That’s right folks, it’s Kpopalypse fanfiction time again! This post is dedicated to those who wonder why Kpopalypse doesn’t write “sexy” fanfiction.
In truth, the reason why I don’t write sex fanfics is because that’s what everybody else does. You can read that kind of stuff in many other sites dedicated to fanfiction. However, the constant questions got me thinking – if I were to write a fanfiction that focused on sexual themes, how would I do it? Read on and find out – if you dare!
It’s a hard life being a male online feminist k-pop activist. Nobody really understands you.
When people find out about your hobby of writing pro-feminist posts deconstructing the gender issues surrounding k-pop, they always react negatively. When you tell someone who doesn’t know or care much about k-pop about it, they look at you with disdain – “it’s just pop music, why are you wasting your life with this?”, they say. On the other hand guys who do care about k-pop think that you’re a virgin who is in denial. “You sad fuck, you’ll come around to fapping to Girl’s Day eventually”, that’s the typical kind of comment. Or they call you “whipped” and make comments like “which girl is making you write this bullshit”. However girls certainly aren’t, and they are in fact even more cynical about your hobby than the guys! You thought that being an online feminist would gain the admiration and respect of females but oddly the reverse is true – they’re all convinced that you’re a slimy sleazeball just itching to get inside their pants. You know this isn’t true… well, okay, you would like to fuck some of them, but that’s just coincidental, it’s not why you’re doing it. You just care about society and social issues. I supposed you could say that you’re a “social justice warrior” – but what’s wrong with fighting for social justice? You never understood why people use that term as an insult. It hurts that girls hate you for what you’re doing but you’ll continue to fight for their rights to be respected and not objectified. Maybe they’ll thank you for it one day.
There you were, sitting at home just before bedtime putting the finishing touches on a new forum thread “Why Gain Is Classy And Hyuna Is A Slut part 15” (tl;dr – “Hyuna shakes her tits but Gain makes art that raises questions”) when you notice the red bubble at the top of the forum that denotes a new private message. This is exciting – people don’t private message you very often. You open up the message, it’s from fellow forum user PinkPandaLuv, a user who friended you on the forums a couple months ago and has been one of your few active supporters since, occasionally liking and upvoting your posts:
Of all the criticisms that you receive for your online activity (and there are many), the one that always burns the most is the occasional observation that you’re an “armchair critic”. It stings because it’s true – so far you haven’t really done anything about the ills of the k-pop world except post about it online. Mind you it’s not from a lack of will, more just that you wouldn’t even really know where to start with any kind of on-the-ground activism. It all makes this offer very appealing, and what a perfect way to silence the critics who say that people who care about k-pop never actually do anything about it! You get back to PinkPandaLuv immediately:
A minute later, another red bubble at the top of your forum page, PinkPandaLuv has replied:
You log off and go to bed, smiling to yourself at the thought of finally making a tangible difference in the unfair and cruel world of k-pop.
The next night, you’re browsing the forums again before bedtime, checking out the replies that came through for “Why Gain Is Classy And Hyuna Is A Slut part 15”. It’s the usual mixed bag of replies that you normally get whenever you make a post, mostly negative:
Seohyunfap666 – This post is ignorant. It’s not like these idols have any choice, these girls do this because they are paid to. You can’t blame the companies either. They’re just giving people what they want, and people are biologically programmed to want tits and ass.
4niacation – I’m a woman and I like dancing to 4Minute, I take offense to the idea that I’m “dancing slutty”. Hyuna is a powerful and rich woman who is doing what she wants. You’re just jealous because she could buy you. I bet you never get laid by anyone as good looking as her in your life, you fucking loser.
Eunjigod – I think this post is alright. I’m sick of the sexy concepts.
Imeanitman – Gain might “make art that raises questions” but I’m still fapping to the answers.
PinkPandaLuv – Preach! There’s not enough voices of reason out there in the k-pop community! We’re not all disgusting pervs!
Yoloswag420 – Too many words, you just should have written “I like fapping to rape more than I like fapping to dancing” and left it at that.
