The other night was a rough night.
There I was, trying to get to sleep, with little success. Having lived in Australia my whole life, I’m accustomed to days in a row of 40+ degrees desert heat in summer; it doesn’t bother me too much as long as it’s cool overnight. What I struggle with more is when it only gets down to about 30 degrees at night, then it’s hard to sleep because there’s no real break in the heat. We’re getting more and more nights like that lately, probably from all you kids overseas burning all your carbons fapping to Girl’s Day videos.
Anyway I was starting to get a headache from the heat and the tiredness, so I reached for my familiar painkillers. Fumbling for the packet in the pitch black, I popped two pills out of the foil and hastily chugged them down with some water. The texture of the pills felt a little different to normal but to be honest I didn’t really check them closely, I’m sure it was just the heat making it seem that way. I then lay back on the bed and waited for the codeine to take effect.
Normally my preferred brand of painkillers take between 60 and 90 minutes to kick in, so I was pleasantly surprised to note that I started to feel incredibly drowsy after less than five minutes. Staring up at the ceiling, I noticed that I was having trouble focusing on a single point, it was as if the room started to swirl around me. Then I started to notice that the ceiling concealed a figure of a person, which gradually became clearer and clearer:
It was Raina, from After School/Orange Caramel! Immediately I thought to myself “could this be real?”. This brief pondering was soon substituted with another more pressing, more urgent question – “will she be offended if I fap right now?” – I reached down to assume optimal fapping position but Raina put her hand up to stop me immediately.
“No… not yet. I have an important message for you.” spoke Raina calmly, in perfect English.
Stunned, I lay in silence and watched as Raina, now clearly visible and floating directly above my head, gave a speech.
“I, Raina, declare that I am the one true deity. I hereby also declare the following as trufax:
- You shall have no other gods before Raina.
- You shall not create false idols, the idol industry is saturated enough.
- You shall not take the name of Raina in vain.
- Remember the Orange Caramel comeback day, to keep it holy.
- Honor your father and your mother for without them you would not be born and thus not be aware of Raina.
- You shall not murder on the dancefloor, you’d better not kill the groove.
- You shall not commit adultery, but fapping to my pics is okay.
- You shall not steal, please acquire all Raina content from legal sources.
- You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor using Photoshop, rumour mills and out-of-context video editing.
- You shall not covet your neighbour’s ass, only the asses on fancams and GIFs.”
Raina dropped a piece of paper at my feet, containing her speech.
“That’s it. I’m going. You can fap now. Do you want me to do some poses before I leave?”
I nodded enthusiastically. Why waste the opportunity?
Since I have been the recipient of this divine visitation, I decided after I cleaned myself off to form a new religion called “Rainaism” (not to be confused with “Rainism“). As the divine connection between the one true god Raina and the rest of the world, I’ve also written a “divinely inspired” holy book, because every religion needs one of those.
There’s a whole bunch of rules and shit in this book I wrote but since people only ever read the bits of holy books that they want to read and ignore the parts that don’t sit with their preconceived worldview, I’ll just give you a few edited highlights catechism-style I can save you some of the trouble of picking and choosing what annoyingly outdated and unrealistic rules to follow:
* Rainaism is a religion of peace, which means no wars with other countries, religions or k-pop fandoms are allowed under any circumstances (yes I’m a bit more strict about adhering to this than every other organised religion is ahem). This means you’re not allowed to downvote anything on k-pop forums or articles, and in fact Raina in her divine wisdom recently disabled the ability to have visible downvotes on the Disqus commenting platform to get you all started. Also no keyboard warrioring where you abuse others and so forth because that’s nasty and we’re all about being kind.
* Anyone saying negative things about Raina or things that could be potentially construed as negative should edit and/or modify their comments so they are no longer potentially negative, or remove the comments. I’m not asking them to follow the doctrine of Rainaism, they should just follow this particular rule as a sign of respect to the religious beliefs of Rainaists. If they don’t do this, then the first point no longer applies and it’s basically open season so feel free to be a cunt, like, whatever.
* All adherents to Rainaism should practice universal love and tolerance of other people’s belief systems. All adherents to other religious beliefs should be welcomed with open arms by Rainaists, unless those other people don’t also love Raina, in which case they are obviously objectively wrong so feel free to educate them that they are wrong using whatever method works.
* Although it’s certainly not mandatory, it’s totally okay and strongly encouraged to give money to the founder of the religion (me) in order to help strengthen the Rainaism movement worldwide, and failure to do this as a follower means that you might feel appropriately guilty.
* Fapping over Raina should take place at least weekly for those in relationships, or daily for those who are single and thus have no excuse to not adhere to a rigorous fap schedule. It is okay to be in a straight, gay or other relationship, marry or don’t marry, have sex or don’t have sex etc as long as you still worship Raina and fap over her regularly.
I think that covers off the main points. I realise that some of these points are completely contradictory but hey, it’s an organised religion, that’s how they all roll. Here’s some material to help you on your way to becoming a Rainaist.