Okay, so when 2014 ended I did a ton of lists about my favourite and not-so-favourite music videos. I got lots of positive feedback from those, however I also got a lot of questions that were similar to this:
I had hoped to take a break from lists for a while, but because I’m always so eager to take on board constructive feedback and please you lovely readers, I have now added “most fapped to” into my yearly list posts. So let’s completely ignore musical content in MVs for a change and instead have a recap of what Kpopalypse thought was hot and sexy in 2014!
10. AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Short Hair
The first half of 2014 will be forever known to Kpopalypse as “Fapgate” – the time when the management behind girl groups suddenly realised en masse that guys wanting to jizz themselves over MVs of girls in tight clothing and/or lingerie was a niche market yet to be exploited in k-pop to its full potential. Upon realising this FNC Entertainment quickly exchanged Jimin’s Gibson SG for a snugly-fitting dress and turned AOA’s fortunes around from nugus to established stars in the space of only a few months. AOA’s “Miniskirt” might have kicked off Fapgate into high gear at the start of 2014 but “Short Hair” had something that “Miniskirt” did not – Jimin in a traffic police uniform. Police uniforms are hot because of the combination of smart tailoring and the power of police to molest you without you being able to do anything about it is very “classy sexy”. I had some traffic cops turn up on my door the other week to ask me some shit and if they looked this cute I think I would have spread my anus a lot more readily.
9. Stellar – Mask
If AOA’s “Miniskirt” started Fapgate, Stellar’s “Mask” ended it, by taking the group that brought you the milk-soaked “Marionette” and adding more clothes yet increasing the sexiness anyway, thus confusing the shit out of all those agencies that thought they had everything figured out at the start of the year. After this song the ratio of pure fap concepts in k-pop returned to normal. Also, many years ago I dated a girl who looked a bit like Stellar’s Hyoeun (idols resembling ex-girlfriends will be a common theme in this list so get used to it), she had the same curly red hair, weird eyes and big boobs thing going on that Hyoeun does here in this video. The relationship only lasted a couple weeks because as it turned out she was a crazy heroin-addicted prostitute with behaviour more random than Dara’s hairstyles but watching this video brought back good memories of blowing loads of cum over her boobs before things went sour so that really helped my fap along here.
8. 2NE1 – Crush
Hey Blackjacks, Kpopalypse is about to say something nice about 2NE1 so sit up straight and pay attention. After floundering around for the better part of two years making nothing of worth, 2NE1 finally managed to produce about 12 seconds of what I consider to be culturally relevant content, and they’re all contained in the “Crush” MV, sandwiched between 0:47 and 1:00. I’m not sure how they managed it or what sorcery was used, but Bom looks honestly astoundingly cute in the fake backstage dressing room footage here (presumably cosplaying someone who would actually be let onto a stage) and once again resembles an ex-girlfriend somewhat which is always a fap value-booster for me. She’s never pulled off a look this good before or since so I don’t have my hopes up for a repeat of this level of hotness in the future but given the way features shift around on her face from one video to the next like colours on a Rubik’s cube I suppose anything could happen.
7. 15& – Sugar
Fuck you JYP, why did you have to make a video for 15&’s “Sugar” in May 2014? If you had waited only a couple more months, Park Jimin would have been 17 in the video which is legal age where I live and then I would have been able to fap without feeling creepy. 15& released a shitload of videos on JYP’s channel but since Park Jimin turned 17 they’ve done fucking nothing on their channel at all, which is a bit fucking suspicious if you ask me, perhaps JYP has lost interest in Park Jimin now that she’s older and actually hot, I think Chris Hansen needs to fly to Korea and tell JYP to take a seat. Park Jimin looks fantastic here (uncannily styled just like one of my super-cute 25 year old ex-girlfriends) but I refuse to fap to this because it makes me feel weird, even though if me and her were married with parental consent we’d be technically legal here – where I live age of consent for girls is 17, unless you’re married to her in which case 16 is fine and 100% legal. So maybe I can fap to this after all, I just need to also imagine a ring on Park Jimin’s finger while she’s giving me a handjob, but then I just imagine my foreskin getting caught in it so fuck that shit, I’ll stick to checking out her more recent Instagram pics instead. Oh and fuck you JYP. He’d better not leave this group on the shelf along with 90% of his other artists now that Park Jimin is actually boneable.
6. Clara ft. Yasu – Fear
Everyone wondered why Clara’s debut song didn’t make it onto my “worst-of” list, but the answer should be obvious enough – I couldn’t assess it as I had no idea what it sounded like because I don’t usually watch porn with the sound on. In fact I still can’t remember what this song sounds like, I just played it again now to try and recollect but then Clara’s boobs appeared and I was like “where’s the lube” and I got distracted. Who cares what it sounds like. I also don’t care about her legal troubles with her label or whatever, who gives a shit who is suing who and why, it’s not my fucking problem so I don’t give a fuck. The minute she sues me then I’ll start caring about what’s on her phone or whatever. While every other k-pop fan gossips away about what they read about Clara in the media or some lame comment translation site like an old maid talking about some shit that they’ve half-heard whispered through a keyhole, I’ll continue to jerk it to Clara’s boobs. Priorities.