All of a sudden you notice not one but two private messages come through. Wow, you’ve pretty sure you’ve never had two private messages sitting unread in your inbox ever! Are taking a quick screencap of the red dot with the number “2” in it for posterity, you open them. The first one is just a short message from PinkPandaLuv:
The other post has a document attached for printout, which is a guide and schedule of the day’s activities.
It’s all so exciting – it’s actually happening this weekend! You’ll definitely be there to make a difference. This news completely cheers you up after all those negative online comments. You print out the schedule and go to bed, counting the days.
On Sunday, you wake up bright and early, a lot earlier than you’re used to. You had trouble sleeping anyway, with the excitement of the big day weighing on your mind and keeping your thoughts active. You put on some warm clothes and head on down to the SM Entertainment building.
Such an imposing structure, it makes you feel weak and ineffectual. The niggling feeling that maybe this protest is pointless starts creeping up on you, especially as you’re a little bit too early and nobody is here yet. Then you feel something on your shoulder.
“Hi are you from the forum?” a voice says. You turn around to see a group of six skinny guys in their teens and early twenties, holding schedules which are exactly like the one that you’re holding. The one who is talking to you, a skinny teenager with coke-bottle glasses, carries a small cardboard sign with “NO NUTS 4 SLUTS” written on it.
“Yes! Are you PinkPandaLuv?”, you reply.
He looks disappointed. “No. I thought maybe you were, since you’re here early.”
You shrug. “I haven’t seen him. Do you know what he looks like?”
“No idea. I’m Eunjigod by the way, pleased to meet you.” Eunjigod extends a glove-covered palm and you shake hands briefly.
One of the other members of the group interjects, a chubby guy in his mid 20s. “You know, that’s a terrible slogan. ‘No nuts 4 sluts?’ What does that even mean?”
Eunjigod looks angry. “At least I made a sign, fatass. I don’t see your sign, all I see is your fat rolls.”
“Hey, don’t objectify me! We’re supposed to be anti-objectification!” the guy retorts.
“But you are fat, that’s a physical truth.”
“Well your slogan is shit, that’s a physical truth.”
“I’ll admit it’s not the best slogan but I couldn’t think up anything better in a hurry that was catchy. At least it’ll get attention. That’s what we’re trying to do, right?”
The other guy has no comeback for this and Eunjigod smiles to himself. In the meantime a few more people have worked out where the protest is and joined the group, there’s now about fifteen of you. Somebody notices that it’s now 8:30 AM and blows on a vuvuzela, signalling that the protest has commenced. Everybody stares at each other, waiting for someone to do something. It becomes quickly evident just from looking around, without anyone saying a word, that nobody has done this before or knows what to do at a protest rally. You have a little bit of an idea, having seen protests on TV. “Erm… does anyone have a protest slogan? Aren’t we supposed to chant things?” you ask.
Immediately, Eunjigod starts chanting “NO NUTS 4 SLUTS! NO NUTS 4 SLUTS!” over and over. Several other people in the group facepalm and cringe but eventually “no nuts 4 sluts” becomes a chant by the whole group, simply because nobody else seems to have any other ideas. It feels good to chant something in unison with a group of like-minded people, even though you’re still not entirely sure what “no nuts 4 sluts” actually means, and you’re not sure if anyone else in the group does either, including the person who thought it up. Oh well, at least the people inside SM Entertainment HQ can see that some people are angry outside, maybe it’s making a difference somehow. Who can tell?
Later that day, the protest group is gathered around the Chrome Entertainment building.
“Why are we here? Crayon Pop don’t have sexy concepts?”, Eunjigod asks.
“Bob Girls”, someone replies.
“Ahh, of course. How did I forget those whores.” Eunjigod nods.
“Fuck I’m starving, when’s lunch?” asks someone else in the crowd.
You look at your schedule. “We’ve got FNC/MBK after this, then a lunch break.”
