Haiku Reviews 2 – Kpopalypse has returned – prepare your anus

Very many folks / seemed to really quite enjoy / my Haiku reviews

As Kpopalypse / is always happy to please / all of his readers

I have now returned / with even more song reviews / in Haiku format

Sit back and enjoy / as I take a runny dump / on all of your faves

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The following songs / in a convenient list / alphabeticised

These selections were / requested through ask.fm / by my Caonimas

If the song you picked / is not below I may have / reviewed it before

In my previous / Haiku post, bestworst lists or / five word song reviews

Or perhaps I just / left your shitty song out to / make you really mad

Anyway there is / a horny jizzload of songs / so let’s get started

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A.cian – Driving

Falsetto chorus / like being hit in the nutsack / by a bad driver

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Afrodino – Zzz

Boring smooth soft crap / described perfectly by the / insightful song name

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A.KOR Black – How We Do

Kemy and Minju / had those two great mixtape raps / so why does this suck

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Anda – Touch

Sorn from CLC / Will probably look like this / in about ten years

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AOA – Chocolate

Tedious mish-mash / of all their much better songs / in a crap medley

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AOA – Come To Me

Waited for Jimin /  to say “Hey!” so I could fap / it was not to be

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AOA – Heart Attack

Waited for Jimin /  to say “Hey!” so I could fap / ahh, that’s more like it

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AOA – Time

Nobody wants to / hear AOA’s generic / filler k-ballads

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Asha – Mr. Liar

Brilliant production / and great beats, shame about the / crappy blues based song

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Beast – Freeze

Shinsadong Tiger / doesn’t hit gold all the time / evidence is here

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BigBang – If You

Emotionally / manipulating their fans / for a fast buck works

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BigBang – Sober

BigBang finally / makes something vaguely like a / proper fucking song

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Black Nut ft. Genius Nochang – 100

Black Nut is good fun / if only idols also / had his attitude

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Blady – Oochie Walla Walla

Two zero one five / is the year nugu groups ran / out of MV cash

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BoA – Kiss My Lips

BoA runs SM / so she saves all the good songs / mainly for herself

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Boyfriend – Bounce

MV girl is hot / think I might turn the song off / and just fap to her

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Boys Republic – Hello

Threatens to be good / but doesn’t quite get up there / oh well nice try folks

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BTOB – I Only Know Love

They only know love / maybe they should have learned some / songwriting instead

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BTOB – Wow

Okay, this standard / New Jack Swing by numbers is / not too bad I guess

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BTS – Dope

Ladies if you like / kpop boys in uniform / your porn has arrived

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BTS – Rise Of Bangtan

I guess now that we / don’t have BAP these days / this will have to do

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BTS – Spine Breaker

With a name like that / I expected something fast / not this reggae lite

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Chad Future & Aron – Got It Figured Out

Cannot decide if / Aron or Chad has the worst / creepy camera stare

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Chae Yeon – Even If I Don’t See

Be honest ladies /  you only picked this song for / Jaehyosturbation

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Clara – Gwiyomi Song 2

Clara looks stupid / plus the song is pretty crap / can still fap, all good

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Dal Shabet – Joker

One day Dal Shabet / might hit the pop A-list but / not with this garbage

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DGNA/The Boss – Admiring Boy

I guess rapists must / like vocal harmonising / in their boy group songs

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DGNA/The Boss – Rilla Go!

Open World’s rapist / or their new agency’s clothes / not sure which is worse

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D-Holic – Chewy

Nugus once again / showing the A-list groups a / decent fucking song

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EXID – Ah Sul Hae

Is it X-I-D / or E-X-I-D? Thanks for / fucking this post up

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EXID – 1M

Worthless ballad trash / the type that clogs up all the / k-pop albums now

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EXO – Love Me Right

EXO and football / a bigger styling fail than / Martina’s loose clothes

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E.via – Really?

