Kpopalypse returns with a new competition post just for you! Whether it’s about winning an award nobody cares about, getting to #1 on some pointless chart somewhere or coming at the top of some random dicksucking bullshit list made up by some nobodies, it’s clear that K-pop fans love competitions, especially ones where they can get involved and vote as many times as they like! So hopefully you’ll also like this post, where Kpopalypse investigates which music genre has the most epilepsy-inducing music videos!
Welcome to the EPILEPSY MV CHALLENGE! Let’s introduce the competitors!
In the WHITE corner representing K-POP we have T-ARA.
Known for their consistently catchy feature tracks, outstanding looks, international success, extreme dateability and high determination levels, T-ara in 2015 are an unstoppable force among Korean pop girl groups (as the people who have been trying to stop them ever since 2012 have gradually found out). T-ara are also infamous among k-pop fans as “that group with the music videos that bore a hole clean through the viewer’s eyeballs and straight into their fucking skull”, the closest thing k-pop has to BDSM for the retinas. No wonder Whitehouse founder William Bennett is a fan.
In the BLACK corner representing ELECTRO-INDUSTRIAL we have FRONT LINE ASSEMBLY.
One of the founding groups of the electro-industrial genre, Canadian group Front Line Assembly emerged in the 1980s and combined the soundscapes and harshness of industrial music with synthesisers, drum machines and layered samples plus a strong pop songwriting sensibility, finding creative success and international recognition. They also made a ton of music videos that have probably sent hundreds of people into epileptic seizures and will make you think twice about clicking on a YouTube link for a group you’ve never heard of ever again in your lifetime.
The challenge for you, the reader – watch the following videos, in their entirety, then vote for each round answering questions concerning your relative impression of their retina-shredding epilepsy-inducing properties and your mental health. But before we start, a quick warning:
ROUND 1: DIFFICULTY LEVEL – EASY
T-ara – Roly Poly (short MV version)
T-ara’s trademark fast cutting is in full effect for the video to their fantastic disco-themed feature track, with barely a shot in the entire MV lasting for more than two beats of music (just under one second). The visual harshness is exacerbated by the gaudy colours and nightclub lighting, however the effect is also softened by the occasional long shot and the matching dance routines between cuts, making “Roly Poly” one of T-ara’s easier on the eye videos.
Front Line Assembly – Virus
Front Line Assembly’s “Virus” is characterised by long shots of scenes interspersed with frames of other scenes or stills cut in at rhythmic intervals, creating a deliberately jarring effect that complements the song’s harsh sound. The barrage of images is reduced during the song’s breakdown where a “synaptic analysis” provides some welcome visual relief, dividing the video into two relatively easily-digestible halves.
ROUND 2: DIFFICULTY LEVEL – MEDIUM
T-ara – Bo Peep Bo Peep (Japanese MV version)
The visuals here are from the Japanese “Bo Peep” which included the first iteration of 7-member T-ara. Extra member Hwayoung’s presence here however won’t bother anybody, you’ll be lucky if you can even focus on her at all during this video’s rapid-fire cuts. At least the colours are consistently muted and pleasing and there’s some occasional boob bounce to focus on.
Front Line Assembly – Plasticity
Muted and consistent colours also save Front Line Assembly’s “Plasticity” from the realms of complete unwatchability, as do a welcome decision to use fades rather than hard cuts for many scenes. This is however mitigated by the excessive amounts of lightning-speed CGI graphic overlays, often cut at a rate of 16 frames to each (quite fast) bar of music. Good luck keeping your eyes focused let alone figuring out what the hell is going on.
ROUND 3: DIFFICULTY LEVEL – HARD
T-ara – Sugar Free (Big Room version)
With over 650 documented individual cuts, T-ara’s “Sugar Free” is one of the most notorious examples of their MV editor’s aesthetic sensibilities. The girls may look great but honestly nobody can tell with the cutting happening at this speed. I can’t fap to this because although when my cum shoots out of my balls I might be looking at Eunjung, by the time it hits the computer screen it’s probably switched over to Boram, and that’s just not right.
Front Line Assembly – Mindphaser (original 12″ mix)
One of the most innovative budget MVs ever made, “Mindphaser” superimposed members of Front Line Assembly over the action in Japanese mecha film Gunhed, creating a cool futuristic-looking cyberpunk-style video on the cheap. To make the effect seamless enough to make the group look like a believable part of the action, the MV director colour-matched beautifully – and then inserted even more cuts than “Sugar Free”, lucky us.
ROUND 4: DIFFICULTY LEVEL – EXTREME
T-ara – I Go Crazy Because Of You
T-ara’s stomping Autotuned Britney-Spears-on-steroids early hit was a full-tilt assault on the senses with a music video to match. The MV for “I Go Crazy Because Of You” is full of the usual trademark fast cuts, plus strobes and other garish lighting effects that make the group members almost undetectable by comparison despite the fact that they’re front and center in every single shot. Insert obvious joke about the song title being apt here.
