Well, 2014 is nearly over and most people are happy to put it behind them. It hasn’t exactly been an outstanding year for k-pop, with so many controversies, scandals and tragedies. So what can we look forward to in 2015 and beyond? Hopefully something better, right? It’s a good thing that I have my fantastic powers of ESP readily available to find out the truth of what the future holds!
My mother always claimed that she had Extra-Sensory Perception (ESP), specifically, the power to forsee the future and know that which is hidden. If she guessed something to happen in the future and she was right (like the mass surveillance that Edward Snowden exposed – my mother was about a decade in front of Snowden himself on figuring that one out), she’d say “look, that’s my ESP kicking in”. On the other hand, if she was wrong about something (like Australia electing a sensible leader instead of embarrassing arch-fuckwit Tony Abbott) she’d say “I still have ESP, but it just wasn’t working that well on the day that I predicted that – I’m not perfect, you know”. Here’s a picture of my mother, focusing her ESP powers through a mysterious crystal, which should totally convince you that she’s legit:
Well actually, that’s a picture of T-ara’s Boram, but they look very similar, so it’ll do. I didn’t have a good picture of my mother holding any mystical crystal shit handy so let’s not get too fussy over the details here.
My mother was also a big believer in the power of hereditary genes and mothers passing on their talents to their offspring. No doubt this was an appealing thought to her at least in part because it means she got to take some credit for my achievements – I was good at music, and so was her grandfather, so it follows that it’s because she passed on the genes that I have musical ability, so therefore I should thank her and be appropriately grateful. Although the power of genetic transference of all sorts of positive qualities was obviously a convenient belief for her to have, I’m not a genetic scientist qualified to dispute it – I’ve got no reason to doubt that she was right, so I’m going to run with my mother’s thinking and claim that I also have ESP. This means that all the following predictions that I make are absolutely 100% true and correct… unless of course, I’m having a bad day and my powers are a bit shaky in which case they may not be. It’ll still probably be more correct than whatever bullshit Allkpop predicts.
This post should also please people who were sad because they couldn’t figure out my blind items in my “aspiring k-pop stars” post or complained that they weren’t specific enough, because these predictions are so specific that it hurts. Here we go.
Kpopalypse’s completely 100% accurate and legit* predictions for the future of k-pop
Girls’ Generation will continue – sort of. Having transformed from The Divine Nine to The Hateful Eight (probably as a tie-in to Tarantino’s new film), the illusion of picture perfect happiness will be anathema to young fangirls living in la-la land, and their audience will gradually decline. The members of the group will gradually become less active, transitioning into full time entertainment media roles. Just because it’s easier to get three people to co-operate on a regular basis than eight, SNSD will undergo an “Orange Caramel” effect – TaeTiSeo will gradually become more popular and active than the full group.
EXO as a group will remain popular – and underpaid. In the meantime, Kris and Luhan will give the Chinese industry a red hot go. They’ll have varying degrees of success but they’ll still make more money in China than the rest of EXO put together.
Hyorin from Sistar will lose much of her hair. She’ll cover it up with wigs and extensions of course, but the endless abuse of hair-care products will take its toll. Expect to see more misshaped Hyorin cranial action in the future as the thinning out of her scalp reveals her “upgraded” skull shape to all. Meanwhile Sistar’s popularity will nosedive as the group’s fans transition to AOA and Girl’s Day. Soyou will have the most success in the group, continuing to do well releasing limp “Love The Way You Lie” clones with male rappers.
Apink will be fucking up and down the house. The “cute” group concepts will stay, but behind-the-scenes they will become notorious as the go-to girls for a good time, they will be in and out of Shinsadong Tiger’s bangbus on the regular, getting dick from male k-pop stars big and small (in every sense of the word). Eventually, one of them will get busted, maybe by the paparazzi or maybe they will take a seemingly innocent selca and somebody will notice incriminating details, like suspiciously stained clothing, or Seungri towelling himself down reflected in a vanity mirror.
