Well, I typed it by hand, does that count as “handwritten”? I hope so.
Kpopalypse would just like to take the time right now to formally apologise for the following things that I did when I was about ten years old, or thereabouts. Instead of making excuses by saying they were foolish mistakes I made when I was young, or saying that I don’t remember what I did, I believe that admitting my faults and apologizing is the right choice, which is why I’m writing this.
One day in the schoolyard some girls were calling me names, I can’t remember what they were. Anyway I threw a few small stones at one of the smelly girls and they fucked off. They then went and told a teacher on me, and the teacher was very angry and told me that I should never throw stones at girls. I told the teacher that they shouldn’t call me names, and she said that’s true but it doesn’t justify throwing stones at them. Although it was super-satisfying at the time and totally worth it, I admit now that the teacher was probably correct and I should have thrown something softer and maybe messier at those bitches. I am genuinely sorry for my inappropriate projectile selection.
Strange as it may seem I wasn’t always a heathen satanic Rainaist. Even though I had mostly already figured out that Christianity was total horseshit by the time I was ten, sometimes I’d give it a try anyway out of pure desperation as I was a constant bully victim at this age and some divine intervention would have definitely been appreciated. One of the many kids who was bullying me at the time kicked me in the foot once, I can’t remember what provoked this specific attack, probably just me being an ugly loser at life. I thought I’d try that thing in the bible about how if someone slaps you in one cheek, offer him the other cheek, so I asked him to kick me in the other foot, maybe hoping that in the slim chance god existed he would notice how awesomely I was following his instructions and do me a big old favour and strike the fuckhead down with lightning later or something. Of course, he did kick me in the other foot just as I had asked, and nothing bad happened to him after, plus it really hurt, fuck that was dumb. I’m terribly sorry for experimenting with Christian crap and not bashing that cunthole in the face as I should have.
One day I was out riding my bike and it was dusk. I was walking my bike up a steep hill and I saw some kids in some bushes by a main road, I’m not sure what they were doing but they looked like some of the bullies at my school. Whatever they were doing I didn’t care anyway as long as they left me alone. Bullies would sometimes attack me for no reason just for being in the area that they were in, and the attacks were a lot worse when I wasn’t on school grounds (with no teachers around to potentially intervene), so I quickly got on my bike and rode away. A few seconds later, a row of fire appeared across the entire street, presumably the kids had poured some petrol or other flammable liquid on the road and set it alight. As I cycled away, people were staring at me strangely, I shouted “it wasn’t me!” because I was worried that they would think that I did it (as the other kids were hiding in the bushes and invisible to bystanders). Of course I didn’t do it, but looking back on it now, I’ve got to admit that the row of fire across the street those kids had made sure looked kick-ass, it’s not every day you see a motherfucking street on fire. I’m sorry for not thinking up something this awesome myself back then, I will reflect on my lack of cool vandalism ideas.
Another time I was out again riding my bike, a BMX with dirt tyres, and somehow by chance a squashed plastic juice bottle got stuck between the rear wheel of my bike and the mudguard. Because of the bike tread design, the knobbly tread on the rear tyre made a huge noise against the plastic whenever the wheels turned, it sounded a bit like a really loud motorbike! I naturally thought this was fantastic so I rode everywhere around my neighbourhood with the juice bottle stuck there, making shitloads of noise. My parents eventually got wind of it because some neighbours on my street complained, and they made me throw the juice bottle out. Later, I tried to replicate the result with another juice bottle (in an area much further from home, so I wouldn’t be stopped this time) but I couldn’t work out how to squash it just right to get the same effect, and the result wasn’t nearly as good. I’m deeply sorry that I never studied the shape of the original broken juice bottle more closely, I could have patented this cool shit, I will work harder to bring you an improved version of myself that is more annoying to others.
I was in the school playground hanging out inside some weird concrete pipe thing that probably wouldn’t make the grade as acceptable play-equipment in today’s OH&S-compliant playgrounds but was considered okay in Adelaide’s outer suburbs in the 1980s, and some girls wanted to join me. I told them to fuck off because I was a rude piece of shit (not much has changed hey), and they did, and at the time I was grateful because I didn’t want to hang out with smelly girls who were into dolls and pink-coloured stuff. Later on one of these girls went to my high school and turned into a total hottie and I started to get interested in some of her pink-coloured stuff but by then she didn’t want to know me because I was such a cunt. I’m really sorry that I didn’t have the foresight at the time to make connections with girls so I would be socially prepared when puberty came along and possibly get laid, I will return with more mature maturity.
