It seems more and more people are becoming fans of Kpopalypse, and naturally I’m very flattered. I got quite a few questions recently about if I have a fanclub, and what it should be called, etc. so to fulfil demand in the official absence of any such thing, I’ve decided to make my own official fandom, the Caonimas!
Fans of Kpopalypse = Caonimas
The history of the phrase “Cao Ni Ma” in k-pop comes from Sulli. Support freedom by supporting Sulli, and be thankful for her contribution to the Kpopalypse lexicon. Here is a picture of Sulli teaching my English readers how to embrace the way of the Caonima.
Colours are very controversial in k-pop, you can’t be too careful these days about choosing your colour correctly or you might just pick someone else’s colour and that group’s fandom will have a big old cry and mail you a bunch of toilet paper. This could be useful in countries where toilet paper is expensive, but where I live I get pretty good deals on bulk-buying toilet paper so I will do my best not to step on any sensitive toes and pick my fandom colours appropriately.
Colour 1: Shiny Jizz White
Colour 2: Pink Areola Dark
I wanted to pick colours that really captured the spirit of what it means to be a Caonima, and I think that Shiny Jizz White and Pink Areola Dark really represent what my fandom should be all about. These colour samples were created with the help of JAV actress Hitomi Tanaka and Photoshop’s useful crop and resize facility, so you can be assured that these colours are 100% accurate.
It’s important to get a unique-looking lightstick, because once again you can’t be too careful – copying another fandom’s lightstick could lead to immense butthurt. Fortunately, these prototype Caonima lightsticks in the two fandom colours don’t look like anything else in the k-pop fandom right now and shouldn’t create any butthurt whatsoever – at least, not if using the correct water-based lubricant.
These exact models and colours may be difficult to find, so feel free to improvise and make your own!
Fandom code of conduct
We all know it’s true – behaviour is a big problem in k-pop fandoms, with many fandom members acting like such a bunch of worthless cunts that even the groups that they idolise can’t fucking tolerate them. Therefore, I feel that a virtuous and robust moral code is essential. All Caonimas seeking moral guidance are strongly encouraged to take up the faith of Rainaism. Clicking the divine Raina below will lead to my Rainaism post that will help you learn more about this fascinating religion.
The rules of Rainaism can certainly be a bit murky and contradictory at times, but feel free to do what followers of any other organised religion often do and just cherry-pick the parts of the religion that suit you the most and discard the rest. Just do the world a favour and don’t blow anyone up or wave around any embarrassing signs saying “Raina hates fags” in my name, thanks.
Approved Caonima activities to increase your Caonima Unit of Numerical Trufax include:
- Reading Kpopalypse’s writing
- Not believing every piece of bullshit you read on some dicksucking k-pop website
- Reading lists with dumb activity suggestions in them
Anyone achieving a score of 100% has certainly achieved true Caonima status, but if not don’t worry, you’re all already at least 50% of the way there! Truly, my fandom is one where no Caonima is left behind.
That Sulli clone already got given the boot from Berry Good and Minx have been suspiciously quiet as well with no follow up tracks, so who knows how long they will last with their current lineup. This means that f(x)’s Sulli remains the One True Caonima mascot for now.
Just like Coke, Jim Dunlop Cry Baby and Fleshlight, the original cao ni ma is the best.
We all know that fandoms like their One True Partnerships. Are you as a Caonima looking to ship Kpopalypse with someone? I suggest shipping me with the following people, in the following order of preference (from “ship most likely to come in” to “shipwrecked”):
- My actual girlfriend
- Hitomi Tanaka
- Any hot ex-girlfriends or girls in real life that I wanted to fuck but didn’t
- Maria Ozawa
- Shione Cooper
- Wakabe Onoue
- This list from 1-10
- This list from 7-9
- Every other girl in the media ever
- Your mum (unless she’s a hot ex-girlfriend in which case she falls into that category)
- Sarah Jessica Parker
Last but not least, all fandoms need to have some outstanding hypocritical and stupid behaviour about them, or they’re not really fandoms. Although I don’t think I can match the stupidity of SS501 fans, I can at least be a bit meta-hypocritical:
Yes he is, Thoughtful Raina! I get called a hypocrite at least twice a week by just about everyone for reasons that run the full spectrum from “you like Apink” to “you don’t like Apink”, so it’s become a label that’s firmly in my comfort zone and I’m quite happy to run with it. It’s lucky for me that my writing doesn’t need to be ideologically consistent for anyone to actually read it, hey.
Anyway, that’s all from me – now you know all the secrets to becoming a Caonima! Feel free to start your own chapters, forums, cafes, form cliques, haze each other, and so forth! Have fun and drive safe kids!