It’s well-documented (by me) that I’m not much of a fan of writing song reviews.  However, song reviews are also something that readers really like, and I always get bombarded with lots of requests to do them, so I try to do my best to cater to popular demand.

The last time I decided to review songs I wrote a Haiku review post, and looking back on it now, a thought occurred to me: Haiku is way too long.  Who’s got time to read all those syllables just to find out what someone thinks?  Certainly not the average k-pop listener – isn’t our short attention span and need for instant gratification part of the reason why we like k-pop in the first place?

Therefore, to satisfy the thirst for endless song reviews in the most appropriate manner possible, I asked for submissions via my ask.fm for songs that readers wanted me to review and got a bunch of responses, and now I’m going to review each one… in only five words!  You’ll be hard-pressed to find any k-pop song reviews on the Internet more thoughtless and tossed-off than these!  Enjoy (or bitch, your choice)!

KPOPALYPSE’S FIVE WORD SONG REVIEWS FOR K-POP FANS WITH ULTRA-SHORT ATTENTION SPANS!

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 4Minute – HuH

Back when 4Minute were good

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miss A – Breathe

Even worse than T-ara’s “Yayaya”

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Girls’ Generation – Beep Beep

Ear grating J-pop by numbers

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After School Red – Into The Night Sky

Bravesound actually putting effort in

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f(x) – Airplane

Pink Tape does not suck

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BTS – Boy In Luv

Think of the furniture, please

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VIXX – Eternity

Satyricon’s “Mother North” goes k-pop

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Lee Jung Hyun – Peace

Tank just missed her, damn

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AlphaBAT – Tantara

Stop playing with your truncheon

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VIXX – Only U

More guitar, less singing please

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Orange Caramel – A-ing

Sorry can’t write review, fapping

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Stellar – T.I.E.

Only an intro, too short

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Smile.G – DoBiDoBop

K-pop blues trend must die

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Girls’ Generation – Trick

Y u no feature track

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Wonder Girls – Stop

“Sohee’s stalker fuck off” anthem

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After School – Virgin

Better than their Korean features

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miss A – No Mercy

Nice beat but meh song

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Super Junior – Butterfly

Shindong losing pounds via dubstep

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f(x) – Toy

Good song cao ni ma

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Brown Eyed Girls – L.O.V.E.

T-ara’s “Lies” at double speed

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Sistar – Give It To Me

KARA’s Pandora at half speed

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Brown Eyed Girls ft. Cho PD – Hold The Line

Vocal harmonies make me ill

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m-flo loves Alex – Love Me After 12AM

Better than Jamiroquai’s worthless trash

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Sunny Hill – Puppetry

Guy, you’re in the way

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Miryo ft. Sunny – I Love You, I Love You

Love the way you copy

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Orange Caramel – Abing Abing

Raina fap fap fap fap

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Park Ji Yoon – Inner Space

Good elevator or hold music

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BTS – Tomorrow

Not a single, good decision

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After School – Shh

Kraftwerk plus Raina equals fap

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Ladies Code – So Wonderful

Not as wonderful as promised

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Neon Bunny – It’s You

Sorry Martina this song stinks

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PSY – Gangnam Style

Aren’t we sick of this?

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Akdong Musician – Melted

Melting my brain with boredom

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Orange Caramel – Catallena

Sorry readers I’m still fapping

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Lee Hyori – U Go Girl

Boob exposure meets required standards

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Soyou & Junggigo ft ft Lil Boi – Some

Some boring generic R&B trash

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Daesung – Look At Me Gwi Soon

Stay away from trot, eww

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Park Bom – Don’t Cry

Let’s cry for Akisame’s ears

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Yoseob – Caffeine

Songwriter sure could use caffeine

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EXO – Overdose

Better than Growl, what isn’t

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Sistar – Push Push

Stick to modelling swimwear, girls

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2PM – A.D.T.O.Y.

Weird but somehow it works

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BoA – Disturbance

BoA without dancing equals fail

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Spica – Witch Hunt

Crazy Korean netizen theme song

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B.A.P. – Shady Lady

No metal means no likey

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VIXX – Voodoo Doll

Concept surprisingly good, song laughable

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Timez – Hooray For Idols

Laughable concept, song surprisingly good

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Girls’ Generation – Gee

E-TRIBE fluke a good song

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Wonder Girls – Nobody

Should have kept this concept

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KARA – Mr.

Butt dance improves good song

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KARA – Step

Great song, shit costume design

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T-ara/Seeya/Davichi – Wonder Women

Editing too fast to fap

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Sunny Hill – Midnight Circus

Ripping off Madness sounds good

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Epik High – Run

Before shithead netizens ruined everything

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EXO – Machine

As good as EXO get

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EXO – Moonlight

As bad as EXO get

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4Minute – Get On The Floor

Just before 4Minute started sucking

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B2ST – Back To You

B2ST album track doesn’t suck

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Taegoon – Call Me

Park Shin Hye?  Can fap

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Jaejoong – Just Another Girl

Average without SM’s songwriting team

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SS501 – Because I’m Stupid

Song title tells no lies

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VIXX – Secret Night

That breakdown is a “shockurrrr”

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VIXX – Light Up The Darkness

Better than YG’s swag failures

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Delight – Paradise

Delight really needs more comebacks

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Delight – Love Or Hate

No really, they fucking do

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Nine Muses – Figaro

Best nine girl k-pop group

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Stellar – Guilty

Sweetune keep on not sucking

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After School – Dressing Room

Way better than “First Love”

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Nine Muses – Action

The only nine that matters

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Humming Urban Stereo ft. Narsha – Bullshit

Great production saves average song

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T-ara – Hue

Lazy filler track, quite boring

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T-ara – Holiday

This is better than “Hue”

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U-KISS – Standing Still

Awkward dancing, song’s solid though

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U-KISS – Doradora

Better hope that DNA sells

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uBeat – It’s Been A Long Time

Does subunit DNA cost less?

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U-KISS – Erase

Song title – a good suggestion

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U-KISS – Every Day

Please buy my U-KISS albums

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U-KISS – Te Amo

Seriously, it’s cheaper than DNA

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E.via/Tymee – Night Blooming Roses

Really good, release more stuff

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IU – Cruel Fairy Tale

IU doesn’t suit moody orchestration

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T-ara – Tic Tic Toc

Best album in k-pop seriously

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Junhyung – Flower

Dull song but nice video

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2NE1 – Clap Your Hands

Do I have a choice?

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Younha ft. Eluphant – Not There

Slightly above average boring ballad

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Tymee – On The River

No “Shake” but it’ll do

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Brown Eyed Girls – Mystery Survivor

Better than their goddamn singles

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