Front Line Assembly – Iceolate
Front Line Assembly’s “Iceolate” doesn’t seem that jarring at first until you realise that half the cuts that have been inserted into the video aren’t really even of anything specifically identifiable and then your brain starts gradually turning into mush as it tries unsuccessfully to filter out the superfluous images. Oh and did I mention the ultra-fast cutting and hideous colour schemes because that’s also a thing here.
ROUND 5: DIFFICULTY LEVEL – OH FUCK THIS SHIT
T-ara – Day By Day (dance MV version)
Between all the cutting I noticed that T-ara dance in front of six windows in this video, a hint at the inevitable destiny of the once-8-piece group. This might seem profound of me but not really, I only noticed this shit because the windows were the only thing I could focus on as they don’t reflect the maddening constant strobe lights like everything else. How the hell the girls filmed this without blinking every time a light went off I have no idea, I’d personally be crying in a corner begging for the strobe machine to stop after a few takes. I guess it really is a difference in determination levels.
Front Line Assembly – The Blade (Technohead mix)
If you think a mostly black and white MV might make Front Line Assembly’s trademark light-speed cutting more watchable, think again. The harshness is unbearable plus it’s also very repetitive as they recycle the same footage over and over in this clip. Things don’t get any easier with the rare splashes of puke-infused colour. I don’t think I’ve ever felt any more grateful to be colour blind. Has anyone alive actually even seen this fucking video all the way through without skipping bits?
So I asked you all to vote on this using a Google Form. Wow, what a mistake that was! I didn’t get many responses, maybe about 100 or so, that part was fine but then some cao ni ma went and voted about 8,000 times (literally) for T-ara, presumably in an attempt to have their biases win. (Not sure if “winning” a competition of this sort is really something that a T-ara fan would actually want or be proud of, but T-ara fans are nothing if not rabid voting machines so I probably should have anticipated this.) “That’s okay, I’ll just delete the extra entries” I thought to myself – nope, the piece-of-shit software that is Google Forms won’t allow you to edit responses out of your data and have it reflected in the summary, because it stores all the survey data for the summaries in a separate data bank that you can’t change. I did a bit of research on this “undocumented feature” and apparently this is a bug that’s been in Google Forms since 2009 and is still there in 2015, which shows that Google really don’t give a mad-ass fuck about making their software actually work. Anyway sincere thanks to that cao ni ma who alerted me to this bug (which effectively renders surveys via Google Forms completely useless as anything more than a toy), before I actually used Google Forms for anything genuinely useful.
I still have the spreadsheet with your answers in it, but to make the summary actually work properly, I would have to manually re-enter all the data. Fuck that – doing that shit defeats the whole point of having a survey form to collect information in the first place! So rather than calculate it properly I’m just going to estimate the numbers for each response. Also, Google can lick my balls.
The following were the questions and their answers.
Question: Hi! How are you? Answer in as much or as little detail as applicable.
Always a mandatory question in my surveys, because I care. Most of you were good. I’m great, for those who asked! Quite a few of you were stressed out about study and such. The best response to this question however was easily the following:
I am happy you responded to me last time you made a survey but you misunderstood so the answer was not applicable, lol. I didn’t mean whore myself as in whore-whore. I meant whore as in sleeps around with boys but not for money, just for pleasure and self-hatred (because both can coexist). Oh and btw, I know you don’t care for I’m still going to write it: i didnt become a slut and also I didn’t get back together with my ex. I am just here, single, just kinda dating some boys and masturbating a lot. Why the fuck am I so horny lately, oppa? I am 19, not a thirteen year old boy ffs.
I’m really not sure why you’re horny. I’d suggest for you to read my blog more and maybe that would help, but that would probably be a lie. At least my fap posts can perhaps help with your masturbation regimen.
Question: Here is a picture of T-ara in nurse outfits:
The above picture is included so people don’t whine about not having any eye candy in this survey. Do you think that this strategy will be effective?
Answers were split about 50/50 between the two options, “Yes, I have faith that this strategy will be an effective counter to the cynicism of today’s young eye-candy-starved k-pop fans” and “No, it’s the Internet, people like to whine like entitled brats about shit that isn’t any concern of theirs. Why don’t the lazy caonimas just use Google Image Search?”.
ROUND 1: which video induced more eyestrain?
T-ara – Roly Poly vs Front Line Assembly – Virus
Front Line Assembly’s “Virus” ended up in front, but only by a few votes.
ROUND 2: which video had more jarring annoying cuts?
T-ara – Bo Peep Bo Peep (Japanese version) vs Front Line Assembly – Plasticity
T-ara was the clear winner here with “Bo Peep” collecting about two thirds of the vote.