“Okay, let’s get to it. What about NO OBJECTIFICATION! NO OBJECTIFICATION! NO OBJECTIFICATION!” Eunjigod starts chanting, but nobody joins in, everyone else just looks at him.
“Sorry, but… how do you pronounce that?” someone asks. Everyone else listens closely to Eunjigod, trying to ascertain the pronunciation, but are struggling as he’s saying the word slightly differently each time.
Eunjigod continues chanting – “NO OBJECTIFICATION! NO OBJETIFICATION! NO OBOJETIFICATION! NO… ” then stops and sighs. “Okay, I’m getting tripped up on my words. Maybe this isn’t the best word to use. Does anyone know of a word that means the same thing as ‘objectification’ but has less syllables and is easier to say?”
Blank looks from everybody.
Eunjigod is determined. “Okay fine… what about… LESS SEXY, MORE CUTE! LESS SEXY MORE CUTE! LESS SEXY, MORE CUTE!” Everyone in the group starts joining in, chanting “less sexy, more cute”. However not all the protestors seem to be aware of where the phrase starts and ends, so it’s a bit of a muddle.
Eventually someone in the group yells “Wait! Stop!”
“What is it?” Eunjigod is clearly unhappy about getting his chant interrupted.
“Why are we chanting ‘cute less, sexy more’?”
“No, it’s ‘less sexy, more cute’, that’s what it is, don’t get it twisted!” shouts Eunjigod.
“I thought you were chanting ‘sexy more, cute less?”, asks someone else.
You interrupt: “Honestly, it’s a bit hard to tell where that one begins and ends. It’s easy to mishear. Do you have anything less confusing?”
“Fine then!” Eunjigod exclaims, and starts chanting “NO NUTS 4 SLUTS! NO NUTS 4 SLUTS!”. The rest of the group groan and reluctantly start to join in when they are interrupted by the brief switching on and off of a loud police siren. You’ve all been so busy arguing with each other that nobody has noticed the large police presence that has surrounded the group, consisting of several squad cars, a large police van and at least twelve officers. A female cop wearing mirrored sunglasses and a motorcycle helmet approaches you.
“You people don’t have city permission to operate this protest.” she says, readying her handcuffs.
You remember the messages you were sent. “Yes we do!”
“No you don’t. Turn around please.”
The officer swings you around and cuffs your hands behind your back. You comply with the officer – you wanted to protest peacefully, you definitely didn’t sign up for any police trouble. You then watch as the other members of the protest are also cuffed. “It was PinkPandaLuv who got council permission, which one of you is him?” you ask to the others. Everybody looks at each other, shrugging. Nobody can find him, or seems to know who he is.
“She emailed me the documents, I’ve got them in my jacket!” says a cuffed Eunjigod. The officer who cuffed you walks over to Eunjigod and removes a piece of paper from his jacket, unfolds it and looks at it, then puts it in her back pocket a few seconds later.
“Thanks for those. Okay, everybody into the van, let’s go!” says the officer as she gestures toward the large police van. You follow the officer into the van and sit down. The van has just enough seats to accomodate the entire group, plus the female officer who arrested you. It’s a tight squeeze, and feels claustrophobic because the heavily tinted windows don’t allow much natural light to get inside. Once everybody is inside the van, it starts moving slowly.
“This isn’t right, we have permission!” yells Eunjigod. The officer takes out her truncheon and taps Eunjigod lightly on the head as a warning. Eunjigod gets the hint and becomes quiet.
This is new territory for you. You’ve never been arrested. “Excuse me officer?” you ask. The officer looks at you. “What’s going to happen now?”
The officer says nothing, but instead removes her mirrored sunglasses and looks at you. Suddenly she looks oddly familiar… but where from? She puts her fingers up to her lips, gesturing for you to be silent. Given that she’s still holding the truncheon in the other hand, you figure that’s a good idea. All of a sudden, you notice something. The police van has stopped, less than one minute after starting. The officer puts her sunglasses back on and exits out the rear exit, then closes the door behind you. With the vehicle not motionless and no police now in the rear section of the van, everybody stands up and starts looking out the windows.