5. Raina ft. Kanto – You, End & Me
Everyone zeroed in on Raina and San E’s “A Midsummer Night’s Sweetness” as a video that I would be interested in for fap purposes, and while that’s definitely true, her song with Kanto from nugu group Troy was just a little bit more up my alley. “You, End & Me” has superior clothing for a start, favouring cute and tight-fitting jumpers that show some serious boob-enhancing properties. Even better, “You, End & Me” is a breakup song, so that means that Raina is available at the end of the video. That’s great because it means that I don’t have to imagine her getting the dick from some k-hip-hop loser. In that last scene where he walks away from her at the table I can imagine myself giving him a high-five, saying “I’ll give you Nana’s number later” and then wandering over and sitting down. Hey Raina, it’s okay, Kpopalypse is here. Let’s go back to my place. I promise I’m not a rapper. You can’t trust those rapper guys Raina, they’re no good. They’ll hurt you every time.
4. Chaness – SeSeSe
Exploring new frontiers of “classy sexy“, the MV for LPG subunit Chaness features a girl getting raped by a drunk guy while another girl watches, and still only gets a 15 from the MOGEF because at least they didn’t kick any traffic cones in the process. Of course actual rape is completely horrible and isn’t sexy at all, but pretendy rape where nobody actually gets raped but very nicely-dressed actors and actresses just gyrate against each other and rip each other’s clothing a little for the camera is hot as fuck. Just ask any JAV fan, 90% of that stuff is guys pretending to rape girls… and the other 10% is girls pretending to rape guys. If you’ve been longing for your favourite k-idol to make the transition into the rapey JAV scene, this video is about as close as you’re going to get for now unless you’re a Dal Shabet fan.
3. Gain ft. Bumkey – Fuck U
Of course nobody does “classy sexy” quite like Gain, the original “classy sexy” idol, and if you cruise the comments section of this video you can see all sorts of people debating about what this song means. The reason for this is that half of the commenters fapped to it and they don’t want to admit that they just blew their load over some pretendy rape so they’ve got to justify it to themselves somehow and say that it’s not about rape really but just a “difficult relationship”. I suppose being raped would probably make a relationship pretty “difficult”, yeah. Meanwhile, this mediocre, awkward-sounding song got to #1 on a whole lot of other people’s best-of lists for 2014 mostly likely because the writers wanted to look edgy and smart and champion art that “raises questions”, while of course refusing to acknowledge that half the audience were fapping to the answers. There’s no reason not to – Gain getting ripped off her tits on Bumkey’s stash and playing “Human Centipede” never looked so good, and the guy is Gain’s real-life boyfriend, so let’s not get too squeamish about a bit of play-acting here. Not only that but the two actually met and begun their relationship while shooting this MV, so actually what you’re watching is one of Gain’s most romantic real-life moments, captured on film. Mind blown yet?
2. As One – For The Night
The girls in As One are both pretty hot, especially the one with the hat who has a bit of a Minkyung vibe about her which I really like (i.e is a winner in life, is pretty, maybe smoked a cigarette in high school once or twice). What’s even hotter than this is girls in maid uniforms. Not real maids of course – actual maids these days don’t ever wear anything this sexy in real life and even the pretend maids in porn films don’t get the fucking maid uniform right half the time. It’s important when cosplaying a maid to only use the colours black and white and in the correct proportions but there’s no need for me to describe it down to the last detail here in text because the girl in As One’s “For The Night” MV visually demonstrates the ideal maid uniform applied correctly. I’d hire a maid myself to clean up my place if I knew I was going to get something this hot but I’m sure if I insisted on a hot one and then tried to make her wear the right costume instead of whatever boring shit she normally wears I’d probably get hung at dawn by some anti-discrimination-against-fugly-people activist group… and that’d be before I even asked for the blowjob.
1. Apink – LUV
In 2014 it was no competition, the true masters of the k-pop white-coater sex concept are Apink and they delivered the fap yet again, as reliable as clockwork. Apink’s label really have to think outside the square with Apink’s concepts these days and they’re doing an outstanding job. The group are at that age in their careers where a maturing of their concept is necessary to keep their equally maturing fanbase alive, yet at the same time the paper-thin veneer of “cute innocence” has been this group’s bread and butter. Fortunately for the agency, Apink’s fanbase have been spoonfed bullshit for so long that when a “dirty whores jacking off strangers in trenchcoats in the park” concept appears they’re too dim to recognise it, but that’s okay because the rest of us can still fap. I know some of you have trouble reading between the lines so Kpopalypse White Coater Comics is here to break it down for you and destroy your innocence.
KPOPALYPSE WHITE-COATER COMICS PRESENTS: APINK – LUV
Later that day:
Towards early evening:
The real jacking off will start soon when Apink’s sex scandal gets released, but until then this will do nicely. Anyway thanks for reading and Kpopalypse will return… whether you like it or not! But if you don’t like it, hopefully you find it “classy sexy”!