It’s well-documented (by me) that I’m not much of a fan of writing song reviews. However, song reviews are also something that readers really like, and I always get bombarded with lots of requests to do them, so I try to do my best to cater to popular demand.
The last time I decided to review songs I wrote a Haiku review post, and looking back on it now, a thought occurred to me: Haiku is way too long. Who’s got time to read all those syllables just to find out what someone thinks? Certainly not the average k-pop listener – isn’t our short attention span and need for instant gratification part of the reason why we like k-pop in the first place?
Therefore, to satisfy the thirst for endless song reviews in the most appropriate manner possible, I asked for submissions via my ask.fm for songs that readers wanted me to review and got a bunch of responses, and now I’m going to review each one… in only five words! You’ll be hard-pressed to find any k-pop song reviews on the Internet more thoughtless and tossed-off than these! Enjoy (or bitch, your choice)!
KPOPALYPSE’S FIVE WORD SONG REVIEWS FOR K-POP FANS WITH ULTRA-SHORT ATTENTION SPANS!
Back when 4Minute were good
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Even worse than T-ara’s “Yayaya”
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Ear grating J-pop by numbers
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After School Red – Into The Night Sky
Bravesound actually putting effort in
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Pink Tape does not suck
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Think of the furniture, please
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Satyricon’s “Mother North” goes k-pop
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Tank just missed her, damn
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Stop playing with your truncheon
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More guitar, less singing please
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Sorry can’t write review, fapping
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Only an intro, too short
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K-pop blues trend must die
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Y u no feature track
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“Sohee’s stalker fuck off” anthem
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Better than their Korean features
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Nice beat but meh song
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Shindong losing pounds via dubstep
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Good song cao ni ma
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T-ara’s “Lies” at double speed
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KARA’s Pandora at half speed
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Brown Eyed Girls ft. Cho PD – Hold The Line
Vocal harmonies make me ill
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m-flo loves Alex – Love Me After 12AM
Better than Jamiroquai’s worthless trash
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Guy, you’re in the way
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Miryo ft. Sunny – I Love You, I Love You
Love the way you copy
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Raina fap fap fap fap
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Good elevator or hold music
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Not a single, good decision
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Kraftwerk plus Raina equals fap
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Not as wonderful as promised
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Sorry Martina this song stinks
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Aren’t we sick of this?
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Melting my brain with boredom
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Sorry readers I’m still fapping
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Boob exposure meets required standards
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Soyou & Junggigo ft ft Lil Boi – Some
Some boring generic R&B trash
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Stay away from trot, eww
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Let’s cry for Akisame’s ears
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Songwriter sure could use caffeine
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Better than Growl, what isn’t
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Stick to modelling swimwear, girls
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Weird but somehow it works
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BoA without dancing equals fail
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Crazy Korean netizen theme song
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No metal means no likey
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Concept surprisingly good, song laughable
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Laughable concept, song surprisingly good
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E-TRIBE fluke a good song
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Should have kept this concept
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Butt dance improves good song
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Great song, shit costume design
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T-ara/Seeya/Davichi – Wonder Women
Editing too fast to fap
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Ripping off Madness sounds good
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Before shithead netizens ruined everything
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As good as EXO get
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As bad as EXO get
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Just before 4Minute started sucking
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B2ST album track doesn’t suck
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Park Shin Hye? Can fap
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Average without SM’s songwriting team
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Song title tells no lies
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That breakdown is a “shockurrrr”
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Better than YG’s swag failures
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Delight really needs more comebacks
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No really, they fucking do
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Best nine girl k-pop group
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Sweetune keep on not sucking
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Way better than “First Love”
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The only nine that matters
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Humming Urban Stereo ft. Narsha – Bullshit
Great production saves average song
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Lazy filler track, quite boring
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This is better than “Hue”
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Awkward dancing, song’s solid though
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Better hope that DNA sells
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Does subunit DNA cost less?
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Song title – a good suggestion
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Please buy my U-KISS albums
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Seriously, it’s cheaper than DNA
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E.via/Tymee – Night Blooming Roses
Really good, release more stuff
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IU doesn’t suit moody orchestration
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Best album in k-pop seriously
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Dull song but nice video
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Do I have a choice?
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Younha ft. Eluphant – Not There
Slightly above average boring ballad
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No “Shake” but it’ll do
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Brown Eyed Girls – Mystery Survivor
Better than their goddamn singles
LOL
I see you put about as much effort into this comment as I put into my reviews.
Indeed. Why put more effort into a comment than what is really needed?
Glad to see my attitude is catching on 😀
So five words are enough for a good and funny review, good job! also, just to let you know, reading your post with so much Eunjung images on them have officially turned her in one of my bias
Hahaha cool, thanks!
I’m sure you already know it but, you have some serious skill when it comes to blogging! Really love your stuff. My friend and I would appreciate it more than you know if you would check out our blog at kulturalties.wordpress.com. If our blog could be half as good, I’d be happy. Any criticism is welcome 🙂
I’ll take a look, thanks!
You have all this U-Kiss and VIXX but no Block B. ::SadFace:: What about Very Good and Jackpot? Pwease?
Or not. Whatever.
Block B wasn’t requested, for some reason.
May I request it now?
No but if I ever do a similar post in the future feel free to request it then! Keep an eye on my ask.fm because if I’m doing something like this I’ll tip you off there.
I have a feeling that the next set of reviews won’t even take up 250 words and will consist of just the song titles and “yes” or “no”
Maybe. I don’t want to give away my plans though. 😀
This was one of the best blog posts I have ever seen. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. You should so more of these!