“This isn’t a police station.” someone says.
“It’s not?” you reply.
“We’re around the back of a building. I don’t know what building it is… but I don’t see any police cars.”
You look out the windows, it’s so dark that it takes a while to discern anything at all, but once your eyes adjust it becomes clear that you’re in a parking lot behind a building and there’s just a few normal cars here, definitely no police vehicles. You start looking around for a clue as to where you might have been taken, but it obviously isn’t far from the front of the Chrome building as you were only moving for about a minute. You can see the officer in the carpark, she’s talking to another female officer, dressed exactly the same, even with the same sunglasses and police motorcycle helmet. No police motorbike in sight however. There’s a back entrance in the distance with something written on it, but you can’t see it very well, so you start squinting at it in case it contains a clue. It’s difficult to read through the strong tinted windows which severely darken everything, and then suddenly starts becoming even more difficult to read, kind of foggy actually. Then you realise that the fog isn’t on the outside of the van but on the inside. That’s the last thing you remember.
You wake up. You’re in a large room, some kind of gymnasium, you’re sitting down on a chair. The lights are off but you can still see your immediate surroundings well enough as your eyes become adjusted as there’s a very small amount of ambient light coming from somewhere behind you that you can’t see. The chair is wooden and it hurts your back a little, also the part you’re sitting on has a hole in it which your ass sinks through, it’s uncomfortable. Your arms are tied behind your back, you can still feel the handcuffs digging into the sides of your wrists, and your feet are also tied to the chair legs. You look around, all the other members of the protest group are with you. They’re also tied to chairs of their own. You notice that they are all gagged, which then leads you to realise that you are also gagged. You’re all sitting in an orderly semi-circle of chairs which would look almost quaint if you were there by choice. You notice that the chairs aren’t just wooden, there’s some kind of wires hanging off them. The wires have two little pads on the end, but they aren’t attached to anything, they are just hanging down. There’s also some lights attached to the wires. Most of the group is awake. You all look at each other, unable to talk or move but you can tell by the eyes of everyone in the room that they are panic-striken. Nobody else is in the room, it is eerily quiet.
A light goes on. It’s blinding. Someone else has entered the gym, you can hear footsteps behind you. It sounds like more than one person. Someone walks right up to you, behind your back. You can feel their breath on you. Then you can feel someone touching your face, someone has attached one of the pad things to your neck, just under your jawline and off to one side. You turn around and it’s…
AOA’s Choa… in a onesie? She smiles at you and presses on the electrode to make sure that it’s firmly fixed. She then moves around to your front, sits on the gym floor, unzips your pants, grabs another wire with a pad attached, pulls down your underwear and places it on the shaft of your penis with workmanlike nonchalance. You feel incredibly awkward – women aren’t supposed to act like this! She then moves onto the next person in the semi-circle and performs the same procedure, attaching the pads to their jaw and their genitals. Once all sixteen members including yourself are accounted for (since everyone is sitting in an orderly fashion you’re finally able to count them properly) Choa sits on the floor in front of you.
“Okay, it’s on, let’s test it!” shouts a female voice behind you. You’re not able to turn around far enough to see who it is.
Choa starts making cute aegyo-faces at you, in her onesie. You look down at her – she’s so adorable! After a few seconds a green light attached to the wire plugged into your jaw electrode comes on. Choa looks at the light, then slides over to the front of the next person and continues to do the same aegyo one by one, for each other person in the room. Everybody’s lights go on.
“We’re all working!” says Choa, to the person behind you at the back of the gym.
“Great! Now let’s try the other one!”, she replies.
Choa strips off her onesie to reveal some tight jeans and a crop-top, and starts posing for a few seconds in front of you, while maintaining eye contact.
Try as you might to resist, you feel an involuntary stirring in your loins. After a few seconds, a red light attached to the wire leading to your genitals illuminates. Choa observes the red light and moves onto the next person, repeating the procedure. Everybody’s red lights go on… except Eunjigod. Choa looks Eunjigod up and down, and Eunjigod looks more panicked than ever.
