Today -‘ve found out today someth-ng wh-ch -‘ve suspected for a wh-le but wh-ch has now been conf-rmed – F-ve Dolls have d-sbanded. The label haven’t released an off-c-al statement yet, but none -s needed; the label’s new webs-te doesn’t l-st them as an act-ve group, and w-th several members hav-ng left the company, -t’s easy enough to see what’s happened.
S-nce – felt that F-ve Dolls’ f-nal -ncarnat-on d-dn’t really get enough attent-on when they were act-ve, -‘m now go-ng to overcompensate w-ldly by wr-t-ng my f-rst k-pop album rev-ew!
-‘ve never done an album rev-ew before s-mply because – mostly don’t see the fuck-ng po-nt. -f you want to hear any mus-c by anybody these days, you can just pull up your -phone or go to your favour-te p-rate webs-te and hear -t for free anyt-me. All the art -s also ava-lable somewhere onl-ne should you care to search, and let’s be honest, the album -sn’t really even the product anyway, -t’s the g-rls themselves and the -dea of them as enterta-nment ent-t-es that you can love, cher-sh and fap over. However s-nce probably no more cop-es of the F-rst Love m-n- album are l-kely to be made -n the future from the company beh-nd th-s flop group who have now d-scarded them and left them on the nugu trash heap, -f you’re a F-ve Dolls fan you may just-f-ably wonder; -s -t worth p-ck-ng up one of the last rema-n-ng phys-cal cop-es? Let’s answer th-s -mportant quest-on w-th an…
ALBUM REV-EW: F-VE DOLLS – “F-RST LOVE” M-N- ALBUM
Released -n 2013 by: Core Contents Med-a (now MBK Enterta-nment), d-str-buted by KT Mus-c – KTMCD 0292
Phys-cal product d-mens-ons: 195mm x 140mm x 24mm
Phys-cal product contents: CD -n box w-th 24 double-s-ded photocards and foldout album cred-ts
Let’s start th-s album rev-ew w-th the most -mportant th-ngs f-rst. S-nce -t’s the members of the group wh-ch are the real commod-ty -n any k-pop release, we’ll beg-n there. So, who are (were) F-ve Dolls?
– f-rst suspected that F-ve Dolls m-ght be d-sband-ng when – heard last week that Nayeon had left the group and now res-des -n Ch-cago. Amer-can readers, look out for a Nayeon near you! Nayeon has qu-te good command of Engl-sh apparently, so -‘ve asked her about maybe do-ng an -nterv-ew somet-me but – th-nk she’s busy study-ng so probably doesn’t have t-me for my bullsh-t. Oh well. -‘m here and ready -f she changes her m-nd!
Seunghee -s very attract-ve, fresh-faced, off-c-al Kpopalypse b-as l-st approved and has apparently reta-ned her contract w-th MBK. We’ll probably be see-ng more of Seunghee soon -n terms of s-ng-ng, mus-c v-deo cameos (l-ke her great turn play-ng the slutty wench -n The Seeya’s “Tell Me” MV), act-ng or other act-v-t-es and -t’s just as well because – th-nk -‘m gett-ng some ser-ous blue balls.
Hyewon certa-nly has someth-ng -nterest-ng about her v-sually and w-th her short ha-r g-ves off a v-be s-m-lar to Hae-n from Gangk-z – she doesn’t possess qu-te the same -mpress-ve rack, but she’s also not as far off as you m-ght th-nk -n that department (see “You Cheated”, below). She’s also an exper-enced model and actress and has a cameo -n T-ara’s “Love Dovey Zomb-e vers-on” MV as well as T-ara N4’s “Jeon Won D-ary“. Hyewon has now reportedly left the company but here’s hop-ng that she’s landed on her feet somewhere n-ce (l-ke my house).
Yeonkyung -s cute and also a member of The Seeya, so even though F-ve Dolls are no more, you’ll st-ll get to hear lots more from Yeonkyung -n the future, assum-ng that The Seeya have some more comebacks planned. Ballad groups l-ke that tend to have a longer shelf l-fe than -dol pop stuff so -‘m opt-m-st-c that MBK w-ll trans-t-on The Seeya to more and more of a Dav-ch- style d-rect-on, wh-ch m-ght be quest-onable for mus-c qual-ty purposes but w-ll be a pos-t-ve development for Yeonkyung fap.
