I while ago I made a bias list because everyone was always asking me what k-pop girls I liked, and why, so rather than explain who I liked and why I liked my favourites over and over, I could just lazily link people to the list which did all the explaining for me. However, it’s been about a year since that list was made, and there have been new entrants into k-pop who have come to my attention, “got prettier” or otherwise met required standards. As people constantly ask me about this shit, this means my existing bias list has become less and less useful over time. Time to give the bias list a much-needed update, rejuggle and expansion!
Who will meet required standards? Which new entrants will make it on? Will any previous entrants be excluded? Will people feel compelled to leave pointless comments below about how they disagree with my picks as if anyone really gives a shit what some random blogger asshole thinks are hot girls anyway? Read on and find out as Kpopalypse reveals his top 10 biases!
THE KPOPALYPSE 2015 BIAS LIST
1. Raina (Orange Caramel/After School)
Raina’s recent preference for long dark hair and generally excellent styling in all her 2014 comebacks (all 26 of them) means that she is looking better than ever and retains her #1 spot despite stiff competition (insert pun about my stiff penis here). She may or may not have “got prettier”, I can’t really tell… but she’s looking a lot more camera-friendly these days for whatever reason, so I calmly accept.
She’s still not as photogenic as other idols though, so because a moving Raina is always prettier than a still Raina, now you have a video of her singing a 2NE1 song from back when 2NE1 actually had songs and not whatever nonsense it is that they do now instead.
2. Eunjung (T-ara)
Eunjung also stepped up her hotness game, preserving her spot in the bias list against new entrants by consistently proving that she can look great in photos wearing just about any old crap (like the $10 secondhand op-shop detective coat above), which kind of makes her the opposite of Raina, yet still hot.
Eunjung is actually even able to make generic gym gear look good, without resorting to padding unlike her groupmates.
The whole of T-ara actually looked the best they have in years in the white top/red skirt combo that they had going on for their “Little Apple” performance on Music Core, a performance that shall go down in history for enhancing the Kpopalypse fap folder. Anyway there’s enough examples of Eunjung being hot all over my blogging so I don’t need to drag this entry on any further, let’s move on.
3. Jaewon (Delight)
The first new entry on this list is Delight’s Jaewon, the nugu group’s new fifth member who was recently added presumably to enhance their fap quota. It’s virtually impossible to find decent pictures anywhere of Jaewon, however notorious k-pop fancam maker Pharkil is picking up the shortfall – observe his high levels of determination to make high-quality Jaewon fancams!
Jaewon easily has what it takes to shoot directly to the upper echelons of the Kpopalypse bias list, and she could potentially ascend even higher if one day my faith in Rainaism is shaken by too many trips to the Gangnam clinic. They both seem to have a similar face thing going on, and Jaewon to me looks like a cross between Raina, Seunghee and that cute girl you knew in high school who jerked you off behind the bike shed that one time.
Hani isn’t the only person who has Pharkil to thank for a quality-of-life boost – Pharkil, if you ever find yourself in Adelaide consider yourself invited to dinner by Kpopalypse for enhancing my appreciation of k-pop aesthetics. I’m not as hot as Hani but I probably have a much larger porn collection, so bring a USB stick and I’ll make it worth your while.
4. The Three Caonimas: Sulli, Subin, Ji-u
Cao Ni Ma alert – the Chinese authorities have recently banned puns in a laughable attempt to crack down on use of the “grass mud horse” and several other terms that Chinese have been using to tell the authorities to fuck off with their stupid censorship already.
The pun ban is obviously a thinly-veiled targeted attempt to destroy the impact of brave anti-censorship crusader Sulli from f(x). However, like any attempt to curtail free expression anywhere, if you attack freedom it doesn’t go away, it divides and retaliates!
Subin from Berry Good has more than a passing resemblance to Sulli and could easily be her little sister. She’s even got Sulli’s hot asymetrical eye thing going on.
Then there’s Ji-u from Minx who also gets pretty damn close to Sulli-ness, especially in the “Why Did You Come To My Home” MV (she’s the one in the Coca-Cola top). Now the Chinese have three cao ni mas to contend with!
Even though Sulli is still the only one of these three that I fap to, until I learn how to tell them apart and more images and info are released, they can all occupy the same place on this list just as a “placeholder” type of thing, and for reference purposes to support future cao ni ma action.
5. Hong Jin Young
Trot singer Hong Jin Young is probably 57 kinds of nipped, tucked and sucked but I don’t really give a fuck how many jawshaves she got, I can still fap.
Little known trufax – Hong Jin Young is also queen of the “look no seatbelts” selca, she has tons of these photos inside various automobiles. Here’s hoping she doesn’t faceplant on any asphalt anytime soon because that would be a sad tragedy plus a waste of valuable natural resources, mind you I think her boobs will protect her from the worst of the impact.
She can even make duckface work, which gives her one up on the likes of Lizzy. How does she do it? Maybe it’s because she’s also so brainy.
