In my continuing quest to document songs that did and did not suck from previous years in k-pop, please enjoy this list of honourable and dishonourable mentions for 2012!
These were songs that I thought were either very good or very bad, but not good or bad enough to make it onto my official best or worst lists for 2012. These are listed in alphabetical order, and are feature tracks only. Enjoy (or not)!
Ailee – Heaven
Before she was kidnapped by Johnny Noh and blackmailed with nude photos to sing 57 different variations of “Crazy In Love” while he jerked off in his computer chair, Ailee had some decent songs. Here’s one of them.
B.A.P – Warrior
B.A.P were complete nugus when this video hit and made instant waves with a tough backing track by k-pop standards and also by being k-pop’s first accidental DMX concept group. Plus I don’t know why having all the members with bleached blonde hair is funny but it just is.
BigBang – Fantastic Baby
Although back in 2012 this song got wearying from overexposure, this is actually pretty good in retrospect, certainly better than the shit they’re doing now. Okay, the last 30 seconds or so is utter garbage, but I’ve usually turned it off by then so I can let it slide.
Block B – Nalina
Easily Block B’s finest moment, this is just big dumb rap-rocking fun, which is all k-pop boy groups really need to aspire to in order to make me happy. The little details in the mix where the backings have been synchronised to complement the raps are very welcome and keep it interesting.
Crayon Pop – Saturday Night
This is the extended dubstep version where the dubstep break actually does something amazing – it sits really well with the rest of the song and doesn’t feel out of place at all. Worthy of inclusion on the list for this reason alone, but if you really can’t stand that fucking shit you could always listen to the original which doesn’t suffer much from the dubstep’s absence.
Dal Shabet – Mr. Bang Bang
I played this at a DJ club night straight after “Roly Poly” and it completely emptied the dance floor. That’s because people suck and should be destroyed.
EXID – I Feel Good
EXID still haven’t topped this great song at the time of writing, but then they probably don’t really need to bother now that Hani shaking her ass on fancams is filling their pockets. Hey whatever works I guess.
4Minute – Love Tension
Improves as it goes – the hideous start is saved by one of the best choruses in 4minute’s discography. This song also takes me back to the days when Hyuna looked like she was made out of flesh and bone instead of plasticine and rubber.
Gangkiz – Mama
Although “Honey Honey” got on my 2012 favourites list in retrospect I think this song is maybe a little better and should have gotten on there instead, just because of the dramatic Ennio Morricone-isms, gorgeous tremolo guitar and the fact that it doesn’t sound like a rejigged Lovey Dovey. Oh well, couldn’t be fucked changing it now.
K.will – Please Don’t
Definitely the only song in K.will’s catalogue worth bothering with, this song benefits greatly from some nice melodies and clever chord progressions with walking bass that really pushes the song forward and makes it not the boring mid-tempo ballad it could have been. Also I foresaw the video’s plot twist about 30 seconds in, because I’m a gigantic [spoiler deleted].
Nu’est – Face
Seeing the most effeminate guys in the world ever act tough and bully each other is great entertainment, especially the blonde guy who looks like a male Boram. However much I laugh though I can’t deny that this song has outstandingly catchy verses and choruses, and probably would have gotten into the real deal 2012 favourites list if it didn’t also possess one of the most awkward and unfortunate dubstep breakdowns in k-pop’s history.
The Seeya ft. SPEED – Be With You
I liked this song so much that I originally had it in the 2013 favourites list until someone pointed out that it was actually from the year prior. I also went and bought The Seeya’s mini-album on the strength of this song, unfortunately to discover that everything else on there is utter shit. So that’s two fuckups that I made just because this song was awesome enough to blind me from rationality. I guess I should learn from my mistakes but all I learned was that I’m a dumbass and I knew that already. Oh well, enjoy this song anyway.
Sistar – Alone
For a brief period in their career Sistar were not shit and actually had some good songs. It didn’t last long of course, but it was good times while it lasted. Here they are doing the “slinky grooves and slinky dresses” concept better than most groups before or since.
Spica – Painkiller
Okay, so it’s unfortunately not Judas Priest, but Spica will probably never get another song of this quality ever again, let alone one approaching the awesomeness of the even-better “Russian Roulette“. “Painkiller” is the big power ballad that every other k-pop group has tried to do and failed at, and although it’s a tad too overblown vocally at the end with horrible overdubbed vocal wank, the tough but subdued instrumentation makes it work despite itself. Someone tap Korean netizens on the shoulder and tell them that the real reason Spica aren’t getting popular is because everything they did after this song was fucking shit.
Tahiti – Tonight
With a mix electronically spazzed up the ass as fuck, it’s no wonder ex-member Sarah Wolfgang doesn’t know if her voice is on this or not, neither would you. Who cares though, it’s a great song and if you don’t think that the “report to the dance floor” vocoder harmony hook is catchy as fuck then you’re probably dead (or deserve to be).