Before Tymee days / E.via had proper beats / not shit rap ballads

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Fiestar – You’re Pitiful

Maybe they refused / the bangbus ride so Tiger / gave them this dull song

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f(x) – Step

f(x) are odd as / they do have good album tracks / trufax, caonimas

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4Minute – Crazy

The song G-Dragon / has been trying to write for the / last three years but can’t

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4Minute – Show Me

The parts are all good / but they don’t fit together / like Hyuna’s body

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4Minute – Stand Out

Like most k-pop groups / 4Minute’s album tracks are / rejected singles

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FTIsland – Pray

At least it’s heavy / or as heavy as these groups / are allowed to get

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Gain – Paradise Lost

Absolute shit song / in a transgressive package / so you notice it

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Gfriend – Glass Bead

A ben-wa bead song / concept is innovative / but not the music

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Gfriend – Neverland

Better than Glass Bead / which is just a clone of that / SNSD song

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Girl’s Day – Hug Me Once

Back when Girl’s Day had /  good synthpop features, not the / lame shit they do now

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Girl’s Day – Ring My Bell

Awful messy trash / Girl’s Day sound like Sistar now / for the bucks I guess

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Girl’s Day – Macaron

Cool electro swing / should have been the feature track / their agency sucks

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Girls’ Generation – Beginning

Designed for concert / lightstick waving, remember / where the on switch is

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Girls’ Generation – Girls’ Generation

Back when you could tell / which member was which just by / looking at their face

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Girls’ Generation – I’m In Love With The Hero

With a name like that /  they should have made it sound like / Eye Of The Tiger

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Girls’ Generation – Oscar

About as good as / SNSD’s album tracks / ever fucking get

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Girls’ Generation – Party

There are only two / things I watch SNSD / MVs for these days

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Girls’ Generation – You-aholic

Another basic / SNSD album track / nothing to see here

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Hello Venus – Wiggle Wiggle

If Hello Venus / did this concept from debut / they would be rich now

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History – Tomorrow

One of the better / boy groups around now, with a / pleasing lack of swag

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Honeygirls – Again

Very generic / with that lame whistling shit that / all the groups have now

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Hong Jin Young – Love WiFi

Not nearly enough / of Hong Jin Young’s boobs displayed / I am disappoint

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H.O.T – Happiness

Teenage kids try to / sound tough with fake growly voice / quaking in my boots

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Infinite – She’s Back

This isn’t too bad / at least it has some guitar / that’s something I guess

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IU – Heart

Too much of this weak / crap in K-pop but at least / this is well written

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Jimin & J.DON – God

She has heard Detox / but Kpopalypse has not / I’m not fit to judge

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Jimin – Puss

The only song that / Unpretty Rapstar gave us / that was any good

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Jin – Gone

A good story to / manipulate you into / liking a shit song

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JYP ft. Jessi – Who’s Your Mama?

JYP looks like / even more of a pervert / than me, I approve

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KARA – Cupid

It’s okay but it / lacks the metal influence / of their better tracks

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KARA – Honey

Back when you could tell / which member was which just by / looking at their face

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Laboum – Sugar Sugar

Great 60’s girl group / style song that nobody liked / because they all suck

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Lizzy ft. Jung Hyung Don – Not An Easy Girl

Lizzy sounds great here / but I wish she really was / a bit easier

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Lovelybut – Such Sorrow

How fucking maudlin / can these sour sobs fucking go / out and get some sun

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Lovelyz – Amusement Park/Joyland

This is pretty good / Lovelyz have good album tracks / not sure why that is

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Lovelyz – Hi~

Lovelyz going down / Stock Aitken Waterman path / it does work for them

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Melody Day – #LoveMe

Decent verses are / ruined by the blues chorus / waste of a good song

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Minx – Love Shake

If Dal Shabet had / this as a feature track they / might have got somewhere

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miss A – Mr. Johnny

Let’s not make Johnny / Noh’s ego any bigger / with crap songs like these

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miss A – Step Up

Glad this one never / came out as a feature track / it’s as shit as “Breathe

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Monsta X – Trespass

More yoloswag stuff / but this one is pretty good / catchy synth saves it

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Mr. Mr. – Big Man

Sounds like music from / an 80s action film scene / not too bad I guess

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Mr. Mr. – Highway

Boy groups killing each / other with guns, soon the world / will be perfect – shoot!