Sulli won’t give a cao ni ma. She’s always hated standing in line to please industry fuckwits and she’s had a gutful of idol bullshit in general. She wants nothing more than to stay home and iron Chioza’s shirts before Dynamic Duo concerts, and she’ll continue to skimp on schedules and be sketchy as fuck with nearly everything else until her contract expires, upon which time she’ll ride out of the k-pop scene on an alpaca to be with her one true love and live happily ever after. In the meantime f(x) will come back again in the middle of 2015 like they always do reliably each year (you’d think fans freaking out about f(x) not getting comebacks would have realised this pattern by now, but then k-pop fans aren’t the brightest lot), with “Yellow Piss” (they’re going around the colour wheel).
Qri still won’t care. You think fangirls hate T-ara now – just wait. Eventually it will be revealed who some of the other girls are dating, and netizens won’t like it – just like with Soyeon, it will be discovered that they’re dating completely respectable and desirable guys in the entertainment business, with good upstanding reputations! Fangirl fury will be intense, many cyber-eggs will be thrown, there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth (not to mention selectively-translated Netizenbuzz articles documenting the worst of it while ignoring the ever-increasing amount of more rational opinions) and T-ara’s new CEO at MBK will laugh it up while collecting all the website ad revenue.
Zico will get into more scandals. But don’t worry Block B fans, Netizenbuzz will always be there with her Internet shield to clarify situations and put them in their proper context, so confused international fans will be able to understand and forgive him. Just like she does with every other group in a big career-damaging controversy… oh wait.
Woollim will take those who spread the Jisoo rumours to court – and win. Having already completely shot their credibility to shit by fabricating most of the “evidence” against Jisoo, the judge won’t believe anything else that the rumour-spreaders say either, once they are found and reluctantly dragged in to court to testify. Woollim will walk away with the case with little effort and Jisoo will go down in k-pop history along with Tablo and Eunjung as yet another k-pop idol who had their career messed with just because someone woke up on the wrong side of bed one day and decided to spread lies to gullible kidlets with no capacity for critical thinking on the Internet.
Ladies Code will come back – but it won’t be the same. Realising that the girls are now more famous than ever before, their CEO will give them a short respite and then get them straight back into another Starex to make that money. Their music will change from the sound that their fans from before the accident loved – upbeat songs will no longer be considered appropriate, and the new song will be a ballad, with deliberately ambiguous lyrics that could possibly be interpreted as an ode to Rise and Eunbi. Fans will appreciate the thought and sentiment but wonder why the company didn’t just change the group name as well if they were going to dump the old sound.
Way’s Girls will become more active. Crayon Pop will remain in the public eye as a popular group, meanwhile the amount of detractors and haters online will gradually decrease, despite the group accumulating scandal at roughly the same rate as everybody else in k-pop. This syndrome will be noted and regular online haters being gradually won over by the cuteness of weird concepts despite the appearance of multiple scandals and baseless rumours will start to be dubbed the “Crayon Pop effect”. Nobody will notice that the haters aren’t actually being won over at all, they’re vanishing.
Raina will collapse at an event and get admitted to hospital. The poor girl isn’t traveling as well as the other OC members, with constant group, subunit and solo comebacks. Soon her body will give way during a scheduled event and she’ll end up in hospital where it will be revealed that she’s been massively dehydrated and underweight for weeks. Meanwhile After School fans will still whine for a comeback with all eight members even though the group already released a full album this year.
IU will complete her transition to a “more mature image”. She’ll go onto that same TV show that Eunjung was on and blow everybody’s minds (and loads) with her complex and nuanced understanding of sexual relationships, indicating an obvious wealth of experience.
Shindong will get bullied out of Super Junior. K-pop fans of all ages and genders worldwide will continue to unanimously love and adore Shindong as a trailblazer for the acceptance of different body images in k-pop. Meanwhile odd bruises will start to appear on his body, and he’ll stop appearing at schedules. Eventually he will leave the group to concentrate on variety TV and it will be revealed that the other SuJu members have been taking out their frustrations on Shindong physically – they’ve been bullying him because they’re all on strict idol diets whereas Shindong can eat what he likes!