Hyoyoung -s notor-ous among k-pop c-rcles as the s-ster of T-ara’s Hwayoung, Korea’s #1 net-zen troller and hyg-ene advocate. Let’s not let Hyoyoung be overshadowed though, she’s st-ll w-th MBK and has been bu-ld-ng up for herself qu-te an act-ng resume, and -‘m not talk-ng about act-ng l-ke her leg -s hurt m-nutes before go-ng onstage. She also has some n-ce boobs under that hanbok, hopefully she’ll learn from her s-ster’s -mpress-vely slutty ant-cs and we’ll get to see them a l-ttle more -n future.
Last but not least, who can forget the lovely charms of Eunkyo? She’s so adorable that – made her a cl-ckable -con on my personal webs-te, know-ng that no human al-ve can res-st the urge to cl-ck on the Eunkyo and be taken to wonderful and myster-ous places. She’s left the company now and also deleted her Tw-tter so who knows what the future holds but s-nce K-m Kwang Soo has also left the company – wouldn’t be at all surpr-sed -f he’s kept Eunkyo all for h-mself. Too conven-ent to be mere co-nc-dence, they’re probably cuddl-ng on a deserted -sland somewhere far away from Korea’s tax -nspectors as you read th-s.
Oh and yes -‘m well aware that there were other g-rls -n F-ve Dolls but they’re not on “F-rst Love” so – don’t g-ve a fuck. Th-s -sn’t W-k-ped-a you wh-ny cunt. Anyway, now that we’ve gotten to know the lovely g-rls of F-ve Dolls, let’s move onto…
THE PHYS-CAL PACKAGE
Now we move onto the packag-ng, wh-ch -s -mportant. After all, -f you d-dn’t want the package, why would you buy -t at all? -t’s not l-ke all mus-c -sn’t ava-lable completely free these days.
Here’s a great unbox-ng v-deo w-th a m-n-mum of fuss and wank that shows you the contents of the box and all of the photocards, =t’ll save me some ty-ng. Yes, there’s even a photocard for “F-ve Dolls fr-end” Dan-!
The package -s the same s-ze as T-ara N4’s m-n- album and only a few m-l-metres smaller than m-ss A’s “-ndependent Women part 3”, but a very s-m-lar des-gn to all of these. -t’s not the eas-est des-gn from the po-nt of v-ew of acces-ng the contents but -t’s better than most k-pop package -deas for keep-ng safe frag-le photocards.
The unbox-ng v-deo makes reference to s-gned ed-t-ons of th-s m-n- album. These ed-t-ons are probably by now very rare, they’ve certa-nly sold out on YesAs-a a long t-me ago, – know th-s because – bought one. Here’s a scanned copy of my s-gned album cred-ts foldout, sorry for the scan qual-ty, my scanner -sn’t -n the best shape and leaves ugly l-nes on everyth-ng.
Lastly, let’s take a look at the songs on th-s m-n- album. There are s-x songs -n total, and they are:
1. CAN YOU LOVE ME?
Eas-ly one of the best feature tracks of 2013, “Can You Love Me?” was the song that Ap-nk have always threatened to do but have never qu-te managed for some reason, and -f Ap-nk had actually released th-s song -nstead of that rubb-sh “Secret Garden” crap, -t would have no doubt been huge for them. What makes “Can You Love Me?” work where other songs l-ke th-s often fa-l -s that although the song -s -n ballad cloth-ng -t’s not really a ballad at all; the tempo -s actually qu-te br-sk, plus suspended harmon-c movement -s explo-ted a lot more often than -n most songs of th-s type wh-ch tend to go for a lame nusery rhyme harmony -nstead. Dan-‘s guest rap (wh-ch -sn’t techn-cally a rap at all but whatever) -s the -c-ng on the cake and far more smooth sound-ng than anybody had a r-ght to expect g-ven that she couldn’t even speak Korean at the start of 2012. -‘ve just started learn-ng Korean now and -f -‘m a tenth as good as her -n the aount of t-me she took to learn that song -‘ll be very happy. To top -t all off the v-deo -s great and del-vers ample schoolg-rl fet-sh fap.
