Welcome to another episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!
It’s that time again, time when Kpopalypse delves into the depths of nugudom to bring you entertainment! Read on to take a look at some nugus!
I’ve focused on the music video a lot in Nugu Alert, and there’s two reasons for this. The first reason is that bizarre shit happening in music videos gives me stuff to write about that’s a little bit easier to convey than just talking about music alone. After all not everybody is conversant in music theory and technical terms so sometimes it cam be difficult to engage an audience of readers when just talking about the music by itself, as explaining musical terminology is quite literally another language. It’s hard enough for people to get into nugu groups as it is without me creating extra barriers to their reading comprehension! Secondly there’s the fact that from the perspective of the the k-pop industry, the music video is actually a more important part of the package than the song – because it’s how your favourite k-pop performers look that is usually going to land them those valuable all-important company-floating endorsement deals rather than how they sound. The song is there to get people to look at the video, which is there to give a platform for the performers, which is there to get those performers on other, more lucrative platforms. Therefore I highlight the video as an important thing, because in the chain of events that combine to make k-pop a viable industry, it is.
There’s a problem however. Music videos have to look professional to be noticed, and professionally-shot music videos that blow the minds of watchers and make people with dollars think “wow, I really should hire that idol to sell my new brand of anal salve” are not cheap. What if nugu group x is on nugu company x and that company just doesn’t have the cash to float a music video? Well, if all else fails you can just shoot your fucking dance practice and pass that off as an official music video instead, and that’s what this episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert is all about – dance practice videos! In this episode we’re going to look at some nugus who promoted a new song with dance practices only! Usual rules apply:
- Less than 20,000 hits for official MVs
- Give-a-fuck quota among the general k-pop following population is low
- Kpopalypse gives all his fucks
Let’s get it started!
Bloomy – Hmph
Bloomy are already known to quite a few of my readers and I’m honestly surprised that they still qualify for Kpopalypse Nugu Alert. They will probably have busted through the 20,000 view count on some of their content by the time you read this, so it’s good that I was able to squeeze them in here just in time before they blow up and become the next Girls’ Generation. Being on the higher end of the nugu scale, Bloomy’s agency don’t settle for just a single camcorder in a gym but do their best to mix up the visuals by interspersing the dance practice shots with a few cuts of the girls as individuals in various other glamourous locations in the DS Entertainment headquarters.
Here’s the blonde girl who looks like a cross between Raina and Jisook in the communal cafeteria. The building is labelled KETC, which gives away the nuguness of DS Entertainment; they don’t own their own building but have to lease the facilities from a larger company.
You can tell that their gym/converted office space is a rental because apart from the logo, they’ve been careful not to make any installations that mark the walls, and are using a portable PA and air-conditioning.
You’ll also notice that all the footage outside the gym has been shot at night. When you cohabitate an office space with a bunch of other companies, if you want to do anything fancy you have to wait until night for all the workers from everywhere else to fuck off and leave so you can shoot your aegyo scenes without interruption.
DS Entertainment are notable as the home of slightly less nugu boy group A6P who the label actually can afford videos for, and here we can see Rainook of Bloomy in the office corridor in front of a bunch of still photos, none of which are Bloomy and which I can only presume are of A6P members taking holidays overseas and basking in the sun sipping Pina Coladas while Bloomy sweat it out in the gym on four hours sleep per night. Anyway don’t be too sad for them as the fortunes of Bloomy are increasing – shortly after this video came out they actually got to film a legit music video… in Nugu Park, of course.
YouTube views at time of writing: 16733
Nugu Alert rating: low
Hady – Hello
Stuck on one of nugudom’s lower rungs is Hady, who sadly weren’t able to escape the four walls of the gym for this video, however they were still able to mix things up by cleverly utilising two separate sides of the same gym room to add some visual variety, effectively creating a “light” and “dark” set.
Okay, so the wood veneer floor messes up the illusion a bit but there’s only so far the budget will go. Unfortunately for Hady, neither their song, music production or cinematography is up to Bloomy’s standard, but at least they get a nice couch to rest on between takes, and with k-pop girls typically averaging at about 50kgs I’m pretty sure that all four of them could fit side-by-side on that couch with no problem. The portable PA was a bit beyond Hady’s budget however, with the group making do with a tiny stereo system up against the wall to pump out their tune, but at least the label was still able to spring for a portable air-conditioner, as I’m sure it gets hot and sweaty in Chanbro’s basement. I’m not sure who the mysterious figure Chanbro is or why his name is on everything here, maybe he’s the Korean equivalent of Polites, the annoying cunt who owned half the buildings in Adelaide’s red light district and had signs with his name on them put up that to this day are pointlessly hanging from them all.
YouTube views at time of writing: 1592
Notable attribute: rare sighting of Chanbro’s foot at 2:57
Nugu Alert rating: extreme
P.L.O – Lalala
Let’s not forget the boy groups, because nugu dance practice videos are for everyone. Not to be confused with the Palestine Liberation Organisation but possibly by now just as destitute and war-weary, P.L.O are the latest multi-member ensemble boy group to hit k-pop. I counted twelve members in this video but I’m not sure if that’s accurate because the low resolution, the odd angle that this hand-held video has been shot on and the difference in orientation of the mirrored wall panels all combine to make it a little hard to discern what it is that I’m actually looking at, also I’m not sure if they’re all legit in the group or there’s some backdancers in the mix. Why would they shoot it like this? Perhaps it’s a device to get all twelve boys and their routine in the frame, because maybe the room was just that fucking small that the mirror corner was the only place for the cameraperson to go. As it happens they don’t even have a building of their own but rented out a dance practice studio for this, maybe they should have spent the extra money on hiring a bigger room. Obviously this handicam video was never meant to be the official real deal, but the only trace I could find of an official video was this ambitious-looking CGI-drenched horror preview:
And also this short dance-style MV preview:
However the actual song itself has been out for six months now. Will P.L.O ever rise from the depths of nugudom? Will we ever get to see “Lalala” as it was intended, or will it join the esteemed ranks of Goddess’ “Dirty Boy” as one of the great lost k-pop videos that was teased to the public but never arrived in its full form? Maybe an intrepid caonima can find it and enhance the quality of our lives!
YouTube views at time of writing: 639
Notable attribute: guy at the back at 2:10 fading fast, someone please help him stay hydrated
Nugu Alert rating: extreme
That’s all for Nugu Alert this time, Kpopalypse will return with more nugus at a future date!