Let’s be real for a moment and mention that apart from a few crybabies that can’t handle what I write, and a few other people who don’t follow k-pop closely and therefore appreciate the discovery value of finding stuff that they missed, nobody gives a shit about any of my lists apart from this one. Favourite songs, worst songs? Who the fuck cares about some Australian asshole’s opinion. Christmas bullshit? It’s a foregone conclusion that it all sucks, every year. Don’t worry readers, I know what you really want.
The year has come and gone so now is the time you’ve been waiting for, where Kpopalypse reveals the most fappable faptastic k-pop FVs of 2015! Prepare yourself appropriately and read on if you dare!
10. Stellar – Vibrato
You might be surprised to not see Stellar at #1 on this list, but let’s just say competition was stiff this year, even for our firm favourites. Stellar’s “Vibrato” depicts the group sharply self-aware of their own predicament – resigned to a life of gyrating in display boxes under a prying camera lens. In a year that had a strong female empowerment theme running through a lot of the more fappable videos (including many in this list) Stellar went the ultra-submissive route instead, which some people will whine about but if there’s one group of people who don’t understand and appreciate sexual dynamics, it’s certainly the new generation of Internet hobby-feminists who complain about fantasy depictions of sexuality because fixing gender inequity problems in the real world might require that they lift their dry genitals off the armchair for once. It might not be PC enough for you whinebags but female submissiveness is just as valid erotic interest material as female domination – sexual relations take (at least) two, and everyone can’t have the position of control in every sexual situation, because a buggy has only one driver. Stellar puts the viewer explicitly in the driver’s seat in a way that nobody else dared to in 2015.
9. Pocket Girls – Bbang Bbang
If you instead wanted females on top, Pocket Girls granted you your wish. The four ladies of Pocket Girls tie up and torment a two-timing love interest in this ode to female empowerment and revenge, but armchair critics didn’t notice any of that because they were too busy staring at the girls’ tits and exclaiming “how dare they have boobs!”. The ante on curvature is gradually upped all throughout the video, with the girls sporting some highly technical tits-harness outfits at 2:00 which would make any girl look busty but especially these race-queens who even incorporate driving motions in the dance routine to drive it home that they’re clearly aimed at the “alpha male who secretly doesn’t mind taking a bit of urine in the face” crowd. All the fun on this one is in the choreography, and if you don’t appreciate the chorus reveal, let the brave men of the South Korean army show you how to demonstrate appropriate gratitude levels.
Never a fap wasted by those boys, if North Korea ever starts some shit the South will win by simultaenously fapping to “Bbang Bbang” and plugging up the DMZ with enough jizz to glue together any invaders.
8. Girls’ Generation – You Think
Who would have thought that in four short months, Pocket Girls’ undeniably huge influence over the Korean pop scene would work all the way up to the premier A-list female group? Supposedly short for “you think you’re real cool”, in my eyes the title is short for “you think about Sunny in a tits-harness” because that’s all I was thinking about once this video started. Of course they’ve got Sunny in black fabric while the less busty girls like Taeyeon get some volume-enhancing leathery things under their boob-straps so that way Sunny doesn’t overshadow everyone else, it’s probably in Sunny’s contract that she doesn’t wave her norks around too much and make everyone else in the group feel inadequate. She also doesn’t get much screen time but that’s life in a large group, it’s at times like these I have to be grateful for Jessica leaving and upping the Sunny allocation from 11.1% to 12.5%, which means 1.4% more fap value – let’s appreciate it!