“We’ve got a faulty machine” says Choa.
“Swap it out for another one. It might not be the machine!”, comes the reply.
Choa removes the electronic contraption from Eunjigod’s penis and walks over to you with it. “Hey, you worked well before, you can test this one too.” she says to you, while attaching the electrode. Choa then starts waving her ass at you, and you feel your erection stirring again. Choa then looks at the red light, which illuminates quickly. She talks again to the back of the room: “You’re right, the machine is fine! What do we do?”
“Well there’s no point having him here, is there?” comes the disembodied voice.
“I guess he’s sealed his fate right out of the gate, hasn’t he.” Choa scratches her head.
“Bring him over here, we’ll take care of it. In the meantime, let’s get things set up properly and we’ll tidy the gym up a bit.”
Choa takes the extra machine that she took from Eunjigod away from you. She then unties Eunjigod’s feet, stands him up, and walks him to the back of the room. Eunjigod tries to struggle, but having been confined for so long his legs collapse with weakness. Choa pulls him back up and continues walking him, muttering in his ear something that you’re too far away to hear, until they’re both out of your vision range. You wonder what is happening to Eunjigod – is it good or bad? Will your fate be better or worse than his?
More footsteps approach from behind, several people. You look around, it’s all the other members of AOA! You watch them as they go about their business, ignoring you and the other people tied to the chairs. They’re moving stacks of chairs around, they start laying out chairs behind you in rows, one girl stack some tarps in a corner, another is laying down a bunch of rubber mats in front of you. Once they’re done, Seolhyun and Mina walk right in front of you and the others and lay down a large clump of green and purple plastic. Seolhyun feels around for a valve and starts blowing into the plastic, inflating it. It’s a slow process, but the plastic clump gradually takes the shape of a large inflatable pool.
“Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve had to blow something this much to get what I want!”, says Seolhyun.
“Usually when you blow things, they deflate!”, smirks Mina.
They both laugh and test the pool for firmness, then the members of AOA gradually finish tidying and all leave the room. The last girl to leave turns out the lights. You and the other protestors are still captive, tied to your chairs, sitting in the dark.
About what feels like an hour later, you’re still sitting in the dark, when you hear the gym door open again behind you. You hear footsteps moving toward you, but the lights remain off. You then hear the sound of plastic bowls being placed under everyone’s feet – bedpans. You guess the cleaners realise that even tied-up prisoners need to go to the toilet sometime. “You’ve got five minutes, then I’ll come back to collect!” says a female voice before scuttling back towards the gym door and closing it behind her. Everybody does their best to relieve themselves for the next five minutes, in the dark. The smell is revolting.
Five minutes later the lady returns and collects the bedpans. You then feel something at your back, she is putting something in your hands. Two things – something sharp and metallic, and also a piece of paper. You assume the paper is a note, but you have no way to read what’s on it because you can’t bring your hands up to your face, plus it’s too dark to read anyway. The sharp object is long and pointy, perhaps it’s a lockpick? The lady didn’t say anything. You wonder if sound in the room is being recorded.
You play around with the lockpick and try to get it inside the lock of the handcuffs. It takes you about ten minutes to work out an optimal position where you can manipulate the pointy metal thing inside the lock, but once you get it properly inside, you manage to pick the lock in about 30 seconds. Cheap handcuffs maybe? You bring your hands around to your sides in relief, and look at the handcuffs… they’re not high quality, the sort of cuffs one might use for theatre rather than police work. You quickly untie your legs and are just about to remove your gag, when you hear the door open. You place your hands behind your back again and do your best to keep them locked together so hopefully it doesn’t show that your handcuffs are unlocked. The lights go on.
Several people enter the room from behind you, it sounds like 50, maybe 100 people, maybe more. They are all excited and having conversations, although it’s hard to discern exactly what they’re saying, you manage to pick up some key details:
- There’s an event happening soon that everyone really wants to see
- AOA are involved somehow
- Quite a large amount of money is exchanging hands in the form of bets
- You and the other captives are part of the event too, but exactly how isn’t clear
A bell rings and the lights dim. A spotlight shines at the front of the gym, and Choa appears.