I was taking a piss in the school urinal when a bully pushed me and I fell in, landing in the trough. Just another day at my shitty school, but this time I was really pissed off, and I flew into a rage and started hitting the other kid. I’m not sure why but I was punching him in the back, which made a satisfyingly deep bassy sound when my fist connected but was incredibly stupid because it wasn’t hurting him at all. His friends started laughing at my lame display of misguided aggression. I’m really sorry about not hitting him in the face instead, or maybe wiping some of my piss-soaked clothes onto him, now that would have been way smarter, but I guess I wasn’t really thinking at the time. I shall reflect on my immature and ineffective actions.
School wasn’t just about being bullied though, occasionally learning would also happen. I really liked geography class because I was really good at drawing maps and I was actually able to draw an entire world map by memory at this age (don’t ask me to do it now, all the countries have changed). When the subject of the world came up in class (unlike some countries, Australians actually learn about the rest of the world in school and how it exists) I excitedly rushed around the room being an uber-nerd and helping everyone get their capital cities and borders in the right location. I thought I was being helpful, but because I was doing all the thinking for the whole class, the other students never got to use their brains so I’m probably at least partially responsible for helping raise a generation of stupids. I and deeply sorry and will work even harder to repair the damage from my thoughtless actions by bringing you even more posts of trufax.
One day a girl was kind of rude to me and I told her to fuck off because I was a ten year old shithead who hated rude bitches, but then she was a really snobby cunthole, so she totally deserved it. A week later she fell off some of my school’s crappy non-OH&S-compliant play equipment and was paralysed from the waist down. I felt like “serves her right” and was really happy about it initially, however I didn’t know anything about paralysation back then and how bad it could be, I thought it was like a broken bone and she would get better in a few weeks or so. I didn’t know that the paralysation was going to be permanent and she would spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair. By all reports she became a really nice person once she was wheelchair-bound, but I never found out for myself as I wouldn’t talk to her because even though she was wheelchair-bound she was still an ugly mole. However her best friend who pushed her around a lot in the chair ended up becoming quite hot down the track, so clearly once again I wasn’t thinking strategically enough. I’m deeply sorry for not befriending her to make the quality of her life a bit better and also my own.
I spent a lot of time in the library at lunch times, reading books that other people my age were too stupid to read because they were busy beating each other up and eating Clag. One day I was in there and one of the librarians showed me an amazing thing, a computer with a ton of text scrolling down (this was the 80s, all computers back then were legit amazing). She explained that it was people talking to each other on the computer, through the phone line. She asked me if I wanted to type something, so I said okay. I typed “hello”, and watched as my text quickly scrolled off the top of the screen as everyone else in the chatroom replied with the most incomprehensible computer-nerd gibberish I’ve ever seen, far, far more cryptic and unreadable to the layperson than today’s relatively understandable “1337speak” version. I deeply regret not committing any of this terminology to memory so I could alienate readers of Kpopalypse blog with even more bullshit words nobody understands, I’m very sorry for this.
One of my best “friends” when I was ten was a kid who was actually also bullying me. He’d bully me half the time and the other half of the time we’d hang out normally and everything would be cool. I’m not sure why I hung out with him so much, but I never knew each time I saw him if he’d be okay or if he’d start giving me a hard time about something. One time I was cycling in my street and we were playing some sort of “game” where he was throwing stones at my face (I think there was some duress involved but can’t quite remember). One of the stones hit me right in the mouth, chipping the corner of one of my teeth. I lied to my mum saying that I fell off my bike because telling her that I had semi-consented to a “game” where I’d get rocks thrown at me was just too shameful to even admit. Then I had to go to the dentist and get my front tooth filed down so the chipped part wouldn’t stab my tongue. I’m sorry for lying to Boram, I will resolve to bring an improved version of myself that stans T-ara with more determination.
I don’t dare ask for forgiveness. I only want to reflect endlessly about my actions and apologize. I will work hard never to disappoint again. I will read all the criticism and advice on my immature actions and never forget them. Also, please continue to teach me. I apologize once aga… oh wait, sorry that bit is from Wonwoo’s apology, not mine. Anyway I hope you Sones enjoy this heartfelt, sincere apology. Also don’t forget to donate, it’s not like you were going to buy anything useful, you were just going to spend it on some stupid poorly-made sweatshop-built stationery that you will pay three times the normal price for because it says “Girls’ Generation” on the side and that you’ll be ashamed to own and will either throw out or try to sell off on Facebook in a few years anyway, so if you’re going to throw away money like that why not throw it in my direction. Thanks.