7. Gain ft. Jay Park – Apple
Still the classy-sexy queen of k-pop, every Gain video ever is about wanting to make male viewers dive into the screen penis-first by tapping into their inner scumbag. Gain blurs lines of sexual consent so often in her videos that it’s enough to make a rape counsellor have nightmares, screaming the “don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t, do do do do” chorus to this song in their sleep until they wake up in a cold sweat and then hang themselves. Fortunately, fapping doesn’t require consent from the other party if you’re alone and without a video or audio link doing it a few thousand miles away, so I don’t have to get as confused about this shit as Gain’s partners probably are (remember that she met her current love interest on the set of “Fuck You“, where he was playing the rapist), mind you I’m quite certain that she is aware that this activity goes on and approves. Jay Park however isn’t in this video at all because while he’s happy to have women as cozy ornaments for his swag videos, someone like Gain is just too much for him to handle, so instead we get Gain molesting some wood, riding a thoughtfully glute-bouncing bicycle and generally jiggling around which definitely meets required standards.
6. Oh My Girl – Closer
Oh My Girl is really a “let’s get Yooa a bunch of modelling contracts and CF work” concept group, so she’s front and center of “Closer” in some awesomely weird satanist story about crossing the river Styx to sacrifice her life to the devil by eating the poisoned hallucinogenic golden fruit that was used to make the doughnuts in Hyomin’s “Nice Body“. To top off the satanism theme the choreography for this is all based around astrology which is a blasphemous occupation for heathens and general filthy scum who don’t follow the teachings of Raina. With no orthodox religion to hold them back these satanic girls are no doubt down for sexual antics and at 3:40 they all sit down and finish the song in the shape of Taurus which is my own star sign and thus symbolic of their desire for Kpopalypse to fap over Yooa. I’m not doing an updated Kpopalypse bias list this year because there haven’t been enough new entrants into k-pop of requisite hotness to make it worthwhile, but when I get around to it Yooa’s cherubic face and blowjob-friendly lips will probably be in there somewhere.
5. PPL – Rush
PPL stands for “Perfect Performance Ladies” and “Rush” stands for what my jism is doing as I watch this video. There’s no telling how many (if any) of the girls in this video are actually on the song itself, but it’s the kind of bland Autotuney dance track that you can just mentally shove into the background anyway while you watch the girls dancing around in the club trying to find an awkward middle-ground between “socially acceptable k-pop girl MV activity” and “getting maggotted”. They all have that “going through the motions” look like your girlfriend does when you ask her to peg you and she really doesn’t feel like it because she’s got an early start at uni tomorrow but she does it anyway because she loves you and knows you’ll make up for it by going down on her later. Whenever there’s a shot with multiple girls check the face of the ones who think they’re out of camera range and you’ll see that aura of barely-concealed disdain which is exactly the vibe that a stripper gives you when she’s dancing and you’re not throwing money at her. Needless to say this is hot, and it’s helped along by some upper bodies that are probably quite heavily padded but I don’t have to feel what’s inside so I appreciate the effort.
4. IU – Twenty-three
I think I’ve written enough about how stupid IU’s haters are… haha just kidding actually no I haven’t, nobody can ever write enough about it, so let’s write about it some more because it’s funny. People got themselves so worked up and oh-so-upset about the supposed pedophilia in IU’s very, very obviously anti-pedophilic “Twenty-three” that all the real pedophilia-pandering that goes on in k-pop slipped right under their noses. I’m talking about stuff like April’s “Dream Candy” which has a bunch of underage girls (as young as 13!) dressed in Alpine-style milkmaid uniforms as if that isn’t the #1 fetish for 99% of heterosexual men across the western European sub-continent, and don’t they fucking know it too – watch for the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it dart penetrating exactly this geographic location at 0:23. K-pop fans are always laughably off-base with their pedo accusations, it seems that something about the high emotion experienced whenever someone thinks about these issues curdles their brains – for example KKS copped accusations of pedophilia based purely off a badly-worded press release and netizen’s super-active imaginations when he recruited Dani, but KKS always dressed Dani in age-appropriate clothing and never once shoved her into anything resembling fetish-wear, unlike DSP, not to mention Loen with IU back in her early days when everyone gave her and her company a “Nation’s Little Sister” free pass. “Twenty-three” is actually the first video that IU has done which explicitly isn’t pandering to pedophiles and the entire video’s concept expresses how annoyed with that image she is – sure she’s sucking the milk bottle but wake up cunt and look how fucking bored and irritated she looks while she’s doing it, then compare that to shit like “Marshmallow“. IU’s expression during all of “Twenty-three” is one step away from stabbing the cameraman in the throat and that is actually very fucking hot because I like sexy bitchy bitches bitching as long as they’re not bitching at me, plus she’s actually in proper clothes these days and not some stupid fucking crap with ruffles. IU these days actually makes me miss Sulli less, and it’s clear from IU’s torrid bitchface that they’ve been swapping notes on how to be a caonima.
