The 9 biases of KPOPALYPSE

Today Anti Kpop-Fangirl’s affiliation with k-pop discussion forum site OneHallyu has gained my attention.  This seems like a great move to me, because OneHallyu is a useful resource for k-pop fans.  However, the affiliation has alerted me to a curious misconception that some OneHallyu users have about Anti Kpop-Fangirl (despite a FAQ existing to address exactly such misconceptions):

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As well as confirming a commonly-shared reader preference:

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So it’s in the interests of “giving the people what they want”, that I now present to you my k-pop bias list.

Presenting my biases should hopefully accomplish the following:

1.  It will demonstrate that I as an Anti Kpop-Fangirl author do not hate k-pop idols by default, and in fact I don’t hate ANY k-pop idols – how can I hate someone I don’t even know?  That’s just dumb.

2.  Those of you whose biases align with mine may uncover fresh fap material.

3.  Those of you whose biases do not align with mine might get incredibly butthurt about who I consider to be attractive and make some ridiculous posts (as if someone else is not allowed to have a different opinion to yours on the very personal matter of sexual preference), and I will find this amusing.

4.  Some dopey person with feminist pretensions might comment about how I’m objectifying women which might give me some great material for a future blog where I rip your superficial argument to shreds in about three sentences (but probably more, knowing me).

I consider this a win/win/win/win.  Let’s get started, starting from the hottest (according to me ahem) first because why keep you in suspense.

1. RAINA (AFTER SCHOOL/ORANGE CARAMEL)

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You knew it had to be Raina, I don’t exactly keep my Raina-fetish a secret.  But why her?  Inquiring minds want to know:

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I’ll be honest – Raina rarely takes a good photo, especially in After School where she’s constantly shoehorned into concepts that don’t suit her look.  She’s not overly photogenic even in ideal conditions and is best appreciated while moving, like in this super-cute CF for some festival or whatever bullshit:

And this interview:

And Orange Caramel’s fetish-friendly MVs:

This section on Raina took me about two hours to write, by the way – I kept getting distracted and replaying the videos over and over.  I hope you appreciate the effort it took me to get this far through the blog post.

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I’m going to keep using this photo of Raina too because it’s so great.  What a cute and smug-looking little chipmunk.  I want to make a hole in the tree outside my place and move her in there.

2. EUNJUNG (T-ARA)

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T-ara’s Eunjung on the other hand synergises perfectly with the camera lens and simply cannot take a bad photo.  The only times she looks awkward is in the very few photos of her that exist with long hair (which just doesn’t suit her – Eunjung was born for short hair) or awkward and unnecessary waist Photoshop that overemphasises her already-broad shoulders.  Other than that, she can do no wrong.

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Even with her tongue half hanging out like in every second picture of her ever she still looks thoroughly boneable.  The fact that a k-pop girl can have basically the same physique as f(x)’s Amber and still look this good and climb up to the #2 position on my bias list shows that she’s just got “it”, whatever “it” is.  Maybe it’s that super cute smile.  Maybe it’s that habitual tongue thing as I do have a bit of a thing for tongue things.  Or maybe it’s the thought that she may have sexily bullied Hwayoung in CCM’s secret underground jelly arena, pulling her awkwardly through the translucent slime by her hair while frequently slipping and inadvertently tearing her own undergarments… it’s always the bad girls that are the sexiest.

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Why do you think every other fucking k-pop song ever is called “Bad Girl” or “Bad Girls” or “Good Girl, Bad Girl” and none of them are called “Good Girl Who Stays Good?”  Way to get yourself on my bias list, Eunjung you sexy (alleged with extremely weak strawman evidence that would last all of 30 seconds in a courtroom before being laughed out by any rational person ahem) bully, you.  Even seriously de-glam she looks amazing.

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I suddenly feel like leaping into this photo and grabbing those two round, firm eggs.  Guess I must be hungry.