Choa smiles, bows, and then begins a chirpy narration.
“Hello everybody and welcome to the third season of FNC/MBK Jelly Wrestling! Everybody please be sitting comfortably! The show will start shortly!”
Some shuffling can be heard as everyone standing quickly finds a seat. Choa continues:
“We at AOA are very happy to be rematching with T-ara for our third season! Members of AOA will face off against T-ara members in one-on-one battles, and then later two-on-two and free-for-all jelly battles for your entertainment! Just a few words before we begin for those of you who are new to FNC/MBK Jelly Wrestling. Please no smoking in the FNC/MBK gymnasium as some jelly compounds are flammable. Be sure to turn off your mobile phones and all electronic devices once the event starts. No photographs under any circumstance, security will confiscate cameras, however you can purchase official signed photographs after the event. Please refrain from standing so everyone can see the match-up, vision will also be projected against the wall for those at the back. Also a kind word to our sponsors, team AOA are sponsored by A Pieu cosmetics and team T-ara are sponsored by Nene Chicken. Please enjoy these sponsored messages and support them! Fighting! Jimin, please pour the jelly!”
Advertisements for A Pieu cosmetics and Nene Chicken are projected onto the rear wall as AOA’s Jimin appears, wheeling a large drum full of jelly. She positions the jelly drum to the side of the inflatable pool and turns a valve at the bottom, releasing red and purple jelly streams into the pool. Choa continues:
“Just a note that FNC/MBK care for the sustainability of your environment and our jelly is 100% recyclable bio-organic material. Also please note the unfortunate souls at the front of the stage. These hardened criminals were picked up rioting and conspiring to commit various obscene and unspeakable crimes in front of our offices because they don’t approve of our sexy images, and as a responsible corporation FNC/MBK will hand them over to the authorities for severe punishment after the event. However as FNC/MBK is a benevolent corporation who loves those who love us completely, we will forgive them and give them a free pardon if they are willing to fap until orgasm during the jelly battle. Jimin, please allow each member one free hand so they may commence fapping at their leisure.”
Jim walks up to one of the tied-up protestors and asks them something that you can’t hear. She then goes around to the back of the person’s chair, undoes their handcuffs, and then re-handcuffs one of their hands to the chair leg, leaving the other hand free. She moves across doing this, gradually moving closer and closer to you. You realise that once she sees you she’s going to realise straight away that your handcuffs are already unlocked and that your legs are untied, and she’ll just tie you back up, there’ll be no escape after that, and you’re not fapping to AOA – you must keep your online credibility intact! You wanted to slip out quietly before but it’s too late for that, so you plan to make a sudden break for it when she reaches you.
Choa continues: “Note that while FNC/MBK is not a registered gambling association, you are able to place bets electronically online for this event with our business partners. We will give you a few minutes now to do this before we begin if you wish and have not yet done so, as electronic devices will need to be off once the battles commence. To view odds and place your bets, just go to your smartphone and…”
Choa’s narration is interrupted by Jimin staring at you in the face.
“Left or right hand?” asks Jimin, in a whisper.
You are confused. “Sorry?”
“Do you fap with your left or right hand? I need to know which one to unlock.”
“Oh, either is good. I’m ambifapstrous.”
You raise both your hands up to her face. Jimin recoils in shock as it’s immediately obvious that your hands are untied. “What the fuck?” she screams. You push her head back, making her fall over, quickly pull up your pants and make a run for the rear exit. Everyone is so surprised that nobody follows or stops you as you sprint out the rear door, and down a long corridor.