3. Ailee – Mind Your Own Business
Like a Kpopalypse fanfiction come to life, Ailee is characterised as a psycho who hires a bunch of girls to vandalise her ex-boyfriend’s property while she faps in her car. Then she goes to jail, breaks out and comes back for a second round, trashing his house and possessions and then finishing off with a kick to his nutsack, because nothing says “empowered women who k-pop fans admire” more than some juicy sexual violence. At first I was naturally horrified by the injustice of it all, but then after about the 57th watch of freeze-framing Ailee’s boobs to find optimal fapping frames in between all the T-ara-speed editing I saw Ailee give the guy an action figure as a present at 3:22 and then it all made sense. The guy is one of those man-children who collects stupid action figures and she obviously got sick of having to deal with it so of course any violence against him is completely justified and Ailee just got hotter as a result.
2. Lee See Lee – Exit Plan
Lee See Lee really stacks on the cleavage in “Exit Plan” but photo evidence shows that she’s actually not all that busty but just well-versed in the art of push-up. However, Lee See Lee is fappable in Exit Plan anyway, and it’s actually because her odd facial imperfections plus her insistence on presenting herself as a pushed-up beauty queen when she’s obviously anything but, plus the raucous-yet-repetitive electronically-driven dance music all combine to remind me of Jamaican dancehall artist Lady Saw. Like a lot of k-pop artists Lady Saw has her awful shit worthless cringeworthy ballad side and her great rocking upbeat side, and like Lee See Lee, Lady Saw isn’t afraid to get sexual. I once played an event with Lady Saw on the same bill but I didn’t get to see her rock because we were scheduled to play on different stages at the same time, but apparently she was grabbing guys by the dick and smashing hecklers and all sorts, I’m pissed off to this day that I missed that because she’s now turned godaholic recently so the crazy days of Lady Saw are probably over. I realise I’m comparing apples and oranges but Lee See Lee still reminds me of her in spirit somehow plus has great boob presentation so that justifies anything I can possibly write here.
1. Apink – I Don’t Know
Last year Apink got #1 on my fappable list with “Luv” and people complained, and they’re probably going to complain about it again but tough shit. This video is actually an old one from 2011 or some shit but it was rereleased officially in 2015 on the 1theK channel and I had never seen it before so I’m just going to pretend it’s new, fuck it. Let’s now probe deeper into the true meaning of “I Don’t Know” by unraveling the multiple Lynchian layers of meaning for you as a community service.
KPOPALYPSE WHITE-COATER COMICS PRESENTS:
APINK – I DON’T KNOW
LATER THAT MORNING, THE GIRLS COLLECT TEST SAMPLES AND ARRIVE BACK AT THE DORMS
LATER THAT DAY, APINK GET TO WORK
THE NEXT DAY, A SURPRISE
A FEW MINUTES LATER
24 HOURS LATER
However if you feel that the Apink song is ineligible, that’s cool – honestly I can’t fap to it, I just wanted to write a comic for it. Let’s take Mamamoo’s “Um Oh Ah Yeah” as the #1 instead, it has girls in drag AND girls in maid uniforms (who are over legal age, tsk tsk DSP Media) AND Moonbyul in a striped top. What more do you fucking want? What more do I even need to write? What more CAN I write with one hand?
Thanks for reading! Kpopalypse will reflect and return, but probably not with a more mature image!