3. SULLI (F(X))

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Sulli, like a lot of girls on this list, also isn’t someone with a body type that I traditionally like, but shit like that doesn’t matter when you have a face cute enough to compensate for any such shortfalls, and then some.  She’s also apparently a rude bitch who doesn’t give much of a fuck about anything which of course makes me like her even more, because I can certainly relate to that.  Fuck all those stupid nice ladies in groups, nasty girls have way more personality and style, plus they’re better in bed.  You’ll find that this is a recurring theme on this list.

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Also, if she ever had a situation in her life like in the film “The Pianist” where the starving guy is trying to crack open the can of food without a can opener, Sulli could just use the fucking side of her cheekbones for that shit and slice that can of beans open in half a second flat.

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Sulli also has a weird eye asymmetry thing going on, her left eye has a bit of a lazy eyelid (which has probably been shopped a bit in this photo, but it’s much more noticeable in the next photo down).  This is hot; subtle imperfections are sexy and reinforce the idea that you’re fapping over a person and not a CGI creation.  Not that there’s anything wrong with fapping over Hatsune Miku or whatever if that’s what floats your boat but k-pop fans should be able to do a bit better than that with the ample resources at their disposal.

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Sulli is probably also the only person in the history of Korean idol pop since the genre’s inception to make a duckface in a selca and still look hot and shaggable and not like a complete fucking idiot who should be bashed in the face with a shovel.  I think that’s an achievement worthy of some bias points all on its own.

4. SEUNGHEE (F-VE DOLLS)

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It’s a good thing for me that CEO of Core Contents Media and loveable figure of fun KKS doesn’t listen to a fucking word any of you people say, or he would have hung himself from a bridge by now, and may not have lived long enough to keep tinkering with his groups like a mad scientist.  This is good because the latest thing he’s done to F-ve Dolls besides fuck both their name and concept up by making them a six-piece is introduce to their lineup one of the most smoking hot ladies in all of k-pop.

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Seunghee is so hot that she has to put her hand over her vag in this photo or you might see some inner thigh and have a heart attack from the fucking hotness.

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You’ll have to forgive the somewhat shit quality of these scans – I couldn’t find many decent quality large size pictures of Seunghee for this blog given how nugu she is, so I just scanned in the photocards from my copy of the “First Love” mini-album – and my scanner isn’t exactly top of the range so it leaves shitty horizontal lines everywhere.  If you’ve got better quality versions of the first two images, let me know.

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Stop applying that makeup Seunghee, you’re already far enough in front on this fucking list.

5. SUNNY (GIRLS’ GENERATION)

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Sunny is Girls’ Generation’s equivalent of 2NE1’s Dara in the sense that she’s probably been styled flatteringly in about 5% of all her MVs and public appearances, but unlike Dara she has a cute face and actual boobs and I would bring the boys out all over that cleavage.  It’s enough to make someone thirsty.

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Of course her short height is adding significantly to the impression of bustiness, but that’s okay.  This is k-pop where true bustiness unaffected by padding is rare so I’ll take what I can get.  Let’s not look a gift Sunny in the boob.

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Also, perhaps like Raina she’s also one of those people best appreciated while moving.

Don’t you think?

6. QRI (T-ARA)

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Possessing outstanding eyes and model-esque looks, Seunghee is basically Qri 2.0 – so this is obviously the type of thing that CCM shop for, and if I was running a k-pop label, so would I.

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Sure, Qri has had a dodgy eye-bag photo or two lately, but you’ve gotta remember that like all k-pop groups, these girls get only two or three hours sleep per night during promotions so self-taken photos ain’t always gonna look great especially if the stage makeup (which is only designed to look good at a distance) is still on.  Once the right kind of protein-based eye cream is applied, I’m sure she always looks fine.

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That dot on her nose has got to form part of her appeal too.   It’s probably some kind of eyebeam focusing instrument, or maybe Qri is a double-agent for SM Entertainment and that nose dot is a microdot that captures and stores data from CCM HQ to send back to SM so they can work out sneaky strategies to keep the CCM acts with their superior songs from dominating over SM’s weaker new catalogue.  Now you know why Qri never tweeted Hwayoung… ahhh, it all fits together now doesn’t it, just like any well-written conspiracy theory…

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If it’s true I might have to jizz on that nose to sabotage the microdot and save T-ara’s careers from the sneaky control of SM.  That’s the kind of selfless sacrifice I’d be willing to make for T-ara out of the goodness of my heart.  How could anyone ever say that I’m anti-idol?