2. YOU CHEATED
Although not qu-te h-tt-ng the h-gh standard of “Can You Love Me?”, “You Cheated” -s st-ll a very sol-d m-d tempo song -n a s-m-lar ve-n and -s only enhanced by a v-deo des-gned spec-f-cally to portray the g-rl’s boobs -n the best l-ght poss-ble. The jumper colours as well as the f-tt-ng of the suspenders-and-pants combos have been carefully selected to a-d boob percept-on, mak-ng th-s one of my favour-te “under the radar fap fest” v-deo concepts. Observe carefully how Hyweon at the top left of the screen always has her body on an angle so her boobs catch the stud-o l-ght and the-r volum-nous prof-le -s always clear, that’s surely no acc-dent but clearly extremely f-ne fanserv-cey v-deo d-rect-ng. She was no doubt told to stand exactly l-ke that for th-s reason and – only left Hyewon out of my boobs posts so – could drop th-s Easter egg here -nstead and blow the m-nds of unaware boobs perverts everywhere.
The f-rst of two non-feature track songs, “LOV” comes from the pen of k-pop h-tmaker Sh-nsadong T-ger, and you know that a m-n- album has got some qual-ty mater-al on -t when T-ger wr-tes a song for -t and that song doesn’t even end up mak-ng the grade for feature track status. The “l-ke th-s” -nterludes sound a l-ttle b-t daft (remember th-s -s the same songwr-ter who “l-key l-key d-s and l-key l-key dat” so – guess he just can’t help h-mself) but everyth-ng else -s great. Espec-ally awesome -s that h-gh synth no-se that descends every two bars, -t’s the sort of th-ng that you can po-nt out to people -n order to -rr-atate them and the cont-nually s-ng when they’re around to p-ss them off, always a worthy cause.
Here’s the second non-feature track and -t’s absolutely fantast-c, the sort of end-of-concert torch pop song that a group can trot out as an encore and make the aud-ence super-sad that -t’s the-r last song and they have to leave for the next show soon. You can almost hear the tears of fans -n the m-x and -t’s just a p-ty that F-ve Dolls probably never played a concert where they could have used the tune for -t’s clearly -ntended purpose. Oh well, you’ll just have to l-sten to -t at home, turn down your l-ghts and wave your c-garette l-ghter or glowst-ck -n front of your computer screen -n t-me to the beat. Cons-der -t a goodbye song for the ent-re group before they sa-led off -nto the Sea Of Nugu -f you l-ke.
5. SOULMATE #1
The f-rst feature of the revamped F-ve Dolls wasn’t “Can You Love Me?” but “Soulmate #1”, a d-sco number that comb-nes several aspects of T-ara’s “Roly Poly” w-th the horr-ble “Funky Town” by L-pps -nc. -nto an overproduced mush to create a result that -s unfortunately completely screechy and unl-setnable. They get the -mage r-ght w-th an appeal-ngly retro-styled v-deo cl-p, but the horr-d repet-t-ve chorus comb-ned w-th way too much vocal layer-ng all throughout d-lutes the song’s few good qual-t-es (a decent br-dge, some cool d-sco rhythm textures) and the result -s just not good. – guess every album’s gotta have a dud on -t.
6. SOULMATE #1 (L-STEN 2)
A typ-cal worthless rem-x -n the extens-ve trad-t-on of po-ntless CCM rem-xes where they only s-gn-f-cantly change the song’s -ntro and leave just about everyth-ng else pretty much the same. A total waste of t-me even -f you l-ked “Soulmate #1”, you’ll be h-tt-ng the “sk-p” button to go back to the f-rst track every t-me th-s comes on your CD player.
Overall, – th-nk -t’s one of k-pop’s best m-n- albums ever. A 66% good song/bad song rat-o m-ght sound l-ke not much of a recommendat-on but for me -t’s a pretty good h-trate for any k-pop release at all, and the good songs are really, really fuck-ng good. More -mportantly, the g-rls are hot and the package -s h-gh qual-ty. So, should you buy th-s? Honestly – couldn’t g-ve a fly-ng fuck, that’s between you, your wallet and how much you l-ke fapp-ng to photocards. Hopefully you’ve at least enjoyed read-ng th-s self-ndulgent rev-ew just as much as any of the other garbage that – usually wr-te. Maybe -‘ll rev-ew another album one day -f – can f-nd a just-f-cat-on for do-ng so… but – probably won’t. Unt-l next t-me, fap safely!