T-ara – Lovey Dovey
Obviously trying to be “Roly Poly 2.0”, “Lovey Dovey” doesn’t quite get to that lofty goal but it’s a great song anyway that still helped cement T-ara’s reputation as k-pop’s disco queens. If you hate T-ara don’t press play because you don’t deserve to listen to a song this good.
B.A.P – Stop It
And “stop” their career did after this came out, B.A.P had a cool rap-metal concept going that rocketed them to international attention and they should have stuck with it, why did they have to ruin it with this One Direction-style shit is anyone’s guess.
Dalmation – E.R.
Actually this song’s alright, I just ran out of room on the Honourable list and wanted to make jokes about Daniel selling weed, but now I can’t think of any. Plus I thought some of you female readers might like it if I throw you a bone. Damn, I’m hungry.
Epik High ft. Bom – Up
If I knew that Tablo was going to come back in 2012 with some hideous pop-rap bullshit like this, I probably would have joined Tajinyo myself. At least he returned to form properly a few years later.
EvoL – We Are A Bit Different
If by “different” they mean “like peak-era 2NE1 but shit” then I guess this is truth in advertising. Pity their label seemingly fucked them up the ass, I hope the girls enjoyed playing with those tanks and flamethrowers, something for them to reminisce about in 2018 when they’re stacking supermarket shelves. Hayana, care for a tell-all interview? You know you want to.
G-Dragon – That XX
In 2012 the girl who was in this video was some big deal but it’s now 2015 and I’ve forgotten who the fuck she even is. Oh well, just as well nobody cares because this song is another boring acoustic ballad like every other one that gets written every day in Korea.
Geeks ft. Soyou – Officially Missing You, Too
Akdong Musician did a cover of this song not that long ago, and it was actually marginally better. That should tell you all you need to know about how shit this is because AKMU fucking suck.
IU – Every End Of The Day
Her self-composed song “Peach” from this album was even worse than this meandering hippie acoustic disco-lite crap.
JJ Project – Bounce
Three songs in one, but they don’t really fit together. The song bombed on the charts, which fortunately k-pop as a whole took as a sign that this experiment was a failure and they never tried anything this awkward ever again. Oh wait.
J-Rabbit – Happy Things
People reckon it’s Slayer and Marilyn Manson that causes all those mass shootings in the US, but I think J-Rabbit is responsible. Listening to this makes me want to watch The Human Centipede a few times just to balance out my brain a little.
Lee Hi – 1, 2, 3, 4
Are you a vocally-obsessed fuckhead? If so, you’ll probably enjoy this boring worthless fucking blues-based crap designed solely as a showcase to let Lee Hi jerk off all over all our faces. “Ooh look she’s only 16 years old and can sing really well” – sorry but if the song is crap it doesn’t mean shit. K-pop fans’ creepy obsession with vocals needs to go die in a fire before more garbage like this is created.
Lyn ft. Hae Geum – Teddy Bear
Someone give the bitch her fucking teddy bear already so she can stop whining and boring us to death with shit ballads.
Super Junior – Sexy, Free & Single
Ah, the irony of a group on SM Entertainment singing about freedom and the ability to have relationships with whoever they want. At first I was grateful that they weren’t retreading “Sorry Sorry” for the 27th time, but then later I realised that this was just “Sorry Sorry” at half speed. Oh well.
Tiny G – Tiny G
I’m sure that if trap was in full swing this debut song would have been some awful yolocrap but in 2012 not many people were doing that in k-pop so instead we get this weird electrofart dance thing. Oh well, it could have been worse.
2Bic & Davichi – On Nights Like This
Davichi are like a clearing house for shitty songs that MBK don’t consider good enough for their other groups, and this is no exception. I have no idea who 2Bic are and I plan to remain blissfully ignorant of that, but they definitely can’t save this from Davichi’s typical dose of somnambulant Carpenters-dom.
Wonder Girls ft. School Gyrls – The DJ Is Mine
Everyone singled out their song with Akon as Wonder Girls’ career-destroying mis-step into the US, but at least that song had a cool Shodan-style intro. This fucking shit right here was way worse, complete with crappy repetitive chorus, some nugu western group and the usual unsuited dubstep shoehorning, but probably the worst thing about it is that it’s all in English so there’s no hiding from how bad the lyrics are.
That’s the end of this list! Hopefully you enjoyed reading my crap and watching the videos, and if not, hopefully you at least found something you can complain about on an Internet site somewhere to make you feel better about your worthless existence and superior to others! Kpopalypse will return with more fun posts that he does for free for your entertainment that you can whine like an entitled bitch about in the future! Yay!