Here’s a question that I received a while back:
The answer is: this one! Let’s find out all about the personalities of people in the k-pop media and how we can correctly judge them from our high horse and feel socially validated! Yay!
Looking at someone’s personality rather than their looks in k-pop is an activity that k-pop’s concerned fanbases engage in with very noble intentions, but it presents an inherent and very obvious obstacle: how can you tell when someone is being their true selves instead of just putting on a show for the cameras as per their requirements as someone in the public eye? Sure, people think they can often “just tell” what their idol, actor or favourite media person is really like due to the “special connection” they feel with them, but anyone intelligent enough to spell their own name correctly and tie their own shoelaces should also be able to understand that people behave completely differently when a TV camera is pointed at them and they know that their whole careers are riding off every little word, gesture and movement. Idols in particular are naturally worried that if they show any actual real emotion that they might be caught out as people who are not unrealistically angelic 100% of the time by the braying hive-mind of cyber-pitchfork-weilding emotionally crippled Internet bullies that follow k-pop and that this might negatively affect their careers, so all k-pop stars that you see are therefore attempting to be on their bestest behaviour at all times. Same applies to radio appearances and all other forms of media, even social networking is strictly controlled with the public image in mind. So how can a casual observer break through the facade and see the REAL person underneath?
To be honest, Kpopalypse has no fucking idea, BUT… other people on the Internet have plenty of ideas! Let’s take a look at some of them and find out what techniques we can utilise when determining people’s true personalities!
MYERS-BRIGGS TYPE INDICATOR
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a well-known personality type test that categorises people’s personalities into groups of four attributes out of sixteen different possibilities. It’s long since been thoroughly debunked as a bunch of hocus-pocus bullshit for fuckwits but let’s not let some harsh truth get in the way of a perfectly functional feel-good pseudo-scientific belief system. MBTI is light on the facts so you can slam it down fast, which makes it perfect for the tough corporate environment where time is money, and if there’s any music genre that defines “tough corporate environment” to a tee it’s certainly k-pop. Little wonder then that there’s k-pop blogsites out there devoted to assigning MBTI personality types to k-pop idols. Of course, none of these idols have actually done any MBTI testing, but the k-pop fan’s supernatural ability to “just tell” via their “special connection” seems to be adept at filling in the blanks about how their idol would rate.
Tarot cards are an ancient divination tool used for centuries and therefore unlike Myers-Briggs are completely legitimate… but can you use Tarot to determine the trufax about k-pop idols? Apparently so! No need for the idols themselves to consent to a Tarot reading, all you need to do is submit whatever you’d like to know to a reputable k-pop tarot reading site, and let them do the rest! I had a burning question on my mind, so I acquiesced to the wisdom of the card masters:
I’m still waiting for a response at this stage, but we’ll see how they go at detecting Bambino’s stealthily-hidden flesh-toned panties, if they can manage to detect the carefully-concealed fabric then there’s no reason to assume that they couldn’t also tell you all about your favourite idol’s personalities with authority. To truly test the power of Tarot, I then went to another site to get a personal k-pop themed reading of my own, they asked for seven numbers between 1 and 78:
The first four numbers spell CUNT and the last three are the numbers worn by Orange Caramel in the “Lipstick” MV. Hopefully the site owner will be a good enough psychic to read between the lines here and will be able to tell me if anyone in Orange Caramel (preferably Raina) faps to Kpopalypse. I’ll update this post if I get a result, but I’m sure it will be accurate.
Even though the ancient practice of Astrology has run into a few surprising scientific issues of late, it still gets in newspapers daily across the globe therefore it must be true. Regardless, whether you’re into Astrology or not, if you want to see whether it can be used to tell you about your favourite k-pop idol you’ve certainly got your reading material cut out for you. There’s hundreds of examples out there that I could link, but check out this totally legitimate and in-depth analysis of ex-EXO member Kris, which completely confirms my perception of him being a dweeb who would be mercilessly picked on and bullied by the other EXO members. According to another site Kris also has high determination levels to date Capricorns, which is alarmingly specific and probably means that he’s banging Hyorin right now, sorry Black Nut. At least there’s a bright side for Kris now after all that tormenting and abuse he went through back when he was an EXO member.
The time-honoured art of palmistry is clearly more of a niche concern among the k-pop loving community than horoscopes, I could only find one palmistry-related post which was from some person who did analyses of the palms of all five members of TVXQ because conveniently they stuck their hands in some metal mould or whatever the fuck. I guess there aren’t many opportunities to clearly see the lines on the palms of a k-pop idol so that’s why there aren’t too many posts like these. Anyway the person read the palms back in 2009 and didn’t see the breakup of the group coming so oops I guess but maybe the author just wasn’t a skilled enough palm reader to detect the “group lineup divergence line” which I think is somewhere between the head line, the heart line and the fap line.
