Last year I made a post predicting events in k-pop over the course of 2015. It’s time for Kpopalypse to revisit this post to see how right/wrong I was, and also to predict what’s going to happen in k-pop in 2016!
So, how did I do with the original predictions? My haters didn’t seem to think that I was very accurate… but of course, haters only see what they want to see. Let’s take a proper look with the bias-lenses of “omg I liek so hate that Kpopalypse dude” removed.
Girls’ Generation will continue – sort of. – CORRECT. I predicted a gradual winding-down of the group’s activities. This has happened, with the girls being less dynamic as a group and having more individual/subunit activities.
Hyorin from Sistar will lose much of her hair. – UNCONFIRMED. Still waiting for that perfect wigslip moment to be captured by an intrepid fancammer, however most are not pointing their lenses that high up, which probably explains the lack of evidence so far.
Qri still won’t care. – CORRECT. Qri is confirmed as not caring.
Woollim will take those who spread the Jisoo rumours to court – and win. – taken to court CORRECT, victory PENDING but certain.
Raina will collapse at an event and get admitted to hospital. – INCORRECT. The divine goddess of After School/Orange Caramel has proven immune to such trifling mortal threats. I obviously lacked faith, forgive me oh Raina.
IU will complete her transition to a “more mature image”. – CORRECT. Love her or hate her, nobody will look at IU the same way again after she completely scuttled the last remaining remnants of her annoying “Nation’s Little Sister” image on the blunt rocks of ham-fisted satire that was shallow as fuck but still too deep for the average k-pop fan to grasp.
SM Entertainment will keep fucking with everyone else’s shit. – CORRECT. The JYJ Law has passed but nothing has actually changed.
Han Ye Seul and Teddy’s relationship will deteriorate, boosting Teddy’s song quality. – PENDING. YG still haven’t debuted their new 2NE1 2.0 “independent girl group who doesn’t need a man to do shit – but Teddy writes all the songs” that will prove or disprove this prediction.
JYP will position GOT7 to replace 2PM as his main money-earner. – CORRECT. Of course k-pop’s legions of idiots constantly focus on chart position and award show wins, but smart people know that the real money in k-pop comes from endorsements and commercial work. In the areas where it actually matters, GOT7 have been cleaning up nicely with endorsements everywhere. In the meantime, JYP saying his name at the start of songs has returned as predicted.
K-pop will continue to not take over the world. – CORRECT. Shonky concerts and mediocre overseas activity continued to ensure that Korean idols and k-pop remain a cult phenomenon in western countries only.
Massive amounts of prostitution will jeopardise at least one record label. – INCORRECT. They totally got away with it, this time.
AOA will bring back the band concept, but you won’t like it. – PENDING. AOA definitely aren’t ditching it, so it will come back… whether it sucks or not remains to be seen.
K-pop fans will be just as stupid in 2015 as they were in 2014. – CO-FUCKING-REKT.
Wow, amazing! I got almost everything right! It seems like my ESP inherited from Boram came through with the goods, she would be proud of her son’s abilities. Now that I have a proven track record, let’s see if I can repeat the performance over the next 12 months!
Apink will begin their transition to a “more mature image” – Now that none of them are virgins thanks to Shinsadong Tiger’s prowess at hooking them up with male idols, watch their carefully constructed
pedobait “innocent” image start slowly trickling away just like Infinite members’ jizz down their legs after a solid backseat shagging.
IU keeps on chooglin’ – speaking of
pedobait innocence, the legions of surface-level derps who stupidly misunderstood IU’s anti-pedophile-pandering satire as somehow pedophilic and the fans who actually listen to IU are two completely different audiences. Therefore expect IU’s controversies to have about the same effect as T-ara’s controversies i.e a broadening of her international appeal and zero long-term effect of any kind, positive or negative.
AOA replace Sistar – as the group that more Korean men fap to, more of the time.
Mamamoo replace Sistar – as the Korean pop group that people endlessly bang on and on about the “talents” of, regardless of their musical quality or lack thereof.
Yolosweg for all – just about every Korean idol you can imagine who does a solo, no matter how ill-suited to the concept, will rape our ears with yolotrap as in 2016 we reach “peak sweg”. Expect to hear that stacatto “hey hey hey hey” in every second fucking beat for a while longer too.
f(x) finally get that fucking fandom name – Now that f(x)’s entire concept is ruined thanks to Sulli’s departure, SM will steer them towards average-land and eventual retirement, meaning that SM will now have nothing to lose by giving them a fandom name and making them exactly like every other group, also shutting up the group’s annoying conformity-craving fans. By the way the name will be really shit, and you won’t like it. Be careful what you wish for.
Korean netizens officially recognised as worthless human garbage by the Korean government – worried about the negative international reputation created by trendy international k-pop loving fucksticks translating Korean netizen comments, the Korean government puts their foot down in their usual style with some juicy democratisaion.
Classy-sexy concepts come back – after a flood of girls in frilly dresses and loose-fitting t-shirts and board shorts through the first part of 2016, the pendulum swings the other way and a girl group throws out a “classy sexy” concept (the Kpopalypse meaning of the term) to rival classy-sexy master Gain, much to the horror of everyone except me, who totally saw it coming and had the hand lube prepared.
Crayon Pop continue to not have another BarBarBar – they won’t reach the heights of viral fame again anytime soon, but will also continue to do more weird concepts that will make their growing niche audience happy, however…
Way’s Girls takes a hit as operatives get caught – a fund redistribution scheme goes awry and someone pays dearly for their allegiance to Way’s Girls. Way plots her revenge.
Puer Kim gets the girls out – an intrepid fashion photographer or video/TV director helps Korea’s Tura Santana Puer Kim realise her true calling.
K-pop agencies and promoters will continue to fuck up tours left and right – expect more disasters like the BTS debacle.
15&’s Park Jimin finds out about Kpopalypse’s lust for her, and freaks the fuck out – word that Kpopalypse would park in Park Jimin filters back to the girl herself via cheeky caonimas posing as 15& fans. Park Jimin is alerted to the pure filth that is Kpopalypse blog, spends an evening reading all the posts tagged “fap” with her own name all over them and decrees that he’s a creep who is totally not ever going there.
Plagiarism keeps being a huge obsession for k-pop following morons – but nobody in the industry cares, and nobody gets sued successfully.
Eat Your Kimchi finally agrees to do Kpopalypse Interview – under the condition that they are also asked about other things than Martina’s breast size. Kpopalypse calmly accepts these terms.
Asian Junkie is outed as a Raina fapper – longstanding k-pop blogger and unconvincing Rainaism denialist Asian Junkie will continue to erroneously claim that Raina is not the cutest member of Orange Caramel, however the truth of how he feels towards Raina his one true love will be revealed soon when he slips up and inadvertently shows his true colours.
An Anti Kpop-Fangirl author gets pegged – which one will it be? Will it be Kpopalypse? Pegging master HanYeSeul_Fag? AKF himself? Or someone else? I don’t know, but someone in the Anti Kpop-Fangirl author roster is going to get pegged, I have forseen it.
Kpopalypse continues to rep T-ara, IU, Lovelyz and other irrationally-hated idols for 2016 – a pretty fucking safe bet but just throwing it up here anyway!
Qri still doesn’t care – she really doesn’t. Kudos to whoever made this amazing image for QDC, who we all owe a debt to for alerting us to the true depth of Qri not caring.
That’s it for Kpopalypse’s amazing predictions for about year! In 12 months we’ll see if I’m I’m deadly accurate, or just as laughably wrong as The Great Satan!