That’s right, cao ni mas, it’s come around to that time again:
Time to dust off the first crop of nugus for 2015!
Everyone’s talking about Unpretty Rapstar lately, that rap “reality” TV show that I really don’t give a flying fuck about. Reality shows are worthless because the makers of these shows can edit their footage of them to tell literally any story they damn well choose, and the following video demonstrates excellently how this happens:
It’s easy to see why the lame scripted (or at least heavily “planned”) drama involved in Unpretty Rapstar interests me absolutely zero percent, but even assuming that it’s not a bunch of stupid pre-planned bollocks, there’s no real competition anyway. All the people on that show, regardless of what you think of their respective rapping ability, have already won just by being able to be part of such a show in the first place and getting their name out there. That’s obviously the real point of it all from their perspective, everything else is just a sideshow. But it got me thinking: what about the girls who are far too nugu to hop onto this type of promotional vehicle? I think people should spare a thought for them. Who is going to feature you and try to help your career if you’re a young female rapper that can’t get on Korean TV and rub shoulders with celebrity idols like AOA’s Jimin and underground rappers like Tymee? Kpopalypse, that’s who. Don’t thank me all at once, Korean rap ladies.
You know the rules:
- Less than 20,000 YouTube hits.
- Who the fuck are they again? Nobody cares.
Let’s do it.
Livii – Watch & Learn
Livii’s “Watch & Learn” is genuinely cheap and terrifyingly ugly, seemingly shot on a laptop webcam and with about 40% of the screen real-estate taken up with crappy pixelated still images that don’t even seem to have any relationship to each other, let alone the video which is just her dancing around in a karaoke booth and flouncing around on a bed somewhere (it’s not as exciting as it sounds). I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be watching and learning, but how to make a decent music video obviously isn’t it. The painful nuguness of the video is enough to get it on Nugu Alert alone even though Livii does in fact have another song with a slightly more high-budget video that just broke the 20,000 hits barrier… but that one didn’t have any rapping in it, or cruddy pictures of Sailor Moon and blinged-out ballpoint pens (the latest gangster trend, I guess), so it doesn’t count. The song’s no great shakes either unfortunately, with the usual awful synthesiser hooks and lame beats that rap has now… but hey, I guess I’ve heard worse.
YouTube hits at time of writing: 4981
Notable attribute: “power-off” button thoughtfully provided at the bottom center of the video actually does stop the music! Just don’t double-click.
Nugu alert rating: moderate
Black Anvil – Move Up
It never hurts to have a couple of attractive young ladies to augment your male rap crew, provide some much-needed variety and fap value plus stay culturally relevant. Sure, people could accuse you of being a little tokenistic about it all, but then people could also accuse you of punching them in the head, so whatever. Not only are there two girls here who rap, but this song isn’t particularly awful and there even seems to have been a reasonable amount of money spent on the video. Not only that but they’ve got a guy called Mr. Boombox who waves his magical wand of making the beat suck dick slightly less for about 25 seconds at the 2:30 mark before the studio producers intervene and kick him off the track. So what’s with the low, low viewcount? Maybe it’s the lack of twerking and/or stripping from the girls, or maybe the problem is that one of them is called Shy which is just the totally wrong name for a rapper or maybe it’s just how those who champion strong female rappers don’t ever really bother to seek this kind of stuff out and highlight it more often because they’re too busy making fap posts just like Kpopalypse does. Ha.
YouTube hits at time of writing: 5991
Notable attribute: awkwardly choreographed live performance on nugu-friendly TV program Show Champion has more hits than the official MV
Nugu alert rating: high
Celma – Lalala
We all know how girls yelling raps into a microphone is all about smashing that glass ceiling isn’t that right… oh wait, but Tymee earns less than the Korean lady in my local gift shop selling toy Psy mobile phones. Perhaps not so much a glass ceiling than a glass stepladder, but even poverty-line Tymee is still more successful than most of them, largely due to her fap-friendly concepts gaining her some notoriety. Just like with the more commercial k-pop, rapper girls need to get down and dirty to increase that web traffic, and there’s nothing like an attractive girl performing to a great song to boost that viewcount. Unfortunately Celma and “Lalala” is nothing like an attractive girl performing to a great song, but hey let’s not be mean because full marks for effort. That “my lips, my titties, my hips, my pussy” line might be the only actual rap that she does here, but arguably it’s all the rap anybody needs, so why get picky. Especially because the way she pronounces “titties” sounds a lot like “penis” so you can imagine that she’s a transsexual if you’re into that sort of thing, it’s probably the closest that anyone with a sexual preference for girls with dicks will ever get to fanservice in the Korean music scene. I don’t know why it’s called “Lalala” though, maybe because that’s what you’ll be singing while you stick your fingers in your ears to block out the sound.
YouTube hits at time of writing: 10619
Notable attribute: completely prostitutes herself yet still qualifies for Nugu Alert anyway, sign of a true hardcore nugu
Nugu alert rating: extreme
Thanks for reading – Kpopalypse Nugu Alert will return with more nugus soon!