You look behind you. Nobody is after you yet but surely it’s only a matter of time before Jimin is on your tail. However you don’t even know where you are, you need to find an exit. You try a random door and walk in. It’s a room full of telephone operators. They seem mainly distracted, you can hear them chatter about a “T-ara anti situation” and a “code red” but it doesn’t sound like it’s anything to do with you. You take the gag out of your mouth as discreetly as possible and walk through the room calmly as if you’re meant to be there, and quietly go out through a door on the other side. You find yourself in another, identical corridor. You run through and try another random room. There’s nothing in this room except bare bricks walls, a chair… and Areum.
You thought Areum’s time with MBK was over long ago. “What are you doing here?” you ask.
“Get back, you freak! What are YOU doing here?” says Areum, raising her hand, motioning you to stay back.
“I just want to get out of here. How do I get out of here?”, you ask.
“Oh. Are you having bad thoughts too?”, Areum asks.
You are confused. “What?”
“This is the ‘bad thoughts’ room. We get sent here if we think bad things. The walls make the thoughts go away. Thoughts are ephemeral and untrustworthy, yet the brick is clean and steadfast. We go here to become like the brick, solid and unshakeable.”
You are even more confused. “WHAT?”
“A brick can deflect heat, or it can keep you warm. A brick can stop handgun bullets, or it can become more deadly than a bullet. In a world of shifting shades and colours, the function of the brick is absolute.”
She’s making no sense to you at all. You run out of the room the way you came in, and back down the corridor. You can hear the panting of someone chasing you, maybe it’s Jimin, catching up. You quickly run into the first door that you come across, and close it behind you – no time to be strategic about it. Your heart sinks as you realise you’re in a dressing room. Boram is here, looking somewhat bemused that you’ve just entered… but not shocked. In fact, if anything she looks like she was expecting you.
“Oh hello”, she says, smiling at you. “Hello!” she says again in a squeaky high voice, as she moves the plush toy in her hand, suggesting that it too has a voice. “Aren’t you going to say hello back?” Boram asks you in a normal voice.
“Hello. Sorry! Ummm…” you don’t know what to say. This is not where you wanted to be.
“Also say hello to my little friend. You don’t want to insult him. He gets angry, especially when someone comes into our dressing room unannounced while we’re preparing for jelly wrestling!” Boram waves the plush at you.
“Oh um… hi. Sorry to barge in!”. Fuck, this is awkward. Why is she being so weird? “I’ll just leave…”
There’s a knock at the door you just entered. “Hey, open up!” It’s Jimin. You can’t leave now, this door is the only exit.
“I think you should hide behind the couch”, says Boram in a high voice, as if from the plush toy.
“Okay… thank you, thank you…” you say as you bow and scuttle behind the couch and lay down.
“Come in!” says Boram to Jimin behind the door.
You can hear the door open, but you can’t see anything except Boram and Jimin’s feet under the gap between the lounge and the floor. “Hey Boram, what’s up?”, says Jimin as they greet.
“Not much Jimin, what’s up with you?”
“Some ugly nerd boy escaped the jelly wrestling fap chair.”
“Gosh, that’s inconvenient. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, the show must go on, you know. But we want to find him, obviously. We can’t have word getting out. Have you seen him?”
“I don’t know… what does he look like?”
“Kinda greasy and ugly. Trust me, you’ll know him if you met him.”
“I don’t know Jimin, there’s more than one greasy ugly guy around here!”
The girls share a laugh. “Well, let me know if you do. And keep your phone close, okay? Who knows what he’s capable of. He’s one of those creepy social justice people, he’s probably a rapist in denial or something.”
“Don’t worry, Boram knows how to take care of herself.”
Jimin shuts the door. Boram waits for a while. After 20 seconds or so pass, Boram says “okay, you can come out. Don’t worry, nobody will come in here without knocking”.
You emerge from behind the couch and stand up. “Thank you so much. You probably saved my life!”
Boram smiles. “Hey, think nothing of it. Say, you look thirsty. Why don’t you get yourself a drink? There’s some spring water in the fridge.” She motions to the fridge.
“Thank you!” You walk over and open the fridge.
“Don’t forget the ice! It’s in the freezer!”, says Boram, this time in her high-pitched plush voice.
