going to be some sneaking around of illicit substances on campus no matter what, probably. Kpopalypse doesn’t use or endorse drugs or alcohol and strongly recommends that you don’t do either, but also is mature enough to know that you’re not going to pay attention to any shit that I say anyway, so here’s how to fuck with your brain chemicals relatively safely and in a way that still enables you to pass a degree.
- Don’t get fucked up the day before an exam. Stating the obvious, but you’d be amazed how many people fuck this up. Wait until the day after your exam, then go full HAM.
- Everybody looks like Qri/Jaehyo when you’re drunk enough. Exercise caution with prospective sexual partners!
- Murphy’s law of drug supply: the more someone talks about how good the drugs they can get are, the less good those drugs are.
- Anyone who is at a Unibar but not actually studying at Uni is there to pick up. Proceed with due diligence and care.
- If a stranger asks you where they can get drugs, the only correct response is “I don’t know”. Don’t help them even if you know your dorm mate is loaded or you’ll end up like Daniel from DMTN with a charge for “assisting drug dealing”. Oh, and you’d be amazed how often undercover cops forget to change their shoes.
- Don’t drink or take drugs alone. If you’re going to ruin your life at least make it entertaining for others, do it with someone who can laugh at you making an idiot of yourself and draw pictures on your face of dicks near your mouth while you’re unconscious.
I never got laid in university because I was in a steady relationship for pretty much the whole time. Wow, what a mistake that was – there were some pretty hot girls at university, and I broke up with the girl I was with at the time soon afterward. So I can’t help you much here, all I can say is this:
- Don’t get anyone pregnant, or get yourself pregnant – study is stressful enough without that shit
- Don’t rape anyone
- Safe sex y’all
- Don’t take nudes of yourself and send it to someone you love, that shit will spread
- If all else fails, the medical community agrees that fapping to k-pop idols has no long-lasting harmful effects
That’s it from Kpopalypse! Hopefully this information will be enough for you to ace your degree and move on to an amazing career in… erm, whatever. Was this advice helpful, let me know in the comments! More posts soon, caonimas!