The Crayon Pop fanboy cull

Picture this.

You’re a young guy in high school and you’ve been a closet k-pop fanboy for a while now. Sure, you talk about it in forums while trolling under the safety of your anonymous handle “Taeyeonfap” but in your actual real life where you’re significantly more chickenshit, nobody knows yet, and you’re not sure when or even if you’re going to tell them. It’s been easy to hide from your parents – they tend to stay out of your bedroom since you’ve hit puberty, they only ever enter to change the clothing and the sheets, so they know from the stains exactly how much fapping is going on and are understandably not wanting to walk in on a “session”.  Sure, they see the SNSD poster you put up but mixed in with all the Sports Illustrated bikini girls they don’t really stick out, and you’re listening to music mainly with headphones these days so you don’t have to hear “TURN IT DOOOOOWN” from your annoying brother who doesn’t even care what you listen to because he’s into some bullshit music where they have no talent and scream all the time and you can’t even hear the words – who actually listens to that shit, you wonder.  So it’s not like anyone’s in danger of busting you.

All is going well in your life, with your k-pop fetish remaining nicely undercover, until one day in the middle of science class, one of these slips out of your bag.

The guy sitting next to you picks it up and starts laughing – fascinated by “this faggot shit” he starts unboxing it in front of the whole class, to your horror.  He lays out all the photocards on the desk one by one while singing “heeeeeey, sexy layydeeee, op, op op…” as everyone gathers around and gawks at them, which is really embarrassing.  When he takes out the Taeyeon photocard you get particularly hurt and you try to grab it off him so he starts making lewd comments about her just to fuck with you.  To make matters worse, a group of girls behind you start giggling, including this one girl you’ve had a crush on for a while, so you guess you can kiss her off the “she thinks I’m a real man, maybe some day she will touch my genitals” list.  Eventually the teacher intervenes and breaks things up, and you’ve never been so happy to have a possession of yours confiscated until hometime.  It looks like the class asshole has won this round.

Upset and ashamed, you go home that night.  Over dinner your parents know that something’s wrong but thankfully they don’t press you about it – the embarrassment of being “outed” at school was enough humiliation for one day.  After dinner you sit with your parents and watch some music competition talent show, and a thought occurs to you: “If only they realised that my k-pop idols are talented”, you think to yourself “maybe then they will take my love of this music seriously”.  Armed with an iPad loaded with your best arsenal of “look, Taeyeon is a really talented singer” YouTube bookmarks, you return to school the next day and show it around the class.

It goes about as well as you realistically hoped it would – the girls are impressed while you talk enthusiastically about the harsh training regimes of k-pop and can see your point about Taeyeon, plus that one girl you like is kind of talking to you again – maybe a handjob behind the bike shed from her is a realistic dream after all.  The guy who gave you all that shit yesterday grudgingly says “you’re still a faggot for liking that gay shit” but other than this, he keeps to himself and doesn’t press the issue, seeing that you have the upper hand with the ladies and not wanting to get them off-side, after all he wants that handjob as much as you do.  You go home feeling vindicated.

After a while, things calm down, and people seem to forget about it.  Then, a few weeks later, the school bully confronts you, smartphone in hand.

“Hey, do you like this song?”

“No!” you exclaim instantly, “they’re not talented at all!”

“Shut the fuck up fag.  You’re into this k-pop bullshit, and this is a fucking hit song, it’s number one in Korea.  You love this shit, you fucking cunt.”

You try to protest, but it’s too late.  Word has already spread around the school and your pontification on “idol talent” now looks like a joke that everyone is only too keen to rub in your face.  Lunchtimes become an ordeal with people singing “BaBa-Bar Bar, BaBaBa-Bar” at you everywhere you go in the yard, and occasionally a group of bullies will corner you somewhere and refuse to let you pass until you do the “jumping, jumping” dance.  Their favourite time to do this is just before you leave for home on your bicycle – “the helmet gives your dance a more authentic feel”, they remind you.  That girl you like never talks to you again and your school social life rapidly disintegrates as nobody wants to be seen hanging out with you for fear of also becoming a victim.

Desperate and with pent-up anger that has no outlet in the real world, you turn to the Internet and unleash as much Crayon Pop hate as you can handle, but it’s no use.  It’s obvious to you that the girls are gang members and thugs, but in a unique and astoundingly clever pre-emptive marketing strategy, the girls have left their true colours wide out in the open for everybody to see.

You watch them rob some innocent hard-working pimp collecting his overdue payments from a lazy whore here, and this isn’t some saesang candid camera, this is on their official video, which means they’re proud of this shit:

You also note that their dance tutorial shows them openly bullying class members and practicing fighting moves, just like the ones that guy used to punch you in the stomach the other day, it’s practically an instruction manual on how to slap people down:

What can you do to tarnish the online reputation of a group who are already this openly gangster?  Nothing.  Even other groups and the media are frightened of them.  Yet they got to #1, and they can barely even sing unlike your beautiful perfect angel Taeyeon, where is the justice in this world…

A month later when you are found hanging in your bedroom with a note saying “Taeyeon I’m sorry” which baffles the shit out of your parents (“Who?  Is that someone at school?”), the media chalks up your swinging corpse as another statistic in the global phenomenon known as “The Crayon Pop fanboy cull”.  At school, you are not missed and the world of k-pop fandoms becomes 0.0001% more sane as a global average due to your sudden departure.

Crayon Pop are helping the mental health of k-pop fandom culture by disposing of their psychologically weakest specimens.  Be sure to cheer them on.

7 thoughts on “The Crayon Pop fanboy cull

  1. Allow me to spare a thought for the loss of a fellow Taefag. I’m sure Taeyeon will post a picture of a mosquito bite on instagram in his honour. Perhaps in the next life he shall learn to “keep his fingers in several pies”.
    btw sorry for not sticking around for longer last night! 😦
    I had a few good questions too! But its okay, I hoped you had fun.

    • Don’t worry, there’ll be another stream. In the meantime get your stream bandwidth sorted, the problem is definitely on your end with your stream settings. Data may have been coming in too slow or too fast for your connection to cope with. Adjust those settings and you should be okay.

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