ROUND 3: which video made you want to shove a knife into your eyeball for pain relief the most?
T-ara – Sugar Free (Big Room version) vs Front Line Assembly – Mindphaser (Original 12″ mix)
T-ara waltzed away with this one, taking about 75% of the votes with “Sugar Free”.
ROUND 4: last week someone in my city dived on a train track when the train was passing through and killed themselves. Which video makes you want to join him the most?
T-ara – I Go Crazy Because Of You vs Front Line Assembly – Iceolate
The result for this was too close to call, votes were spread almost perfectly 50/50.
ROUND 5: the inventor of the strobe light was Harold E. Edgerton who built the first strobes in 1931, he died suddenly in 1990. Which video makes you want to ressurect him from the grave just so you can kill him again, slower and more painfully?
T-ara – Day By Day (dance version) vs Front Line Assembly – The Blade (Technohead mix)
A very close race once again, with Front Line Assembly taking a strong early lead, but in the end T-ara had slightly more votes for their strobetastic “Day By Day” dance MV.
Question: How do you think other people will vote?
“They will just vote for any old shit because they can” – about 35%
“They will vote for T-ara because they are T-ara fans who like ticking boxes with T-ara songs next to them” – about 30%
“They will not vote for T-ara because they are T-ara fans who won’t want to criticise T-ara” – about 20%
“They will vote impartially and honestly based on their visual experience watching the MVs” – about 15%
Do you have epilepsy and are offended by this post? If so, you must be a hypocrite to have actually made it all the way through this post, after all my warnings, plus incredibly stupid to miss the point of it all. Feel free to share your worthless opinion about how offended you are below. Otherwise, feel free to use the text box below for something fun. Or don’t.
Most people wisely skipped this question, which was obviously a trap. However there were some good responses from those who chose to answer it. Here’s an educational one that I really appreciated, since Kpopalypse is all about education:
hahahahah i actually do have epilepsy and have had it for 11 years now, starting back when i was 8. lol im not offended. anyone who is spends far too much time on tumblr feeling sorry for themselves; trying to be the most special of the snowflakes. bless you.
flashing lights hardly ever cause seizures and are only bound to a certain type. which again is hardly ever. twerps online who tell you otherwise are baby’s who need a donkey nipple to nurse from.
Question: Did this post meet required standards of cuntiness?
About 55% of you said yes and the rest said you wanted more cuntiness.
Question: Be honest, did you even watch the non T-ara videos in this post?
Yes – about 10%
No – about 20%
I watched only a few seconds each so I could get the general idea of what you were on about, then I stopped watching – about 70%
Question: Thanks for doing this survey! I appreciate your feedback! Below is a text box for you to play with and do things, if you want to. Bye for now!
The following are ALL the responses I had to this last optional question (unless one or two dropped off due to the Google Form bug, which is possible). Enjoy!
|More competitions, please.|
|I think you’re probably aware of this but nobody sane is going to actually sit through all the videos. They’ll maybe watch a little bit of each video at best.Will you be revealing your bdsmtest.org results? It’d be nice if you and I were compatible.|
|Thanks for the survey!
T-ara is the group of queens of eye-dizziness!
|That last question. You know us, cao ni ma, you do know us.FLA are ok though, and I will use this space to brag about how I knew them before this post. Ha.|
|i only watched the T-ara videos though, who are those old dudes anyway?|
|If I watch these videos enough times, will I be able to see without my glasses?|
|You did a nice job of matching up equally terrifying videos against each other so that the groups can have a fair go at the dubious honor of winning this poll. That last video was a fucking masterpiece though, and I fear you’ll doom T-ara by releasing the results because when their video editor/Hyomin decides to one-up The Blade visually, no one will ever watch another T-ara video again, as they will go either blind or insane. Good on you, you ruined everyone’s fun.|
|I was once with my girl friends and we were talking about nails. And suddenly I ask, hey, which one of you has told me she has sharp nails that could cut a rope? No one had. And then I remembered it was actually some random blogger I read that had said that. Is this weird or what?
Also kpopalypse fans are called caonimas, not sluts, please get the facts straight.
|WHERE’S MY FUCKIN BORAM POST? YOU PROMISED YOU SICK FUCK!|
|Now that you’ve reminded me of T-ara’s videos I’ll go play with myself while watching the live performances of I go crazy because of you. Thanks for the article!|
|Wait, two text boxes to fill out whatever we want? That’s twice as many as I need.|
|– Mindphaser was cool but would have been better without the vocals. The same goes for the other FLA songs but I didn’t like them as much.– T-ara songs were less jarring because I had seen and listen to them many times before. Plus pop music is generally more palatable than industrial whateverthefuck.