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Mr. Mr. – Waiting For You

This song is nothing / great but still better than most / boy group songs that year

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Nine Muses – Choice

If I had the choice / I would have not reviewed this / lame album filler

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Nine Muses – Drama

It isn’t bad but / the Tarantinoesque start / outperforms the song

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Nine Muses – Hurt Locker

This is the song that / “Catch Me If You Can” should have / been like, but was not

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Nine Muses – Miss Agent

Nine Muses do not / have good album tracks but this / is an exception

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One Voices – Flush

Very average / song title sounds like a good / idea, flush it down

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Poten – Go Easy

Nothing special here / but notable for some cool / theremin backing

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Queen B’z – Bbibbi

Maybe the best song / these nugus have ever had / but still not that great

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Rainbow – Bad Man Crying

It’s easy to see / why Rainbow struggled for fame / with this boring crap

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Rainbow – Black Swan

Finally Rainbow / get a good feature track, it / only took 6 years

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Rainbow – Privacy

Nothing special here / grateful that this song wasn’t / picked as the feature

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Red Velvet – Ice Cream Cake

Pretty cool song but / I still can’t tell them apart / someone help me please

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Risso – OMG

I often hate this / type of funk disco thing but / Risso is good here

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Shannon Williams – Why Why

Why why is Shannon / doing a Traci Lords on / uncle fans, stop that

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SHINee – One Minute Back

I want my three and / a half minutes back that I / spent hearing this shit

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SHINee – View

Best SHINee feature / track in a while but all their / others are bad, so…

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Smells & Reno – Uhm

What is this crapstep / didn’t they get the memo / this is a dead style

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Smile-G – Superman

Screechy annoying / chorus sinks all the appeal / this song could have had

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Sonamoo – Love Call

What’s with Sonamoo’s / agency, all their fillers / are better than their…

Sonamoo – Nation’s Little Sister

…fucking shit feature / not that these songs are good but / “Deja Vu” was trash

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So Yumi – Shake Me Up

This song is good but / still Mina from AOA’s / Audrey Hepburn wins

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SPEED – Don’t Tease Me

If you don’t want to / be teased please do a proper / MV next time thanks

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SPEED – What U

I was introduced / to Heelys by SPEED, thanks for / enhancing my life

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Super Junior Happy – Pajama Party

This was a real thing? / Christ Super Junior released / some pure fucking turds

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Super Junior-T – Rokuko

The crap keeps coming / seems lovestruck Shindong fangirls / will buy anything

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TaeTiSeo – Adrenaline

Holler” was a much / better song, that’s why it was / the feature – trufax

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36.5˚C – Harley Baby

Disgusting blues trash / I listen to k-pop to / get away from this

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T.O.P – Doom Dada

The chimps finding a / mic is appropriate for / YG’s career path

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TVXQ – Android

Nothing all that great / but still better than what they / did as a five piece

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TVXQ – Humanoids

Pretty sure that this / group were always a two piece / where’s my cheque SM

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2Yoon – 24/7

Country k-pop song / that is about 1% / country, what a fail

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Vasco, Shannon Williams & Giriboy – Breath

Yet another dull / rap ballad, Korea has / millions of these shits

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The Vinylhouse – Negative Love

Boring song that is / well-matched with an equally / boring video

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Wa$$up – Stupid Liar

Typical yolo / swag shit, Wa$$up should go back / to breakdance music

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Wonder Girls – Gno

Wonder Girls also / had decent album tracks which / is unusual…

Wonder Girls – Me, In

…k-pop albums are / usually bad because / they are not designed…

Wonder Girls – Nu Shoes

from the ground up as / albums but just the feature / plus leftover junk

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X-5 – Dangerous

Apt song title as / trainees at their agency / found out all too soon

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Year 7 Class 1 – White Wind

Someone asked me if / this was shot with a drone – yes! / Click here for the proof!

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eunjunghaiku2

 

8 thoughts on “Haiku Reviews 2 – Kpopalypse has returned – prepare your anus

  1. Yes, it is true that/Even If I Don’t See is for/Jaehyosturbation

    Love Shindong but won’t/ Buy Super Junior T songs/ download free instead .

    Kim Kwang Soo Dont Tease/ SPEED with no work for whole year/ Asia is big enough

    Mr.Mr miss/ Ryu because binders thrown at/ their heads now not his.

  2. You reviewed all the/ songs I requested last week/ thank you can ni ma!

    Super Junior has/ many trash songs but Heechul/ is hot, one good thing

    SuJu fans don’t pay/ for Shindong, Donghae is the/ wallet opener

Comments are closed.