That’s right you fucking whorebags, it’s time for another episode of:
Once again I’m going to be delivering you three MVs with less than 20,000 YouTube hits each and we’re going to put their nugu credentials to the test! Let’s get started!
Today’s theme is awkward-as-fucking-shit dancing. K-pop doesn’t usually get the dancing wrong, and even in the rare instances when it does, the wrong dancing often becomes a popularity point, so finding videos that had stupid-looking dancing AND were unpopular enough to qualify for Nugu Alert was difficult. However as always my determination levels were high enough to see the task through to completion.
Let’s start off with a video that was simply born for a Nugu Alert feature.
A-Force – Wonder Woman
How this video hasn’t gone viral yet across the Internet community is completely beyond me. This is a music video that seems tailor-made for places like Encyclopedia Dramatica and 4chan. I was surprised myself when I clicked on this much loved/loathed video recently and saw the tiny amount of hits that it had. I’ve seen it posted on k-pop forums before whenever “worst song ever” or “cheapest MV” type topics come up, so I just assumed that it was already infamous among international k-pop fans and I really thought it would have a bit more traffic by now. I guess not, and it’s a shame because all corners of this Earth really need to know about A-Force’s “Wonder Woman”. If this post goes a little way toward helping A-Force become viral, I can die happy knowing that I have achieved something in this world – maybe not something good, but at least something.
The team behind A-Force’s “Wonder Woman” gets literally everything wrong: unbelievably bad dance routines, leaden Bedazzler-makeup (pre-2NE1!), terrible music, hopeless visual design, incorrect lighting… and on and on it goes. They couldn’t even get the video aspect ratio right, making everyone look like pudgy dwarves, and it could be argued maybe that’s the fault of the uploader, but then almost nothing else on the uploader’s channel has wrong aspect ratio so I don’t think it’s an excuse. I’m one of those people who hates wrong aspect ratio, if I’m visiting a friend and they’re watching TV with incorrect aspect ratio setup and they were too stupid to notice or too lazy to care, I have to be really OCD about it and spend the next half an hour fucking around with their remote control figuring out how to change it. It’s lost me a few friends, but who needs friends like that – if you’re going to spend your life watching TV (which has to be the second-laziest activity on the planet) at least have enough determination to do it correctly.
I challenge you not to laugh out loud when you see the dance routines for the first time. The “Nazi goose-step” at the start is just the beginning – wait until you hit the “shuffling crab” and “crying baby” solo routine from the guy with the makeup that looks like a tyre fell on his head while he was changing his motorbike oil, you’ll be in stitches. You also have to see A-Force do this song live, where at least they got the makeup and lighting right, because the backstage makeup coordinator at Music Core probably took one look at them and said “right – you people are not going up there with that shit on your face, wash it all off and we’ll start again”.
The looks on Tiffany and Yuri’s faces at the end of the performance say it all:
They can’t believe it either. It’s hard not to feel sorry for everybody involved. If I ever did a “30 worst songs of the golden years of k-pop” post, this song would be a serious contender for #1 position. Luckily for A-Force,
such a list would be impossible for me to create because most of the truly awful music from the last few years has already been lost in time and would take too long to collate and put together. EDIT: scratch that motherfuckers, here it is. In the meantime just enjoy this video or at least take a lesson from it: make sure that if you ever debut in k-pop, you do it with a company that at least knows the basics. Suddenly that new Chad Future video is looking a whole lot less awkward in comparison.
YouTube views at time of watching: 6466
Notable attribute: the fact that it’s not a massive viral hit
LUMI-L – Cup Of Coffee
On the other hand, LUMI-L’s “Cup Of Coffee” is quite listenable and competently produced overall. LUMI-L herself is even actually really cute (it helps when your stylist actually knows something about styling) and there were certainly plenty of worse songs that were released in 2013. So why wasn’t this a big hit with the international k-pop community?
Maybe it’s got something to do with that hand-dance in the chorus, which does look a little bit ridiculous and out-of-place especially on the male backing dancers, although next to what we just saw above from A-Force it’s actually looking pretty tame and at least it’s fucking synchronised. I guess on such a furniture-laden set they didn’t have much choice except a dance that is all arms. Or maybe it’s the typically bizarre k-pop MV plot about the guy crushing on some fat chick complete with the usual painfully-overdone Korean humour. When the song starts off with first person perspective doughnut-cam you know that the usual Korean obsession with body image is in full force and I’m amazed that the more flag-waving feminist k-pop bloggers didn’t have a field day with this and write a fucking thesis on it… oh wait, of course, they didn’t write about it because it wouldn’t generate as much web traffic as the 247th article about sexy concepts. Silly me, how could I forget. As usual it’s up to me to put in the hard yards and highlight the gender issues nobody else wants to discuss because it’s not trendy. Anyway here’s a live version with LUMI-L looking just as qt, the silly dancing somewhat obscured by the lightshow and no overweight extras clogging up the entertainment arteries.
YouTube views at time of watching: 11577
Notable attribute: makes you wish your favourite FPS game had a doughnut melee weapon
AshGray ft. Gilme – Killheel
Don’t be fooled by the relatively high amount of hits. This song is very deep in nugu territory – the few people who clicked on this one were clearly just fapping to the incredibly awkward-looking English teachers making a little extra money on the side dancing in a video that they hope their friends back in Canada or wherever don’t see. I have a female friend who went to Korea for a while to teach English and I half-expected to see her turn up in this thing, which would have been great because then I could have given her some shit about it online and she would have been mortified about being busted being awkward in a video for $50. This video is worth a look by you just so you can check to see if anyone you know is in it.
Anyway the group clearly aren’t stupid – they know that they need the dancing girls to draw you into this fairly average pop music so they mostly stay out of it visually, and while it’s not anywhere near as raunchy as that song from Fresh Boyz (see Nugu Alert Episode 1) the effect is still the same, because men are desperate and horny. Check out the amount of hits for the live versions of the song that don’t have dancing girls in them:
I could post a video of three minutes of the brick wall in my lounge room just sitting there being a brick wall and it would get more web traffic than some of these. Poor AshGray – nobody is supporting these nugu fucks. Why don’t you go right now and buy their fucking shit out of sympathy, tell them Kpopalypse sent you. Also tell them that I’ll interview them, someone’s gotta help these poor cunts sell a CD, they must be broke as shit – you can tell because they couldn’t even afford Gilme’s appearance fee for the MV so they just got the models to mime those bits. The group are probably begging on the streets or whoring themselves out in gay brothels to make a buck right now so I think you should give them some cash. I won’t link a live video up here though because you k-pop fans have already made it quite clear through your online activity that you don’t want to actually see their faces.
YouTube views at time of watching: 13461
Notable attribute: your friend from Uni who went to Busan for 6 months to teach English is probably in this