– Sugar Free is a visual nightmare but it’s also a certified banger
– The Blade was some Guantanamo Bay shit.
– I like these challenges. Maybe a less painful one next time?
|you are like a freakin mind reader dude|
|thx for introducing me to front line assembly|
|i never saw day by day before and i actually laughed out loud when i realized the flashes weren’t going to stop|
|EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung EunJung|
|i love kpopalypse your posts is the funniest :3|
|((imagine I wrote the word dick in an appropiately big size with capital d, i, c and k letters respectively))|
|(This is actually only my 2nd time, but it’s true I did click random circles, because I “watched” only one of the non kpop videos regardless of what my answer to the above question says) Thank you….|
|bye gonna go rinse my eyes with acid|
|this was really funny. if anyone is offended by this post, please laugh extra hard at them for me. in fact, if you can, post any negative responses in another blogpost. i want to see if someone calls you an ableist pig lol|
|This box cant help me fapping, i know this bcuz i already tried|
|I felt pretty bad after I’ve watched “Virus”, I had to take a break to the next day (which is now, woah) to watch the rest. “Virus” was definitely the worst video for me to watch. Although “The Blade” was not enjoyable at all. At least when I watch T-ara’s videos I see pretty girls, that ease the pain. Except for “Day by Day”, blonde Jiyeon is NOT okay.Overall, a lot of quality music on one page. Thanks kpopalypse.|
|DON’T EVER MAKE ME WATCH FRONT LINE ASSEMBLY VIDEOS EVER AGAIN! The songs were good but the videos made me want to strangle my cat and my cat is hella cute btw.Kthanksbye.|
|Please do tonnes of review of EXO stuff cause I love to read about your suffering.|
|I always enjoy discovering new bands (and genres(!)), so this was a really fun post. Thank you.|
|༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ|
|I wonder if T-ara’s motif is femdom related; their video catalogue could be an exercise in orgasm denial. Puts another take on “Queens”|
|lol i didnt even watch the t-ara ones|
|Now I have a migraine. But I feel victorious at having conquered another Kpopalypse survey. Things even out.|
|P.S. Front Line Assembly is an assault on the senses. Literally. Ouch.|
|Thank you for making my internet experience more interactive and fun, also, could you please tell me happy bday?|
|nothing else to say. just that I love you senpai, xoxo.|
|I clicked Inspect Element and I fucked around with the coding to make this textbox a picture of a giraffe|
|ich habe lange und intensiv darüber nachgedacht. und bin zu dem Schluss gekommen auf deutsch zu schreiben. because why not.|
|lbr it’s not a t-ara video if you can get a decent screencap|
|holy fucking balls dude what kindda long fucking ass articles r these even the survey is long as fuck damn! im impressed it must take u forever to write this shit!|
Never ever ever never
Never ever ever never
비가 오다가 또 해가 뜬다
오늘 날씨도 참 내 맘과 같나봐
울었다 웃다 걷다가 뛰다
비가 오다가 또 해가 뜬다
오늘 날씨도 참 내 맘과 같나봐
흐렸다 맑다 눈물이 났다
아무렇지 않은 척해난 곰 같은 여자 벌써 네 행복을 빌어
I wanna be with you
but I will pray for you babynever ever 포기 못해요
never ever 나 이렇게
한 자 한 자 적어내잖아 네 이름을 또
never ever 숨으면 안돼
never ever 떠나지 마요
숨도 쉬지 못해 너 없인 1분 1초라도
Never ever ever never눈을 감았다가 떠보면 꿈 이였기를
빌고 빌다가 지쳐서 다시 잠들어
자꾸 자꾸 똑 같은 악몽
눈을 감았다가 떠보면 꿈 이였기를
빌고 빌다가 지쳐서 잠이 들다
다시 또 똑같이 반복돼
제발 날 내버려둬난 곰 같은 여자 벌써 네 행복을 빌어
I wanna be with you
but I will pray for you babynever ever 포기 못해요
never ever 나 이렇게
한 자 한 자 적어내잖아 네 이름을 또
never ever 숨으면 안돼
never ever 떠나지 마요
숨도 쉬지 못해 너 없인 1분 1초라도미련하지만 그런 여잔걸 네가 알잖아
그러니 제발 마지막 부탁 이것만 들어
혹시나 마주친다면 널 잊지 못하는 내게
보란듯이 날 향해 웃어주겠니
never ever 포기 못해요
(Ready?) 일어나서 양치하기
(baby i love you)
네 입술에 입맞추기
(baby i love you)
i love you, you love me
i don’t know i don’t know
oh oh oh oh baby
Jiyeon solo comeback or riot
|You have a wonderful day!|
|( o ) ( o )vs
( . Y . )
|dick dick weiner|
Oh and here’s my BDSM.org test results for those who were curious. Thanks for reading, cao ni mas!