Anybody who is anybody that follows k-pop will know that the website Allkpop has been the most popular news and information site for a while now. They also seem to be the most hated.
Of course, everybody likes to hate something that is really popular, but I personally find that there’s plenty of legitimate reasons to not be that fond of Allkpop. Let’s look at some of the reasons that may have caused people to dislike Allkpop, and then I’ll tell you why I personally dislike them. It’s not what you think.
Potential reasons to not like or visit Allkpop:
1. The whole Ailee nude photos thing, documented here and here, and of course here. This is still an ongoing situation of course, and I won’t comment about it in this post because it’s territory already covered by other people who know more about the issue and are doing a far better job of discussing it than I would. I’m starting to like Ailee a lot more lately thanks to all this though; as long as she doesn’t sing fucking “Grown Up Christmas Wish” again anytime this December she’s alright by me.
2. The fact that the service they provide is redundant.
3. Allkpop’s history as a really unfunny anti-kpop “humour” site. Veterans of k-pop media will know that Allkpop used to be a bit similar to Anti K-pop-Fangirl (except about one tenth as funny) but the focus was more on hating certain idols and being a douche rather than poking fun at insane fangirl culture.
4. The new website and forums format that appeared sometime in the middle of 2013, which caused myself and many others to quit using Allkpop’s forums completely and bail out to OneHallyu forums to keep in touch with what k-pop fans natter about. The website itself was confusing enough but most annoying of all was that Allkpop built in some new forum features and then disabled them for people who used adblockers. Gee, thanks, cunts. I really like my adblocker as YouTube is shitty without it, I’m not going to disable adblock just for some advertiser-dick-sucking k-pop website.
But no. None of those are the reason why I dislike the site and won’t visit again… I have my own special reason.
Back when I was growing up, good computer games were hard to come by, we didn’t have GTA 57 or Call Of Battlefield or League of Warcraft or whatever the fuck. I lived in a one-income household and we were always broke, so out of everyone I knew, I was always the last person to get anything cool, so I didn’t have shit. However, one day, much to my astonishment, myself and my brother were jointly gifted something we’d never had before – a video game console. Holy fuuuuuck life just got awesome. It looked like this:
This arcane device was called a Vectrex. The few games we had for it sucked major cock because they were basic as fuck, and we couldn’t buy more games because a. dad probably had to take out a fucking loan just to even get the console and b. the company that made games for this thing went out of business almost straight after we got it anyway, but the default game “Mine Storm” (pictured) was cool – a clone of the 1979 arcade hit “Asteroids”. I clocked many hours on that game when I should have been doing homework or whatever, and I got good enough at Mine Storm to beat all 64 almost-identical levels of mind-numbingly repetitive asteroid-blasting. Eventually my father got a little less poor, we acquired a Commodore 64 (which was better because games for it were easier and cheaper to get ahem) and the Vectrex swiftly gathered dust.
Fast forward to more recent times and what do I find on Allkpop but an “arcade” tab full of Flash games. For most people it was a “buried” feature, a lot of people didn’t even seem to know it was there. I talk to people these days about the old Allkpop site and they say “what games?” – but it was right in front of their faces the whole time:
Well, okay, “full of games” is an exaggeration. The games on this “arcade” were six in total, and they were:
Snake: a bullshit snake game that was completely unplayable because the Flash player lag would mean that you’d always steer into yourself and die fuck that shit
Chopper: I was hoping for a version of the early console classic Choplifter, but it was not to be; instead this was some kind of fucking stupid “dodge the fast-approaching walls in your laggy as shit sprite” thing that was even more unplayable than the snake game holy cunting fuck you needed to be ADHD and on crack to play this
Tetris: like any other Tetris game but without cool music, so useless really. You’d think they’d get one that played k-pop but gosh no that would be too logical for a k-pop site, we can’t have that. Also impossible to beat anyone’s high scores because there was some weird exploit to it that I hadn’t figured out, so fuck it
Space Invaders: this game was undeservedly a household name that was overrated in the arcades and on consoles back when it came out, and this was a fairly faithful conversion of the original because it also sucked dick
Bejeweled: the usual Candy Crush lame colour-matching bullshit, I guess it doesn’t help that I’m colour blind but I can’t play this bollocks. Also took the one cool feature of the original Bejeweled (the way the game sucks your dick for you and feeds your ego telling you that you’re a great player when you get good combos even if they’re purely by chance) and threw it away, nice one cockheads
Asteroids: yes it’s a faithful port of the 1979 original FUCK YES THIS IS MORE LIKE IT JOHNNY YOU CUNT
Reliving my 1983 Vectrex glory days, I played the ever-living fuck out of Asteroids, and beat everybody’s high scores, ousting the reigning champion on the saved high-score list and then doubling my lead. Then of course Allkpop said they were going to change their forum format, and to please given them feedback etc. I asked one of the moderators if they were going to keep Asteroids and they said they weren’t sure, but don’t count on it. Sure enough, they changed it and Asteroids was gone, along with my high score AND I DIDN’T EVEN GET A BADGE FOR IT OR WHATEVER FUCK YOU GUYS LIFETIME BOYCOTT MOTHERFUCKERS I’M NEVER VISITING YOUR WEBSITE AGAIN CUNT
Ailee and me now have something in common – we’ve both been burned by Allkpop’s disregard for the wishes of others.
Of course, because I’m such a nice person, I now will go one better than Allkpop and give all my blog readers the gift of Asteroids – I’ve added a picture of Eunji to the sidebar of the main page, click on that and it will take you to the most faithful Asteroids version I can find, play it and see if you can top my highscores. It’s not perfect – the collision detection is a bit ropey, but then the arcade version was full of bugs too so whatever. Johnny if you’re reading this, I’ll retract everything I said in this blog and even start spruiking your trashy website if you can get a score higher than mine on Asteroids and stay in the top position for one week. Bring it on if you think you can test it. It’ll also give you something to do while your legal team refills the coffee machine.