This chick has got a PhD in fap or some shit, fucking hell. I’ve always liked smart girls – it doesn’t matter how much fucking you’re going to be doing with someone, you’re still going to be talking to them more than doing anything else so it’s important that a girl can hold her own in the important area of rubbing brain cells together to make a thought. Even better if they wear hot glasses like in the above picture… but I wish her certificate wasn’t in the way. Hong Jin Young I know you’re proud of your academic achievements but please, stop obstructing important areas.
6. Puer Kim
The average k-pop girl’s figure really isn’t something that I’m into. Most of my bias list is made up of people who got in just because their face was super-cute. Puer Kim is the exception that proves the rule – her face might look like Sistar’s Soyou after she ate a bag of lemons in half of her pics but I don’t care because that body…
This is they type of body that I like, not Hani, Dahye or whatever most other k-pop fans seem to be into. Call the fucking alphabet doctor because your bias has just been out-S-lined.
The only problem with Puer Kim is that there really aren’t enough pictures of her, pretty much every single good one I’ve already used in other posts. She really needs to pimp out that figure more. Well, okay, she doesn’t need to do jack shit, but I’d certainly like it if she did.
Another great MBK hiring, those upset at the disbandment of F-ve Dolls should not worry for Seunghee as she is still being given plenty of work to do, playing the “token hot chick” in just about every second MBK music video that comes out these days. Just as well for me too.
Fans can rest assured that MBK isn’t going to leave someone this hot on the shelf, you’ll be seeing a lot more of Seunghee should she choose to continue her career. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she turned up in a new MBK group, this should hopefully annoy insecure netizens almost as much as T-ara does.
Seunghee is going to make a lot of fangirls cry and a lot of guys fap in the near future. You heard it here first. Go suck a lemon lollipop if you can’t handle it.
8. Sunny (Girls’ Generation)
Sunny is still as hot as ever plus she is rocking more and more sexy resting bitchface these days, and I approve. Maybe all that fuck-around with Jessica has finally gotten to her and wiped away the veneer of fake-ass emotional labour, leaving behind the slutty bitchy sexy boobalicious core.
I can see it in her eyes, I think some kind of switch has gone off inside her head and she now gives less fucks than usual about many different types of idol bullshit. As a firm advocate of giving less fucks about all sorts of shit in general, I can only applaud this.
Notice how there are eight objects in the tray, not nine. I bet you didn’t even notice this subtle Jessica shade because you were too busy trying to make out the contour of her boobs. So was I – no wonder the Jessica thing got us all by surprise. I think that Sunny could deal drugs openly in broad daylight and nobody could notice because we’d all be looking at her tits. Thus by highlighting the power of boobs her place in the Kpopalypse bias list is assured.
9. Qri (T-ara)
When I was searching up Qri (aka Seunghee 1.0) images for this post I accidentally put the “I” and the “R” the wrong way around in the search bar and I instead stumbled across the site Quality In Research. It made me think that perhaps we need some more quality in research regarding whether Qri’s boobs have “got prettier” lately. They seem quite big now, and she’s sure been taking a lot of boob-friendly selcas lately too, but as for the truth about her appearance, she’s tight-lipped.
How much plastic surgery Qri has received over the years is a more closely guarded secret than how many times Hwayoung dropped the nail polish in the bathwater, but who cares because Qri is hot with or without a boob job.
All that is known for now is that Qri will continue to take selcas and Kpopalypse will continue to fap.
10. Park Jimin (15&)
Rounding out this list both literally and figuratively is Park Jimin. Look at her face. That’s probably exactly the expression that you’re making right now, as well as the one that she’ll probably make if she ever finds out that she made it onto this list. However it’s trufax that I think Park Jimin is a hottie capable of Kpopalypse bias list inclusion, she has just the kind of appearance that I like in both face and body (i.e she looks like she has probably eaten sometime this week) – plus she speaks perfect English which is a plus. I don’t even know if she believes her own hotness herself because most of her own photos have her pulling ultra-dorky faces:
…but it’s true. I know I’ll get pedo accusations from mouth-breathing morons over this because anyone who follows her probably still thinks of her as “that kid who won that competition” but she’s 17.5 years old at the time of writing, which is legal age in South Australia, cuntfaces. She probably wants to be considered a grown-up just like any other 17.5 year old I’ve ever met ever (including me when I was 17.5), so I’ll treat her like such. You Americans still have to wait six months before you can legally blow your load over hot pictures like this:
She could seriously move up higher in this list in the years to come too, she just needs to take more good quality pictures, of which there’s a definite lack of at the moment. It’s actually quite tricky to search her up because there’s a guy in Bangtan Boys called Park Jimin as well so let’s all search up this girl as often as possible and improve her search ranking so she can compete and I can find her pics easier for the future when she gets a sexy concept. Do it, JYP. Do it for Kpopalypse.
That’s the end of the Kpopalypse bias list for 2015! I’ll do another one of these periodically for you curious folks who actually weirdly give a shit about what I do and don’t like as if it’s important or relevant to your life in any way whatsoever (you fucking clowns). Try to not write a 2000 word essay about how your bias isn’t here, won’t you?