Five word k-pop song reviews!

It’s well-documented (by me) that I’m not much of a fan of writing song reviews.  However, song reviews are also something that readers really like, and I always get bombarded with lots of requests to do them, so I try to do my best to cater to popular demand.

eunsongr

The last time I decided to review songs I wrote a Haiku review post, and looking back on it now, a thought occurred to me: Haiku is way too long.  Who’s got time to read all those syllables just to find out what someone thinks?  Certainly not the average k-pop listener – isn’t our short attention span and need for instant gratification part of the reason why we like k-pop in the first place?

Therefore, to satisfy the thirst for endless song reviews in the most appropriate manner possible, I asked for submissions via my ask.fm for songs that readers wanted me to review and got a bunch of responses, and now I’m going to review each one… in only five words!  You’ll be hard-pressed to find any k-pop song reviews on the Internet more thoughtless and tossed-off than these!  Enjoy (or bitch, your choice)!

KPOPALYPSE’S FIVE WORD SONG REVIEWS FOR K-POP FANS WITH ULTRA-SHORT ATTENTION SPANS!


 4Minute – HuH

Back when 4Minute were good

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miss A – Breathe

Even worse than T-ara’s “Yayaya”

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Girls’ Generation – Beep Beep

Ear grating J-pop by numbers

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After School Red – Into The Night Sky

Bravesound actually putting effort in

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f(x) – Airplane

Pink Tape does not suck

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BTS – Boy In Luv

Think of the furniture, please

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VIXX – Eternity

Satyricon’s “Mother North” goes k-pop

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Lee Jung Hyun – Peace

Tank just missed her, damn

*

AlphaBAT – Tantara

Stop playing with your truncheon

*

VIXX – Only U

More guitar, less singing please

*

Orange Caramel – A-ing

Sorry can’t write review, fapping

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Stellar – T.I.E.

Only an intro, too short

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Smile.G – DoBiDoBop

K-pop blues trend must die

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Girls’ Generation – Trick

Y u no feature track

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Wonder Girls – Stop

“Sohee’s stalker fuck off” anthem

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After School – Virgin

Better than their Korean features

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miss A – No Mercy

Nice beat but meh song

*

Super Junior – Butterfly

Shindong losing pounds via dubstep

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f(x) – Toy

Good song cao ni ma

*

Brown Eyed Girls – L.O.V.E.

T-ara’s “Lies” at double speed

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Sistar – Give It To Me

KARA’s Pandora at half speed

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Brown Eyed Girls ft. Cho PD – Hold The Line

Vocal harmonies make me ill

*

m-flo loves Alex – Love Me After 12AM

Better than Jamiroquai’s worthless trash

*

Sunny Hill – Puppetry

Guy, you’re in the way

*

Miryo ft. Sunny – I Love You, I Love You

Love the way you copy

*

Orange Caramel – Abing Abing

Raina fap fap fap fap

*

Park Ji Yoon – Inner Space

Good elevator or hold music

*

BTS – Tomorrow

Not a single, good decision

*

After School – Shh

Kraftwerk plus Raina equals fap

*

Ladies Code – So Wonderful

Not as wonderful as promised

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Neon Bunny – It’s You

Sorry Martina this song stinks

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PSY – Gangnam Style

Aren’t we sick of this?

*

Akdong Musician – Melted

Melting my brain with boredom

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Orange Caramel – Catallena

Sorry readers I’m still fapping

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Lee Hyori – U Go Girl

Boob exposure meets required standards

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Soyou & Junggigo ft ft Lil Boi – Some

Some boring generic R&B trash

*

Daesung – Look At Me Gwi Soon

Stay away from trot, eww

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Park Bom – Don’t Cry

Let’s cry for Akisame’s ears

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Yoseob – Caffeine

Songwriter sure could use caffeine

*

EXO – Overdose

Better than Growl, what isn’t

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Sistar – Push Push

Stick to modelling swimwear, girls

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2PM – A.D.T.O.Y.

Weird but somehow it works

*

BoA – Disturbance

BoA without dancing equals fail

*

Spica – Witch Hunt

Crazy Korean netizen theme song

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B.A.P. – Shady Lady

No metal means no likey

*

VIXX – Voodoo Doll

Concept surprisingly good, song laughable

*

Timez – Hooray For Idols

Laughable concept, song surprisingly good

*

Girls’ Generation – Gee

E-TRIBE fluke a good song

*

Wonder Girls – Nobody

Should have kept this concept

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KARA – Mr.

Butt dance improves good song

*

KARA – Step

Great song, shit costume design

*

T-ara/Seeya/Davichi – Wonder Women

Editing too fast to fap

*

Sunny Hill – Midnight Circus

Ripping off Madness sounds good

*

Epik High – Run

Before shithead netizens ruined everything

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EXO – Machine

As good as EXO get

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EXO – Moonlight

As bad as EXO get

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4Minute – Get On The Floor

Just before 4Minute started sucking

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B2ST – Back To You

B2ST album track doesn’t suck

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Taegoon – Call Me

Park Shin Hye?  Can fap

*

Jaejoong – Just Another Girl

Average without SM’s songwriting team

*

SS501 – Because I’m Stupid

Song title tells no lies

*

VIXX – Secret Night

That breakdown is a “shockurrrr”

*

VIXX – Light Up The Darkness

Better than YG’s swag failures

*

Delight – Paradise

Delight really needs more comebacks

*

Delight – Love Or Hate

No really, they fucking do

*

Nine Muses – Figaro

Best nine girl k-pop group

*

Stellar – Guilty

Sweetune keep on not sucking

*

After School – Dressing Room

Way better than “First Love”

*

Nine Muses – Action

The only nine that matters

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Humming Urban Stereo ft. Narsha – Bullshit

Great production saves average song

*

T-ara – Hue

Lazy filler track, quite boring

*

T-ara – Holiday

This is better than “Hue”

*

U-KISS – Standing Still

Awkward dancing, song’s solid though

*

U-KISS – Doradora

Better hope that DNA sells

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uBeat – It’s Been A Long Time

Does subunit DNA cost less?

*

U-KISS – Erase

Song title – a good suggestion

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U-KISS – Every Day

Please buy my U-KISS albums

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U-KISS – Te Amo

Seriously, it’s cheaper than DNA

*

E.via/Tymee – Night Blooming Roses

Really good, release more stuff

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IU – Cruel Fairy Tale

IU doesn’t suit moody orchestration

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T-ara – Tic Tic Toc

Best album in k-pop seriously

*

Junhyung – Flower

Dull song but nice video

*

2NE1 – Clap Your Hands

Do I have a choice?

*

Younha ft. Eluphant – Not There

Slightly above average boring ballad

*

Tymee – On The River

No “Shake” but it’ll do

*

Brown Eyed Girls – Mystery Survivor

Better than their goddamn singles


eunsle

15 thoughts on “Five word k-pop song reviews!

  1. So five words are enough for a good and funny review, good job! also, just to let you know, reading your post with so much Eunjung images on them have officially turned her in one of my bias

  2. I’m sure you already know it but, you have some serious skill when it comes to blogging! Really love your stuff. My friend and I would appreciate it more than you know if you would check out our blog at kulturalties.wordpress.com. If our blog could be half as good, I’d be happy. Any criticism is welcome 🙂

  3. You have all this U-Kiss and VIXX but no Block B. ::SadFace:: What about Very Good and Jackpot? Pwease?
    Or not. Whatever.

  4. I have a feeling that the next set of reviews won’t even take up 250 words and will consist of just the song titles and “yes” or “no”

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