SM Entertainment will keep fucking with everyone else’s shit. Willing to stoop so low as to blackmail an author to take JYJ out of a worthless crappy coffee-table picture book, it’s clear that SM is the k-pop company equivalent of that jealous possessive ex-boyfriend who still thinks you’re cheating on him when you date a new guy a year after the relationship is over. Intellectually neanderthal guys like that never learn that they’re just sabotaging their own chances of happiness, and neither will SM. Watch them fuck mercilessly with everybody and continue to get away with it. Remember SM are so powerful that they can even control Google when they want to, don’t expect anybody in authority in Korea to do anything any harsher to SM than give them the equivalent of a speeding fine.
Han Ye Seul and Teddy’s relationship will deteriorate, boosting Teddy’s song quality. The honeymoon phase of the relationship will soon be over and they’re going to be entering the “stop hogging the remote” phase soon. Filled with newfound angst, Teddy will then channel his lack of getting his tip wet into his art and start writing better songs once again. This will come too late for 2NE1, with Bom now languishing in apoplexy at the bottom of an opium den and CL embracing crass all-American suckitude, but the next girl group to debut on YG will be the beneficiary.
JYP will position GOT7 to replace 2PM as his main money-earner. He’ll try both self-penned and outsourced songs, but none of them will really light the fire under GOT7 that is needed. Then one day, he’ll have an epiphany – “I’ve stopped doing pointless cameos in my group’s MVs, plus I’m not saying JYP anymore, what happened to me?!?“, he’ll cry. The next song that he releases after realising the error of his ways and re-inserting the beloved “JYP” shout/whispered intro into his new songs will reignite his fortunes and GOT7 will ride high from this moment onward.
K-pop will continue to not take over the world. Small victories here and there will continue but the much-anticipated cultural takeover will not happen. K-poppers will continue to dream of western fame and them flop dramatically after much investment. Mega-concerts will continue to be optimistically promoted and then cancelled at the last minute due to lack of bums on seats (plus shady event organisers who skip the event’s country with ticket money, hello Naureen Gana if you’re reading). It’s destined to be a cult phenomenon only in western countries, sorry folks.
Massive amounts of prostitution will jeopardise at least one record label. Some nugu girl group is going to be discovered supplementing their income stream with streams of jizz from fanboys willing to pay top dollar for idol spelunking. Fans will be able to go to the agency-run brothel and choose not only the girl but their favourite MV concept, which said girl will then recreate in private rooms. Of course gays and hetero females reading this will be pleased/horrified to know that the guys aren’t exempt either, and a similarly floptastic boy group will also be busted hiring out their meaty abs for executive-class fangirl hen’s nights.
AOA will bring back the band concept, but you won’t like it. The label, not eager to kill the newly found source of golden eggs, will aim for a “halfway” band concept that consists of 10 seconds of band footage plus 3 minutes of the group shaking their asses, and the song will still be written by Bravesound so it’ll sound just like all their other new shit anyway. Not that it matters whether they play instruments or not – they’re just some fucking girl group with manufactured songs but fans are acting like they were Led Zeppelin or something. Still, I’ll be grateful for Youkyung’s release from the dungeon so I can resume fapping to her.
I’ll leave the last exciting prediction for AOA themselves:
* Remember folks that according to Wikipedia “a great deal of reported extrasensory perception is said to occur spontaneously in conditions which are not scientifically controlled, and that “such experiences have often been reported to be much stronger and more obvious than those observed in laboratory experiments“. In other words, I’m right and if you try to prove me wrong using an evidence-based scientific approach, you’re wrong. Unless of course I’m wrong, which I could be, but you’re still wrong anyway. Unless you believe that I’m right. Which I may or may not be. Make sense? If not, good – you’re getting the idea of how ESP works. That’s all for now, Kpopalypse will be back in the future! I have forseen it!