While researching for this blog I stumbled across this information (source here) about a popular Korean idol girl group:
Gosh that sounds like a few well-known groups that have risen to fame recently. It shouldn’t be too hard to narrow down the sneaky culprits with this information. But is it legit? Can you trust what some pussy on the Internet writes who unlike Kpopalypse won’t reveal themselves in public or even give their own name out, let alone the name of the people involved in the blind item or the name of their source? You may have to activate your sense of being able to “just tell” truth from fiction via your “special connection” to idols. Gosh!
Satanism is a fun belief system which is all about rejecting organised religion, thinking for yourself and being an individual while wearing the same fashions as other people who reject organised religion, think for themselves and are individuals just like you are. You can also talk to spirits and dead people and stuff which is pretty cool and badass while playing with ouija boards and gambling on Pokemon cards for lots of money which is way more fun than any namby-pamby lame Sunday activity that any crap normal religion is likely to get you to do. The new Primary video with AOA’s Choa shows you how to do all of this cool Satanic stuff if you’re interested, and if you go to any cool Satanic silver jewelry swap-meets you’ll probably find out all about what your idols are really like while you’re there, after all they’re all Satanists too and Satanists are kind of in the minority globally so mathematically the odds are good that you’ll run into a few of them just in passing.
Speaking of Satanism, buy one of those Dungeons & Dragons satanic board games and pilfer the D20 out of it. Now you’ve got not only a cool satanic toy for channeling your secret caonima powers but also your own personality determinator! Think of your favourite idol and roll away. Here’s what the numbers mean:
- racist yolofuckstick
- rude, bad attitude
- slutty with your oppars/unnies
- up the duff
- drug addict
- surgery addict
- iljin thug gangster
- public drunk
- serial liar
- drink driver
- prostitute to pay idol debts
- all-around generally nice person
- drug dealer (but doesn’t smoke it so it’s cool)
- non-OH&S compliant
- conspiracy theory nut
- brainwashed religious zombie
- rarely showers, then high-fives friends, spreading germs
- thoughtless douchebag
- sexist motherfucker
Presto – instant trufax at your fingertips! Well okay maybe not, but odds are that it’s still more reliable than…
K-POP NEWS WEBSITES
What are other writers on the Internet saying? Could they know what’s really going on and what your idols are really like? Unless they’ve actually met them in person, it’s doubtful (and if they have they probably are professionally obliged to not be honest about anything negative). Also media sites have pressure to write about what is trending, popular or widely-discussed, rather than what might actually be the trufax. The truth about media matters is rarely exactly what it seems, so maybe think twice before hopping on that trendy vilifcation bandwagon, regardless of what it is about or how appealing it might look.
Oh, and about that Lee Jung Hee scandal that people endlessly harrassed me (and every other k-pop blogger) to cover:
If something that an idol (or anyone else) said or did is pushing all your outrage buttons, maybe you should be outraged… or maybe you’re being manipulated by something which has been specifically tailor-made to push those buttons of yours, which is something that Internet scammers are really good at doing. It’s all very well saying “I’d rather believe in lies than doubt the truth” but if you go through life with that attitude you’re going to get fucked up the ass one day, because that’s exactly the kind of attitude that scammers exploit.
It would be nice if life was completely black-and-white and it was always obvious who is right and wrong, whether your favourite idol was a good or bad person, and how much truth there is in any given situation – unfortunately the world doesn’t work that way. It’s not a good idea to trust some judgement call about what someone is really like on some shitty k-pop website that thinks it knows best. You’d be better off with Choa’s Ouija board.
And if you’re now thinking to yourself “but wait Kpopalypse – these criticisms naturally would also apply to YOUR SITE as well, wouldn’t they?” then congratulations – you’re learning fast!
THE THRILLING CONCLUSION
Based on my thorough and exhaustive research above, you can trust sources in the following order, from most accurate to least accurate:
- Become a Satanist, meet idols, do secret handshakes
- Dice rolling
- Hocus-pocus bullshit
- More hocus-pocus bullshit
- Anything written on the Internet, especially by Kpopalypse (scroll back up and click on the text of the blind item if you haven’t already)
Now you have the amazing knowledge of trufax determination! Remember to use your new-found power for good, not evil!