7. WAY (CRAYON POP)

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No posey promo photos for Way because Way is all about being gangster and that’s why she gets on this list.  Lawbreaking gangster k-pop girls are hot as fuck and don’t pose for your fucking camera, you weak cunt.  You’ll be lucky if you even get to take the photo at all before she rolls up on your ass with a whole crew and schools your bitch ass.  Look at that face bandaid, this girl knows no fear.

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She pushed that Sunny chick around just to show her who the new queens of k-pop really are, and SNSD fans retaliated with nasty messages.  Then the next day, one of SM Entertainment’s sponsor’s buildings gets burned the fuck down.  Coincidence – I THINK NOT.  Got anything smart to say now, netizens?  Don’t make her torch your parents’ house next, you little shitheads, because if you keep pushing it this girl is going to get Norwegian Black Metal on your ass.

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Here she is in the Crayon Pop gang’s traditional ceremonial attire.  The red mitten that only she wears is code that means she’s the designated killer, it’s symbolic that she has “blood on her hands”.  How sexy as fuck is this.  You are getting a boner right now.

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Don’t fuck with Way or talk shit about her on the Internet with your lame rumours and crap because her group will show you the “way” to an ass-beating, you fucking clown.  Also she’s cute, I would pop her crayons.  Way if you’re reading this, it’s a compliment, please don’t send a posse around to stab me in my sleep thanks.

8. LIZZY (AFTER SCHOOL/ORANGE CARAMEL)

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After School/Orange Caramel’s resident porn addict Lizzy gets on my bias list not just for being pretty and making a concerted effort to display her boobs in the best possible light, but also for generally giving off serious vibes of being a smut fiend who wants the D.  Here’s Lizzy sneakily demonstrating minimum size requirement under the guise of the “Funny Hunny” dance:

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Guys, you must measure up to at least this length before calling into Pledis HQ or phoning Shinsadong Tiger for a meetup (which is probably why G-Dragon didn’t make the cut).

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She seems keen, always a positive.  Pity she’s pulling a horrid duckface in about 95% of all her promotional material, but get her to stop doing that for ten seconds and she’s very pretty indeed.

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10/10 – would watch JAVs with.

9. MINKYUNG (DAVICHI)

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Technically I’m told that Davichi aren’t really “idols” but I actually don’t really give a shit about designations like that because I idolise this girl’s pretty face and pert boobies so here’s some Minkyung pictures anyway.  Minkyung is a born model and looks just as good in promotional and CF images as she does in paparazzi shots:

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Or POV amateur porn movies:

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And best of all, she knows how to cook, isn’t that what you want in a woman, of course it is.*  Hey, fuck it, the more humourless armchair feminist contingent out there probably already hate me for the entire concept of this blog post (despite the fact that the male equivalent is everywhere) so I might as well go the whole hog and trash my reputation with them completely.

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* Actually I know how to cook as good or better than any girl I’ve ever been out with and I cook for my girlfriends all the time so STFU cuntface.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this bias list and learned some important lessons:

1.  No I don’t hate idols, but…

2.  …a sense of humour is not a crime, and…

3.  …k-pop girls are hot.

Thanks for your time.  Fap safely.

18 thoughts on “The 9 biases of KPOPALYPSE

  1. Pingback: The Problem of 2NE1: Women and Star Construction in K-Pop | 240 Films

    • Well she’s obviously not on it, is she. If I’d extended it out a bit more she may have made it on though – she’s certainly someone I wouldn’t kick out of bed.

  2. I love to see that so many of your bias picks coincide with mine, but not necessarily in the same order. Should I be worried? LOL! I’m sure I know why, but I want to ask: why did you pick just Way, and not both twins?

  3. I followed the link on the Sulli attitude and I’m confused. I didn’t see rudeness. I guess I just don’t get it. Love your picks though.

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