As you pour yourself a glass of water, Boram turns in the TV in the dressing room. It’s a closed circuit TV, it’s broadcasting the jelly wrestling happening a few rooms away. You look briefly at the screen. AOA’s Choa and T-ara’s Jiyeon are both wearing white t-shirts and fighting it out in a one-on-one battle. Boram flicks a button on her remote, it changes her TV to a different CCTV feed, this one showing the corridor outside her room. You can see Jimin, going from door to door, asking people if they have seen you. After a few seconds Boram flicks it back to the jelly wrestling.
“Don’t worry, she won’t find you”, Boram says casually.
You open the freezer to put some ice in your drink. There is an ice factory, and next to it is a large brown lump which takes a little while for you to recognise properly. After a few second you figure out that it’s a human head.
Boram continues. “You know who else she won’t find? PinkPandaLuv. She’s been looking for him for the last 20 minutes as well, but Boram’s much smarter than Jimin. Boram knows all the tricks. When we have our jelly fight later tonight, Jimin’s sure going to be rattled! That’ll be funny as fuck, I bet she slips over a hundred times.”
You turn around, Boram is pointing a silenced handgun at you, there is definitely no escape – if you try and run she will cut you down before you reach the door. You put your hands up. As you put your hands up, you notice something that you weren’t conscious of until now – the note that you were slipped earlier today is still scrunched up and sitting between your fingers, unread. You open it up.
“You can put your hands back down. I know you’re unarmed, I’ve seen enough of you on the CCTV to know that. Sit down and watch jelly wrestling with me”, Boram waves the gun, motioning for you to sit on the other side of the couch. You sit down slowly and carefully. On the CCTV Choa is straddling Jiyeon and mashing her face with handfuls of jelly. Boram points to the screen. “People don’t appreciate the aesthetics of a good jelly wrestling match. Sure, it’s all scripted – why wouldn’t it be? But if we have Choa on the bottom and Jiyeon on top then most of the audience don’t get to see Choa’s ass, and if Jiyeon is on top then her tits get less jelly on them and that isn’t good either. Everything at MBK is planned, it’s planned out to the fucking last shot, the last angle, the last ring on a pinky finger, the last colour on a sock or a leg bracelet. We get right inside your head, so we can deliver you the most finely honed, perfectly executed fap material, and we take great pleasure and pride in doing this, and spreading happiness to millions of people around the world. Nothing is ever by accident, ever. And then we’ve got people like PinkPandaLuv, and like yourself, and your friends there in the front row, who just don’t appreciate our hard work, or AOA’s hard work, and think this is just all random sluttiness. You know, I personally find that insulting, that people would crusade against what we’re trying to do.”
“But doesn’t objectification bother you?”, you ask.
Boram waves the gun at you. “See this gun? It fires bullets. A bullet is an object. If I fire a bullet at you, like this…” – Boram pulls the trigger and shoots you in the kneecap – “…then it hurts, right? Are you not in immense pain right now?” You wince and nod as the pain sends you to the floor, clutching your knee which is trickling large amounts of blood onto the carpet.
“That’s because the bullet, which is an object, hits you, which is another object. If you weren’t an object, you would have nothing to fear from the bullet, because it would just pass straight through your non-object self. Therefore as you are obviously affected by the bullet, I have proven that you are an object. Objectification is not only the truth of humanity, but the truth of k-pop. MBK is a good place, which uses good objects. We’re working hard, using our objectification prowess to bring humanity that one step closer to heaven. We all would want to go to heaven or something like it one day, wouldn’t we?”
You look up at Boram. You’re in unbelievable pain and have long since stopped focusing on her argument. She’s kind of cute in a weird way, actually. You’re suddenly conscious of a flashing green light… the electrode under your jaw is still attached, in the panic you forgot to remove it.
Boram looks at the light and smiles, pointing the gun at your face this time. “I think we are starting to understand each other. Do you think our friendship can last?”
You haven’t got the nerve to ask her if this is a trick question.
Want to know what happens next? Click here for part 2!