Two months ago an interesting image crossed my path on some news sites that didn’t seem to make much of a ripple in the world of k-pop, but which certainly caught my personal attention a great deal.
Jonghyun from SHINee being wished a happy birthday with a love message from Japanese AV star Hitomi Tanaka. I first found about this on an Allkpop article which I can’t find anymore and has presumably been deleted in the transition to their shithouse new Adblock-hostile format everybody except them and their advertisers hates. From memory, the mood of the reaction from SHINee fans in the article was basically something like this:
Because I don’t trust a single thing that k-pop news media says ever ever EVER without rigorously fact-checking (something the news sites themselves seem to rarely even bother to do, preferring to act as a free Ctrl+C/Ctrl+V service), for verification I sailed on over to Hitomi’s Twitter account, to confirm. There it was. Then, in tried-and-true k-pop scandal manner, she deleted the tweet, probably after getting an earnest private message from Jonghyun saying “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO RUIN MY CAREER!?!” or similar.
I then waited for the inevitable flood of rumour-mill articles, and… nothing. Nobody picked up on this ball and ran with it. TIEM TO FIX.
This interests me not as a fan of SHINee (I liked Lucifer and… well okay, that’s really about it tbh) but as a fan of Hitomi (won’t go into details, but then I don’t really have to, do I). Yeah, a few k-pop girls are kind of cute, but…
…let’s be honest. K-pop girls are not really in the race here. Hell, I’m pretty sure they don’t even know where the race is being held.
The tweet also interests me because I’m aware that a few of the more mentally-challenged fangirls out there enjoy a bizarre religious-cult-like practice known as “shipping”, where they pair their (male) k-pop crushes with other (often male) k-pop crushes in their own imaginations (which seems odd in a society that seems quite homophobic in a lot of other ways but moving right along). Then the more extreme “shippers” will do the tried-and-true netizen-style “I’d like to believe that this is true, because it kind of seems true-ish-sorta-kinda even though I have fuck-all actual proof and zero insider knowledge, so I’m going to construct as much strawman evidence as I can out of various images, videos etc to support what I already believe and ignore everything else” (see: every k-pop controversy ever) in order to give strength to their OTP (excuse me while I throw up in my own mouth a little). I’m also aware that one of the more popular ships is “JongKey”. For a summary of what they believe straight from the hive-mind of the mentally ill, look no further than Urban Dictionary:
Etc. However, JongKey seems unlikely to me, and more importantly where these things are concerned I don’t really WANT to believe it, so in true netizen style (i.e with no actual evidence, just a bunch of shit and guesswork) I’m going to posit an alternate case for JongTomi. Take notes.
Jonghyun and Hitomi Tanaka are OTP: THE IRONCLAD PROOF*
1. Hitomi tweeted Jonghyun to wish him a happy birthday, and told him that she loved him
No big deal, right? Could be in jest, yeah? But wait. How many people’s birthdays do you actually remember? I only remember two – my own birthday, and my girlfriend’s birthday. Because it’s important that you remember someone’s birthday if you want them to share a bed with you and do more than hog all the sheets and blankets. Plus “I love u so much”? Say no more.
Of course, maybe it’s not like that, and she remembered his birthday instead because she’s a crazy obsessed fangirl herself. That’s a possibility, but this of course only makes her more likely to fuck him. So either she’d fucked him already when she sent that tweet, or was just about to, because if I was Jonghyun and I got a tweet like that from Hitomi I’d sure as shit be replying and teeing something up on my next Japan visit. And don’t think that’s not possible – it’s actually pretty easy to have sex with pornstars, even if they DON’T like you. Depending on who it is, often you just need to be in the right place at the right time, with some cash and preferably also a camera. Shouldn’t be too much of a challenge for a celebrity in an A/B-list group. All that would be lacking is time out of your busy schedule. Which brings us to…
2. Jonghyun’s “accident” isn’t confirmed, and the timing suspiciously coincides with Hitomi’s tweet.
At least when Secret and T-ara had car crashes there was plenty of accident porn posted so we knew it was real, yet people were skeptical and nasty because they didn’t want to believe it because they would then have to face the reality of being caught out as worthless cunts cyberbullying car accident victims. On the other hand good fucking luck finding a single image or video of Jonghyun’s alleged car crash, or any hospital footage or anything of Jonghyun verifiably injured in any way, yet so far nobody has questioned the legitimacy of the accident story, presumably because he’s male and fangirls adore him and not some oppa-stealing whore. Also:
You do the math.
Sure, you might be thinking “she’s just being nice to him specifically because he got in that accident and all” but she didn’t give the same shout-out to Zinger (or whatever the fuck she’s calling herself now) or Soyeon. Why not? Because she doesn’t want to bang either of those two, that’s why not. Look on the Internet for Hitomi lesbian AVs – there’s only a few compared to the mountains of AVs of her taking on 12 guys at a time in the back of a bus etc. – clearly the girl has a preference for guys.
3. Jonghyun doesn’t give a fuck
He doesn’t even acknowledge or make eye contact with the saesangs anymore. He looks perfectly healthy too. A bit tired and worn out maybe, but then you would be too if you had to heft those boobs around on a daily basis for a month. Clearly he’s thinking more about what’s waiting for him when he gets inside:
If you can, try tearing your eyes away from Hitomi herself and check out that background. Look familiar? Yes, it seems obvious that Hitomi has her own Super Junior-style oddly-lit tiled room especially built for her in SM Entertainment HQ.
4. Hitomi shows signs of being ready for a serious relationship
According to 100% reliable and credible online big-boobs wiki Boobpedia, Hitomi hasn’t made an AV since October 2012. (If I’m wrong here, please alert me to any newer material, preferably with links to easily-downloaded proof so I can confirm the source thanks.)
Other recent and entirely trustworthy sources confirm that Hitomi is trying to steer her career away from hardcore AVs and into more softcore modelling.
It’s clear that she wants something serious and is steering away from the hardcore sex scenes in the films so she can enjoy sex more in her personal life. AV sex professionals rarely get all that raunchy when the cameras are off for the same reason why cooks rarely cook at home – if you spend 12 hours a day preparing and cooking food the last thing you want to do when you knock off work is prepare and cook food some more. The joke’s on you if you date a chef thinking you’re going to get great home-cooked food every day, or date a porn star thinking that you’re going to get to simulate Hitomi’s scenes in “J-Cup Big Tits Temporary Staff“. You’d be better off paying if you want that – a candlelight dinner and then missionary position with the lights out is far more likely when you’re in a relationship with an active pornstar, because that’s something she can’t get at work. So how do you make cooking – or sex – more enjoyable in your private life? Stop doing it at work. Hitomi is clearly making that transition for the benefit of herself and that special someone.
I had a really good summary written but then my blog software didn’t save it, so let’s just look at this picture. I forgot what my point was anyway. Tits.
* Actually this is all circumstantial bullshit. Hey, total lack of solid evidence is good enough for TaJinyo/T-Jinyo, so it’s good enough for me. Hitomi, if you’re reading this, oppa didn’t mean it.